AuBuRnsKye

A Quote

2011-12-16T15:46:00.000+08:00

Came across this quote from this page: http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/individuality

AND I like it somehow....

“It’s probably not just by chance that I’m alone. It would be very hard for a man to live with me, unless he’s terribly strong. And if he’s stronger than I, I’m the one who can’t live with him. … I’m neither smart nor stupid, but I don’t think I’m a run-of-the-mill person. I’ve been in business without being a businesswoman, I’ve loved without being a woman made only for love. The two men I’ve loved, I think, will remember me, on earth or in heaven, because men always remember a woman who caused them concern and uneasiness. I’ve done my best, in regard to people and to life, without precepts, but with a taste for justice.”
― Coco Chanel

It's December!

2011-12-05T00:39:00.001+08:00

So long... since July... It's been 4 months since I last blogged... considerably a long long break since I have had fairly consistent blogging over many years!

Why? I dont' know. Maybe it's because I was busy, and my free time wasn't spent reflecting about things. As you can see my blog is mainly to reflect about life, god and share fun things in my life, or rant and ruminate.

Maybe it's because of Facebook... because you start sharing everything there that there's no need for blogging already.

But it's also not the best place to "share" everything... so I"m returning to blog!

It's December and I look forward to a trip to Hokkaido at the end of the month.

Just finished playing at the 4th Dec Braddell Heights concert... so fun... I really really love it! Also was so encouraged by mum dad, ju & chester's presence, and friends' support (though not all actually came lah).

Well, despite these good things ahead, I find my spiritual and ministry life extremely dry. Maybe there's a lot of blockage because I am angry with a few things and disagree with a few people on the way ministry ought to be run. I also can see myself being so disagreeable... and I also dislike myself being like that, but what can I do? I simply think differently. And when people don't understand or see my point, they diss my point, making me feel like I don't matter. Ok I make myself offended for nothing... but I just feel -- upset. I just don't like how things are at the moment so it's like a negative poison building up within me. I never thought this would happen to me. But what Can I do? I know pray... pray pray... but I also tend not to want to pray! It's a struggle indeed.

Aside, I still hope that the Lord will be merciful... I do know this is just a willfull and unspiritual phase of life for me - but I also worry that I will let myself "die" spiritually... and so I just hope that God will redeem me and deliver me from all these struggles, if I can so wait and see that day.

Do everything with Love

2011-07-10T22:54:00.003+08:00

1 Corinthians 16:13-14 is an encouraging verse that helps give me insight again to life.
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.

Today has been a horrid day - fighting some germs inside me I think, was wheezy, cold, hot, dehydrated, headache... and at the end of the day everything feels like crumbling. Like getting nostalgic, emo, thinking of idealistic life and what I could/should/wish to be.. and everything but being sane and happy and settled.

SO this verse helps me a lot. Instead of complaining, being a emotional wreck it stabilises me. Indeed, without God, what would we become?

At mass today, Fr. Greg mentioned a quote of Fr. Gino who spoke at the OLPS 50th triduum talks. The point, was that Parents give their children everything, but God.

I think - this is true. Therefore, I began my search for God, having tasted His reality and his awesome presence when I was aged of 17 at the YISS camp. Since then till now, it's been 12 years. What has this led me to?

Pretty much, nothing different. But perhaps, it's that inner conversion.

Now, I continue to search for true purpose and meaning in life, and find so many contradictions in my own perceptions and also the lure of the world is continuously getting louder and more distinctly different from God's ways.

It's a irony, and a real challenge - living spiritually in an unspiritual world. Where is true love, true Godly presence?

I think I am still hungry. Still hungry to be in the presence of true worshippers who worship the Lord.

Years at youth ministry in OLPS - and we're coming back to Square one, questioning our purpose and I feel that for the last 5 years, what have I done at all? Feel super lousy and super unnecessary. If it doesn't work, then why do we still bang our heads against the wall? And yet, it's like an addiction - you can't get away from the 'good' work. Now I question if this work is 'good' at all.

But despite these strong feelings, it's really part of the journey. Knowing God, I know this is not just the end - we're just in the midway through the journey.

What a journey... God...

I shall just take things easy - and do everything with love.. it's always the small things, as Mother Teresa would have it.

Dream 12 May 2011

2011-05-13T00:22:00.000+08:00

Started reading this book about dreams & healing. Cool, very exciting. So it made me want to recall my dreams even more - I already like to remember my dreams so this book is just even more exciting now that there's a real purpose to doing so. It is able to help us understand our unconscious, and thus get to know our own thoughts and behaviour even better. Author is Episcopal priest, John A. Sanford.

So here goes, my dream of today... 12 May 2011...

In my dream, towards end, I saw a group of people climbing up a vertical slope (almost 90-degree) and I was commenting to an ex-colleague something like, wow, remember that which was previously so difficult to do?

Then in a next scene, I myself was climbing up. Long ago I remember doing a wall climb at the OBS camp and I did not reach the top. So this round, I was climbing, i remembered that I did not complete it before. So i climbed with caution. Amazingly my body felt light and it was easy to hold onto the rock bits that stuck out here and there for me to step on. With no trouble I reached the top and pulled myself over to the top.

Amazed, I was then thinking of the color yellow - as with Nikon brand - and commented to the same ex-colleague a "bright" idea that I had... During this time, we were kinda in a public bus and he went in first and I was following behind talking about work and stuff... and so as for this idea it was supposed to be some kind of ad campaign that would really work... it was like a fantastic slogan.. (though i forgot it by now). When I said it, i was very confident and it was a good feeling, and he was like... giving a thoughtful look also like 'hmmm' which felt like we just discovered a gold mine.

Rock Climbing
To dream that you are rock climbing, symbolizes your struggle, determination and ambition. You are not any letting obstacles get in the way of your goal. Additionally, the dream indicates that you have an edge over others.(Dreammoods)

>> Thoughts?
I think it's nice, a feeling of elevation, that bright idea, that spark, that "conquering" feeling of doing what you could not do in real life... I guess, it is the feelings of positivity and hope inside me and a belief that I can succeed. Though in real life, I am not even getting there, couldn't even scale a wall, and don't have any bright idea or advertising campaign big-idea that really I can pull off in my work place...

So what is this dream telling me? I guess, a replay of some of the daily events where I had that feeling that I really was in control of things. A feeling of wanting to share ideas with someone (as with the ex-colleague). It also reminds me that it's vastly different from what I am experiencing now. Now, I am feeling a sense of loneliness, no one to really share new ideas with, no one with the same ideas, wavelength, culture, interests. At work, people are rather quiet, talk chinese, and don't talk intelligent stuff... I really am very sorry for this, but I really don't find any conversation that interests me or challenges me. It's really really really absolutely dull. SORRY!!! BUT IT IS DULL!

At church, it is also EXTREMELY DULL! I am the task master, chore-chaser, room-booker, key/room-opener, music-player, time-giver, nice-smiler...

Personal life - IT IS DULL! I am just a worker, daughter, conscientious person but no matter how good or hard you work, wont' earn money kind. And I don't have a passion, an ambition, a big-idea of what to do with life. So i just carry on placidly.

SIGH... all the feelings are pouring out now thinking of this dream and what it really means to me.

SIGH... this dream recording exercise is gonna be a scary look into the depths of my heart and soul... But as the book tells, it is a worthy exercise, if we "dare" to go with the challenge that will come along with this knowledge of our inner beings. HMM!

With that, and with nothing else to lose, and with nothing else ahead to look for, I am keen to find out more about what else I could find within me so that I can live life to the fullest...

Consolation & Desolation

2011-05-04T02:14:00.002+08:00

We enter Desolation when we fail to love, when we sin, when we go against the nature of God within us to do good.

We become lost, afraid and angry. We lose confidence or faith in God.

We then enter a period of struggle... the desert experience.

During this time, we question everything from the purpose of life, the meaning of my existence, God's plan for us, what is our value, our very self-worth.

Like Jonah in the desert who got angry that God killed the small tree that gave him shade, we are brought to utter humbleness, knowing that there is nothing we can do on our own - that it is GOD who gives, and takes away. It is God who gives us our very purpose of existence.

Then, we are called - to embrace the things - the ways of God. We struggle again between heart and head. Our head tells us - why be so holy? why be so good? WE struggle believing the lies of the devil.

Then finally, by the Grace of God, that moment comes. When we have mustered enough strength to "be" once again, the person that God wants us to be... perhaps we did a little act of kindness. Perhaps we made amends, forgave someone, or forgave ourselves. In the doing of that good deed, we free ourselves from the slavery of sin and God's love reaches into us again.

We then reach a state of Consolation, where our hearts become yet again confident - in the presence of Jesus within us - in the hope of salvation. Trust is restored and we can Love again without guilt or fear.

I just had a faint glimpse of Consolation - tonight... could it have been the super iced expresso with ice cream (my failed attempt at ordering "Affogatto" (expresso supposed to be hot)...?

I believe it is a little drop of God's grace.

I was asking all day for Help. God, why did I feel so lousy... bad, poor, aimless, empty?

And God tells me tonight... My Help comes from the Lord (Psalm 121).

And He has constantly been assuring me that He does not slumber... he is always watching over me.

I then shared some bible verses / article with Ju & Ma, something I felt suitable for them. And my heart suddenly expanded. It is a feeling I hadn't felt for a long time.

The joy that comes from Giving - Pure giving - Giving out of nothing - Giving out of a broken heart. A broken heart of human fraility, seeing so many things that are beyond our control, so many unknowns, so many uncertainty, fears, losses... that kind of brokeness... I believe exists in everyone?

God is mysterious and I'm still only discovering so much with each new day...

When I hurt

2011-04-22T13:05:00.000+08:00

When I am "invisible" - when everyone expects things will be done. When no one comes to support. When I email important news and there is no response. When I ask for some passion for ministry to care for members, and I don't know whether the words have disappeared into thin air. When I do the work because no one else is doing. When the things I put time into gets ridiculed or passes by without anyone noticing. When the room is dirty and I do the sweeping and people just walk over unknowingly with their shoes. When people litter our youth room and expect someone to clean it up. When I try to be punctual. When I try to never miss one meeting. When I try to shift my own appointments just to be able to turn up at all the events - and others can simply say, sorry, i forgot.

Isaiah 49:1-6 ©

Islands, listen to me, pay attention, remotest peoples.
The Lord called me before I was born, from my mother’s womb he pronounced my name.
He made my mouth a sharp sword, and hid me in the shadow of his hand. He made me into a sharpened arrow, and concealed me in his quiver.

He said to me, ‘You are my servant (Israel) in whom I shall be glorified’;
while I was thinking, ‘I have toiled in vain, I have exhausted myself for nothing’;
and all the while my cause was with the Lord, my reward with my God.

I was honoured in the eyes of the Lord, my God was my strength.
And now the Lord has spoken,
he who formed me in the womb to be his servant,
to bring Jacob back to him, to gather Israel to him: ‘It is not enough for you to be my servant, to restore the tribes of Jacob and bring back the survivors of Israel;
I will make you the light of the nations so that my salvation may reach to the ends of the earth.’.

Who Compares to Him?

2011-04-19T00:33:00.001+08:00

In the world, I am meek, indecisive, timid, quiet, boring, fearful of error, liking comfort, lazy, unthinking, irritable… so many things I really dislike about myself.

In Christ, I am hopeful, see a purpose, passionate, persevering, and dedicated, able to forgive, merciful, kind, patient, and loving.

My inner thoughts sometimes confuse me. They tell me it's ok, that sometimes I can just forget being Christlike, being all so good, striving for holiness, and goodness... that it’s time to relax a little. Or maybe even telling me that I’ve been wasting my time trying to be christlike all the time, for it is impossible, I should just be a 'normal' person. But what is normal? Being sinful? Being un-christlike? Being worldly? BEing NOT so holy? Being doubtful of Christianity? Being unbeliving?

Therefore, I am telling myself, don’t forget, when I have been touched by the Holy Spirit, I have been made new. A new life of Grace had filled me and changed me for Good. I have a new life in Christ.

Therefore, I don’t need to live by the world dictates. Why struggle with all those worldly emotions? God is offering me something better.

Every day when I really go deep into prayer, I am convicted - of the various things that are sinful in my life. I cry tears because I know there's so much more i could be, or that God wants me to be.... So much more... it's like the whole world cannot contain the love of God...

YET we want everything NOT of God. We want the privilege of being able to live life for ourselves, and callously without regard for what pleases or not pleases God. If we can justify it with rationality, it is correct. So if I can justify my actions, a sinful act could be correct. But is it?

I do believe God is alive and real and there to judge me at the end of the day. And He will also judge with Love - because everyone is like sheep fallen astray.

Also I realise that the more we grow in Christ, the more sensitive we will be to things that are ‘not’ of God – and the more difficult the struggles get, because previously we were dead to Christ but now being alive in Christ, even the smallest sin – feels like a big speck and a big weight upon us.

It is hard to describe the feelings… but I know that only spiritual warfare can get me through.

That said, if I can praise God and meditate on His Word every day and night, that would be great… though it will be a challenge… because I’ve been so plagued by tiredness, worry, stress, anger, sadness, and so forth, caused by simply, the fact that we are in the world. Everyone in the world will face all these things.

Real Joy – I know it is found in Christ. It’s just whether we want to find Him or not.

Many other joys of lesser degrees can be found in the world, even in sin and revelry. But ultimate Joy is in being forgiven, being set free, being able to see Eternity, the prospect of Life with God. Not being GOD, but being WITH God.

I shall try to lift my eyes to better things and worship Him more sincerely. This gets tough when you are just going through the motions.

Sounds like a love story? Yeah – perhaps, why I’m so ‘sufficient’ – is that I found a love story with God.

And if I sound like a lunatic... well, perhaps, an obsessed churchy one. I'm not totally "holy". But it may seem so - the way I rant about God.

Oh well... God is magnificent.

Restless

2011-04-14T07:37:00.001+08:00

Few dreams this week.... shows my state of sleep - restless. hmm.

1) One part of one day's dream was about food. I was preparing food for a bunch of people and there was not enough, so i ate less and tried to make sure the others had more.

Context: Feels like my youth scene in church, olps. It feels like i wish that they will be fill, and in the busy-ness of the preparations, I just forgo my own wants and needs to serve the rest. Very much like Martha.Well, it makes some sense that my 2nd name and 1st name have the same vowels.. Mar - tha... : |

2) Then the 2nd dream of mention is this morning's dream. It was an epic drama battle scene gosh.... it made me want to blog and try to record it down ahaha.. !

It's sad! OK the context is all fuzzy now... it's a battle scene and there is an enemy. I have a gun. There are 2 others with me. There are parts where I am the one running up the hill and peeking. I can imagine myself decked with helmet and rifle (or whatever machinery) and doing all those shoot and hide things you see on typical battle scenes.

At some point in the fight, my companions are all gone and i'm the last one. I am now fighting 2 people. I pretend that all is lost and simply run and run and run from the two people. THey chase, laughing and thinking that they have won and that i'll be dead in a matter of time. But i have a plan... at a particular position I will sneak up upon a railing where I have the best view and then kill them off.

I manage to perch on the railing in time to have bulls eye shot at those 2 people. In the distance somehow (i have magic also?!) I turn an innocent girl into a glass doll (perhaps to save her from the bullets). The glass doll is like one of the japanese glass doll gift that I got from Jac! Haha, you'd see it in my room...

So the 2 people come into sight, and I kill them with relish.. somehow there are feelings of revenge and anger as I kill them and totally cut them into 2 with the some sort of double-handed machine gun i have (ok i don't know machines) - anyway, I was thinking make sure they are dead once and for all.

Then somehow the tragedy happens - thinking it is over I go over to pick up that glass doll girl, but the machine gun is still "on". As I step into the front ground this time, I'm the one who gets shot.... and it ends... I die....

And i wake up from this dream really amazed by the epic drama feeling of it... there were a lot more beforehand that I can't remember, like reasons for this battle, how my companions and I were strategising how to fight and how we actually ran to our various spots and hide-outs and the feeling of the running up the slopes... etc.

What a tragic drama/dream!

Nikon D7000 "The Pair" By Jacky Tong

2011-03-23T23:21:00.002+08:00

NICE Video taken by Nikon D7000! I like the concept of this magical, whimsical story!

God Will Turn It To Gold - Selwyn Hughes

2011-03-15T00:42:00.001+08:00

Today I picked up one of those free sampler 30-day bible daily devotionals (by Selwyn Hughes) that I had sitting in my drawer. Of this 30-day sampler devotional, I had read 18 days worth of pages and recorded the date on each article that I'd read. Just flipping back on the pages today, I noticed that I had read "Day 1" of this devotional on the 1st of June 2009. That is almost 2 years ago! The last article I read was on 22 December 2010. Wow. If you divide the months over that span of one and a half years, that is a measely ONE article per month!

Well, a 30-day devotional, spread over 18 months, fantastic. Ok, at least, I have read something over 1.5 years... I consoled myself. Maybe some people haven't read anything in years? But that's quite a poor consolation, isnt' it? haha.

Well, today's devotional really spoke to my heart, and I want to share it here with everyone. It really tells us that our perception of God and about spending time "with" God or reading the bible, is sometimes very wrong! We think spending time reading the bible is going to deter us from fulfilling our daily routines. But here, God promises that it is not so! Read on….!

Day 19
GOD WILL TURN IT TO GOLD
For reading and meditation - Psalm 119:33-40
"Turn my heart towards your statutes and not toward selfish gain" (v.36)
(30 day sampler devotional "Not By Bread Alone" by Selwyn Hughes)

In my introduction I said that I had discovered three chief reasons why people do not regularly read the Scriptures. One, they find it unbelievably dull. Two, the lack time. And three, they don't know what to read and where to read. We have looked at some of the reasons why people find the Bible dull; now we consider the issue of time.

There are many who fear regular reading of the Bible will absorb more time than they can afford. Such an idea is mistaken. Time spent in the Bible is worth more than the time it takes. If God has given us a book which contains His will and purpose for our lives, if He promises (as He has) to work is will in us as we expose our minds to His Word, is there not something almost blasphemous in wondering whether we cna give it time?

Tagore, the Indian writer and poet, once told this parable. "I had gone a-begging from door to door in the vilage 'path', when Thy golden chariot appeared in the distance like a gorgeous dream and I wondered who was King of all Kings! Thy chariot stopped where I stood. Thy glance fell upon me and thou camest down with a smile. I felt that the luck of my life had come at last. Then, of a sudden Thou didst hold out thy right had and say, "What hast thou to give to me?" Ah! What a kingly jest was it to open thy palm to a beggar to beg? I was confused and undecided and then from my wallet I slowly took out the least little grain of corn and gave it to Thee. But how great was my surprise when at the day's end I emptied my bag on the floor to find a list little grain of gold among the poor heap. I wept bitterly and wished that I had the heart to give Thee my all."

If we give God a moment He will turn it to gold, but if we give Him more - what then?

[Prayer]
OGod, help me see more clearly than ever that the more time I spend in the Bible the more treasures will come out of it. I must re-prioritise my time schedules. Help me to put reading Your Word at the top of my list. In Jesus' name, Amen.

My Story of the Little Ant... I aint' No Saviour, but only God is!

2011-03-10T00:23:00.004+08:00

Today, I saw a little flying ant get stuck in a drop of water near the tap of my sink. It's wings were wet and it could not move. I decided to try to save it and give it a 2nd chance to live. I took a piece of tissue and dried all the wet areas around the ant. Then I blew gently, hoping that the wind would help its wings dry faster. It started moving and i could see that it was still struggling to move its wings which were fastened together. But at least it was moving. I was overjoyed that perhaps, it had a new chance to get dry and fly again. I watched it intently after a while, and was content to let it get around on its own.

After doing a few other things, I came back to see it. But alas, was greatly saddened to find that it had sauntered into another pool of water and was waddling around in the water -- once again. This time, it was hardly struggling. Perhaps, it was almost about to die?

I watched it for a little while more, and gave up, decided to let it die because maybe it wasn't meant to survive the puddles of water anyway, or that maybe it would walk into another puddle again later.

Maybe the little ant was praying for a 2nd or 3rd chance to be saved. But I was mean and left it to die. Come on, I can't spend my whole night trying to save a dying ant.

But this little episode taught me about God. We are like that little ant which tries to fly but gets stuck with water in our wings. God helps us out, but we end up in another puddle.

The difference? Is that God is constantly watching us every minute, every second. When that window of opportunity comes, He dives in to help us. And that opportunity for God to intervene, comes when we pray or tell God, please help me and I can't do things on my own. From behind the scenes, He then sends us help and begins his restoring work in our lives. It could take years for changes to occur. And we become impatient when we do not see results.

On the other hand, when we close the opportunity (through disobedience, reluctance to pray, pride, sin, so forth) then He can only watch in horror as we walk into more puddles of water and inevitably cause our own death.

God, despite how tiny we are in this earth, came down to 'die' as a man, so that we would be saved. It is by the Power of the Holy Spirit that God became Man. Thinking of this, I can't help but wonder, how did God become man? Why? Why die for us, stupid death-loving little 'ants'?

If you are interested by now, read more from our Catechism of Catholic Church:

The Son of God Became Man

I. WHY DID THE WORD BECOME FLESH?

As for me and the little ant, I was sad to say, that I was no saviour to it. I was quite the devil's advocate. Try to save it and then relish in watching it die. But God - being God - amazes me. He will save us over and over again, despite how many puddles we walk into. God watches us all the time, not to prevent us from freedom, but to ensure that we remain free. He is always looking out for our GOOD - and our happiness.

Why then do we silly little ants, not TRUST in the Lord - our Saviour? He is the only one who would love and die for us unconditionally.

Aren't we all silly little ants?

I'm Yours? Whose? I'm God's own!

2011-02-14T01:05:00.004+08:00

As we come to a new week ahead, I wanna share a quick reflection I did tonight after the day's revelries (yes... me marlene and van went out - had a days' worth of fun. We were of course joined by some others along the day,... ).

Tonight, I hear the song "I'm Yours" by Planetshakers from the Album - Evermore. The lyrics go "So no matter what the cost, I will go for you; No matter what it takes, I'm yours..." - I recall singing this at least 5 years back, feeling like I really meant it - to God.

But feelings come and go. At this point of time, it's probably not so "hot". More like... No matter what it takes, I "might" be yours... maybe... see how? Not so sure... maybe not now... maybe tomorrow... aiyah... wait and see... ARGH... stress... !!

haha.. well, it's true... isnt' it? We fumble, we get high... we get low... during our walk with God.

Now, I want to ask everyone... can we sing such a song? Will we go - for Him? If it means to die to our sins? our wants? Our lusts for this world (more of enjoyment, more good things, more money, etc etc)?? Do we indulge in ourselves? Yes, our feb babies did indulge themselves a lot today... haha... but the question is for all of us to look at and ask ourselves.

"I'm YOURS: by Planet Shakers"

Oh Lord
When I think of all You've done
My heart sings of Your love
That saved my soul
And made me whole
My life is Yours

Cause You paid the price
I give You my life, I'm Yours

So no matter what the cost
I will go for You
No matter what it takes, I'm Yours
Because You paid the price at Calvary
I give You my whole life, I'm Yours

Oh Lord
My everything to You I lift
My heart and soul I live
For You alone
I'm not my own
My life is Yours

I'm Yours
Jesus I am Yours

--- OR... is Jason Mrazs' "I'm Yours" the only one we know? Which is all about giving ourselves to another person... (maybe another girl, or guy.. ) (though i'm not entirely sure myself)

I'll rather Belong to JESUS. He is GOD... He is my LOVE, He is everything I need (or so I say).

I'm beginning to see how difficult this statement is. Though in my earlier days, I could just say it with no problem. Sounds like a marriage cooling down... hmm...

But when you come to think of it... can we Love God so much that we can sing that song above?

It's more true that our love fluctuates. We can say we Love God one day, and then wish we never said it the next day...

Therefore, in all my rambles, the point is clear. Regardless of anything, the fact is that our walk with God only begins when we "GIVE" our lives to God... let us Give it up... as HE gave His life up for us. At the end of the day, The NARROW Road tells us that there is no other path to God - to Heaven... much as we like it or not...

Cheers,
Sam

Birthday Reflections: Life is a Flower

2011-02-10T02:02:00.003+08:00

It's my birthday and i'll cry if i want to, laugh if i want to, smile if i want to... ahhaa..

Bloggin on a happy feeling so this post will be relatively light-hearted! ;) I'm so blessed with friends and many loving wishes for my birthday that it just lifts my mood....

The song I'm feeling tonight is Ace of Bace's Life is a Flower...
Why? Life... is beautiful,... yet fragile. We long for more beauty... yet we did not realise that each of us have our own beauty. Every flower is beautiful, regardless of its colour, size, or petal. Even broken petals can be beautiful. So Life - is a Flower. I like the lyrics... Smile and the world will smile with you... and "live for the light"...it is great to be free - WHat is this freedom? The Freedom to pursue life, to be free from sin... to be free from the darkness. This is all culminated in being close to God, because God is Light.

We live in a free world I whistle down the wind
Carry on smiling
And the world will smile with you
Life is a flower
So precious in your hand
Carry on smiling
And the world will smile with you

When every race is run
And the day is closing in
I don't care about the world
I'm living for the light
Don't cry for me today, ah-ah ah... (chorus)

I cannot be your judge
Mr. jailer is your host
He's keeping you inside
And hides you from the world
No catcher in the rye
Can help you from yourself (Chorus)

Please mr. agony
Release them for a while
Learn them the consequences of
Living without life

(Chorus)
(repeat & fade)

Anyway, found another cool happy song by Ace of Base (such an old band by now...)

Romans 13:11-14 "The Day Is Near"

11 And do this, understanding the present time: The hour has already come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed. 12 The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light. 13 Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. 14 Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the flesh.[c]

When i am all alone... Give me Jesus

2011-01-19T00:40:00.000+08:00

When all things start vying for my attention.... when I start feeling busy... when i start counting the commitments I am involved in on my 10 fingers and find that it is not enough... when i start feeling dissatisfied with life..... when I start feeling lonely.... when I start wondering if life is going the right way.... when i start feeling guilty for all the luxuries i have but have not earned.... when i start feeling disappointed with people... when i start remembering old hurt.... when I start wanting more and more.... when i start hating my flaws.... when i start longing for new excitements.... when i start wanting... when i start doubting my abilities...when i start stopping to love others... when i start thinking it is useless... when i come to a time like this ----- Give me Jesus... ;)

Searching for the Meaning of Christmas

2010-12-30T00:23:00.005+08:00

This year, Christmas felt empty... I played my violin during Mass, I had house parties, I had wonderful potluck, food, games, movies, presents and everything.

Then I had Taize today at St Peter & Paul.... During the Taize, there was a time of silence. The SILENCE was deafening.

Just when I began fidgeting and wondering if the leader was taking it too long.... it suddenly became peaceful. I felt the words "What Joy, What peace, What Love,...." and i remembered vaguely it was a song from somewhere.

When I reached home, I endeavored quickly to search for the song. And i found it - it is "When Love Came Down" by Stuart Townend.

The lyrics go like this. And then I realised, that THIS is my "meaning" of Christmas....

“When Love Came Down to Earth”
Words & music by Stuart Townend

When Love came down to earth and made His home with man
The hopeless found a hope, the sinner found a friend
Not to the powerful, but to the poor He came
And humble, hungry hearts were satisfied again

What joy, what peace has come to us
What hope, what help, what love

When every unclean thought and every sinful deed
Was scourged upon his back and hammered through his feet
The Innocent is cursed, the guilty are released
The punishment of God on God has brought me peace

Come lay your heavy load down at the Master’s feet
Your shame will be removed, your joy will be complete
Come crucify your pride and enter as a child
For those who bow down low He’ll lift up to His side

LISTEN HERE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEY-3EmqufY

Christmas 2010

2010-12-22T00:13:00.000+08:00

THis Christmas, nothing strikes me as much as buying gifts for people. Why do we buy gifts? is it just a societal trend? I dun really know by now. it's like an obligation, a good thing to do. Regardless of the meaning of christmas, we will still buy gifts. For what? For the happiness and joy of each other.

I am happy enough about that but not that people do not know about the true meaning of christmas.... our saviour Jesus Christ was born. Basically, that IS the meaning of Christmas. BEcause JEsus was born, we have joy, peace, love and hope!

So my wish for everyone is to experience Joy, Peace, Love and Hope this Christmas!

JOY for the year ahead
PEACE among your families
LOVE that gives you assurance, and strength for the new year
and HOPE For 2011 and all the new challenges ahead!

God Bless!

Elevator dream

2010-11-03T22:18:00.000+08:00

Yesterday nite, I had a weird dream. I dreamt I was going down the elevator. I alighted at the 4th floor underground (chinese for 'death'?) - it was like descending to the underworld.

It was perpetual night here, but it was beautiful... (ironic). I wanted to take a photo.. (again??) but I thought it was no use as dark nights don't make very good photos (on digicams).

The funny thing is that in the dream, visiting the underworld is like any normal thing. Upon reaching the 4th floor (which was the visitor level) I was greeted by a receptionist (i only heard the voice), saying "welcome to the visitor level"... or something like that. Haha.

And then hey presto i was back with my secondary school friends especially Pauline & Ruby, and I really wanted to take a photo... haha... nostalgia hits again?

Then after a while I went back up in a rush because apparently you can't stay below for too long (there was a certain time limit). The end of dream.

So what does dreammoods.com (i like to check this site) say? haha..

Elevator
Descending in an elevator, suggests that you are being grounded or coming back down to reality. It also signifies setbacks and misfortunes.

To dream that you are taking a picture, suggests that you need to focus more attention to some situation or relationship. Perhaps, you feel that you need to recapture some past moments in a relationship. Alternatively, taking a picture refers to your desires to hold onto a certain moment in your life.

Underground
To dream of going or living underground, indicates that you are trying to force certain thoughts and issues into your subconscious mind. You really need to confront and explore your unconscious. Alternatively, the dream suggests that you are expressing a desire to go unnoticed or to lie low.

It's quite true.... I feel that I'm being back to reality and every day in the past week, been rather heavy. Drones of life, and lack of meaning and purpose hits again and I'm back to reality - the fact that I need to catch hold of my life once again and set myself right again with the right compass direction.

I reminisce old days where i'm carefree and do not have to think so much about where i'm headed. As such my old friends come into the picture and for a moment I want to take a photo of it and stay there forever.

Going underground... haha... like: xia di si di yu (4th level of hell)... It's true, these few days I want to do nothing, go unnoticed, just to get through this week... why? I dunno? NOt feeling too expressive and too excited about anything this week.

Am reminded of old song by Jamiroquai:

I like these sayings...

2010-11-03T20:59:00.001+08:00

Richness is when you need no more....

Psalm 23:4
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

Philippians 4:6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Nihongo New Words

2010-11-02T21:30:00.000+08:00

Wooh,.. what a lot of new words from just 1 song.

tsuki wo nusumu
lyrics by Akira Ueda, sung by Chitose Hajime

kioku no soko ni shizumeta omoi wo
tadatoki hanateba, sukuwareru darou ka

yakitsuita mama kesenai monotachi
toorisugita no wa jikan dake ja nai kara

nemuri ni tsuku shunkan no nioi
anata ni
itsuka todoke

sawagi tsuzukeru tsuki ni te wo kazashi
takushita omoi wa yane wo kasumete
tooku tooku hatemade tooku

yoru no kage wo atsumete hikaru yume
kotae no nai toimo nandomo sagashite
uso da to shiritsutsu kono mune ni kakushita

osanai kodomotachi no itazura wo
anata to
himitsu no okurimono
todoku hazumo nai tsukikage naraba isso futari de nusunde shimaou
hisoka ni hisoka ni tsuki wo kudaite kagayaku koori wo kawa ni nagashita
fukaku fukaku umi no soko e
yuki no you ni mai tsuzuke hikaru yume

kioku no soko ni shizumeta omoi wo
tadatoki hanateba tsukuwareru darou ka

=======================================
記憶 | きおく Kioku – memories
沈める | しずめる Shizumeta (shizumeru) – sink
常時 | ただときTada toki – simply just, however; time/occasion
放つ | はなつ Hanateba (hanatsu) – to free/release
救う | すくう Sukuwareru (sukuu) – to rescue/save
焼付く | やきつく Yakitsuku (yakitsuita) – to burn
けせKese – disappear
通り過ぎる | とおりすぎるToori sugiru (toori sugita) – passed by
丈 | だけ Dake – just, as
眠り | ねむりNemuri – sleep
吐く | つくTsuku – (not sure which version) to breathe
瞬間 | しゅんかん Shunkan – in an instant
何時か | いつかItsuka – sometime/someday/one day
届け | とどけTodoke – report/register (bring to you – anata ni todoke)
騒ぎ | さわぎSawagi – disturbance/uproar
続ける | つづけるTsuzukeru – to continue/keep on
かざし | かざしKazashi – leeward (direction of the wind)
託す | たくすTakushita (takusu) – entrust / make excuse of
屋根 | やねYane – roof
掠める | かすめるKasumete (kasumeru) – to skim/sweepover/pillage/rob
遠く | とおくTooku – far away / distance
涯 | はてHate – horizon / the end, limit
集める | あつめるAtsumete (atsumeru) – gather, assemble, collect (eg. stamps)
光る | ひかるHikaru – shine, glitter, bright
夢 | ゆめYume – dream
答 | こたえKotae – answer, reply
問 | といToi – question/query
何度も | なんども Nandomo – many times
捜す | さがす Sagashite (sagasu) – to search
嘘 | うそ uso – Lies
だとdato – if it’s the case…
後 | しりshiri – last place, end, consequence
つつ tsutsu – while/though
胸 | むねmune – chest/breast (heart)
隠す | かくすKakushita (kakusu) – to hide/conceal
幼い | おさないosanai – childish/immature
悪戯 | いたずら itazura – pranks/tease/joke
秘密 | ひみつ himitsu – secret
贈物 | おくりもの okurimono – present, gift
届く | とどくtodoku – arrive/reach
筈 | はずhazu – expectation that something took place
月影 | つきかげ tsukikage – moonlight /beam
ならば naraba – if it’s the case/that being the case
一層 | いっそ isso – might as well
二人 | ふたり futari – two persons
盗む | ぬすむ nusunde (nusume) – steal
了う | しまう shimaou (shimau) – put an end to, do something completely
密かに | ひそかに hisoka ni – secretly
砕く | くだく kudaite (kudaku) – break/smash
輝く | かがやくkagayaku – gleaming/glittering/shining/sparkling
氷 | こおり koori – ice
流す| ながすnagashita (nagasu) – adrift/float
深入り | ふかいり fukaku (fukairi) – deep into
底 | そこ soko – bottom
へ He – to (e.g. the goal)
雪 | ゆき yuki – snow
ように youni – in order to (meet goal), hoping/wishing for something
続 | つずく tsuzuke (tsuzuku) – to continue

元ちとせ...

2010-10-23T13:48:00.002+08:00

元ちとせ...

Ahh,... am newly fascinated by HAJIME Chitose's songs... actually, it was like 3 years ago already tt I liked one of her song that was the ending of the Blood+ anime. But now listening to the other songs, I find a certain poignant emotion that runs through them all. And the traditional japanese style of singing (Ryukyu style is it?) is very emo... aka... nice... ;)

This was the first I heard.. -- Kataritsugu Koto

More discoveries... haha..

Haru no Katami

Miyori no Mori

Tsuki no Nusumu

Tsuki desu!!!

The heavens are telling the Glory of GOd!

2010-10-14T22:41:00.000+08:00

Today I had a Day-changing moment (not 'life' changing, but good enough).... In fact, this whole week i'd been bored, unsatisfied, searching, longing, wishing, complaining, neglecting, etc

And today as I looked at the recent "SKY" album that i set up in facebook, I happened to think of the hymn "The heavens are telling the glory of God..." I did a google search on it and found out that it is from Psalms 19 and is an actual psalm. Further search brought me to John Piper's article:

Preached 20 yrs ago in 1990!!!
http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/do-you-see-the-joy-of-god-in-the-sun

My photos of THE SKY: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=238358&id=604240527

I never realised that there is a ministry of the Sky... - maybe my sky fascination (explains my nick also) - is more than just a whim or fancy.... maybe it's really telling of how I yearn for God himself.

This article changed my day.

I love "Love"

2010-09-29T20:42:00.000+08:00

Proverbs 10:12
¹² Hatred stirs up dissension,
but love covers over all wrongs.

Let Love prevail.

Everything Has Its Time

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born, And a time to die;

A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted;

A time to kill, And a time to heal;

A time to break down, And a time to build up;

A time to weep, And a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, And a time to dance;

A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones;

A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to gain, And a time to lose;

A time to keep, And a time to throw away;

A time to tear, And a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, And a time to speak;

A time to love, And a time to hate;

A time of war, And a time of peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NKJV

Kuroshitsuji - and some Spiritual Parallels

2010-09-15T18:29:00.004+08:00

Just revisiting some of the recent anime OP songs.. haha.. :

Someone commented that these 3 animes quite similar... well, in order of preference, I like Kuroshitsuji, 7 Ghost, Pandora hearts.. :)

Anyway, for some time I wanted to post some thoughts on the anime 'kuroshitsuji' - in the context of spiritual warfare. Though one is just an anime, which is sometimes what we consider purely 'entertainment' or 'humour'... we can actually draw some parallels into the spiritual life...

Firstly, in the anime, the akuma/demon is called by a human and when a contract is made, serves to fulfil the human's wish, in return for his soul. In the demon's context, he will "raise" the human soul until it is ready for consumption. And for example, the human soul which achieves revenge, is sought after - to the extent of having a few demons fighting for the same soul. On the other hand, the demons are acting as the "butlers" of the human, and sometimes the human comes to rely greatly on the demon. We get the feeling that there is some kind of relationship building... friendship, but at the end of the day, the demon only sees that when the human has achieved his goal (usually something angsty), the soul that will taste great at the end.

In the spiritual life, we are at war. There are angels and demons around and definitely some parallels exist. For example, the idea of a soul getting revenge. Doesn't satan wish that for all of us, to be bent on revenge... and this kind of "soul" will be so much "tastier" to him? Satan and his minions also work slowly. They get into our good books, day in and day out. Sometimes, like the akuma-butlers in Kuroshitsuji, they appear to be at our disposal. But this is diabolical disposal. At the end of the day, they only want to devour our souls, ensuring that we will never be with God.

Therefore, for those who are with God, believers of christ, they have so much difficulty -- trying to worship God versus getting lured away, even subconsciously, by evil. You may wonder, what is really evil in this world? Well, anything that draws you away from God. So it could be anything that we do. Even things we do to gain better standing in the world, more money, more security, more etc... actually draw us towards ourselves, and away from God.

So satan is smart. As seen in this anime, he is like a handy butler, at our right hand side. Sometimes, even looking really cool and really helpful. Sometimes, we come to love him. But at the end of the day, he just wants to "raise" up our souls to his desired state, and to consume us at the end of the day. His desired state is that we walk away from God's ways, and disobey, doubt, or even rebel against God.

And, we, live lives comfortably, or more like indifferently...

Even living indifferently or moderately means we are just staying "safe". But in other words, we are not really participating in God's commandments to "love others" - because if we just love ourselves we stay safe and don't affect others, but we don't really bring God's love to others.

So even if we think we are safe, are we really?

Sky Roses

2010-09-15T09:01:00.002+08:00

Today I only remembered the last part of my dream. Anyway it went like this! I was coming out of a trip/retreat, and i had arranged with marlene to play tennis on thursday but blur, it was only tuesday. i actually went up to the venue itself, and instead of a tennis court, it was a kind of never-ever-seen type of court with wooden logs, a goal post and only 4-5 people on the game. New style football? Anyway since it is 2 days later, I say, ok i'll just go home then. So I went off. On the way back, I was walking along cityscape, somewhere like streets of shophouses/backlanes. I saw another group of people playing on that new-style football court thingee... I think, maybe I can introduce this to my youth group? (Haha, i'm always thinking these things nowadays...)

Then I reach the road. the view is somewhere like standing at the start of the Helix bridge... you can see the city skyline at the distance and an expanse of water in front - the bay. I decided to flag a cab and I had to walk down a flight of steps to the road. THEN, I saw the most amazing sky... it was evening and sunset. There were fluffly clouds all through the sky and they were all pink/purple/orange/yellow/red in one. They looked like roses! I immediately became a photographer again (as with all my many dreams) and i started trying to snap on my stupid phone. but my phone cameras is lousy! (my subsconsious is telling me that I need to buy a new camera or phone??)

Then at that moment the sky starts to change - there are people in the sky (this now becomes anime style) - and they are like anime characters... they fly around and it seems to be a "rose fair" in the sky! whahah.. after that a lot of people are crowding round and I just join in the fun, still trying to take pictures as they move about and different "rose" cloud formations form in the sky. The dream ends with me wondering whether I like any of the characters and thinking that I'm too old for it... (whaha... sounds like closet otaku syndrome).

How I survived Ministry to this day?

2010-09-07T01:22:00.002+08:00

"Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished. - 1 Chronicles 28:20 (NIV)

It's been 10 years in ministry... with new commitments still coming in... since 2000 till today, I find that the path is still long ahead. Where will I go? I'd like to know. But I can only walk on... and enjoy the journey - with the Lord by my side. Sometimes I stop, or sometimes I walk ahead. Sometimes, I really don't wish to live very long. Life is too much of a struggle. Seriously. But I rejoice in knowing my Lord and saviour.

My life - is still a work in progress... So many more things to learn, change, develop, discover.... and I hope I don't get too intimidated. May the Lord give me new courage!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How I survived Ministry to this day?
Through the seasons of ministry life: tiredness, discouragement, disappointment and sin!

- Know my passion (that people come to "know" & experience God)
- Make GOD your passion - then it will be fun and interesting!
- Prioritise God into your life - then you will have time for ministry!
- Accept the call to serve - say "Here I am Lord"
- Know thyself - knowing yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, prevents you from placing unnecessary stresses on yourself or others.
- Manage your expectations of yourself and others (after you know yourself)
- Learn - voraciously. Read, read, read, read, as many things as you can take..
- Network - go for talks, workshops, camps, from other groups in the archdiocese.
- Be positive - because it helps you get through the bad times, and encourages others too..
- Enjoy the work - because you do it unto the Lord, not men!
- Be creative - explore new territories.
- Don't limit God - He can change you, give you new talents/abilities, etc... if you just say Yes (but of course, you will know when to say yes or no even more - when you understand yourself better).
- Give people space - allow errors, give people benefit of doubt
- Be kind - because you need people's kindness back too!
- Trust - your team - and trust God in bad times
- Faith - in God to always provide
- Wait - for the Right Time (His Time) - always comes after the storm aka the "learning experience"..
- Love God - because He placed me in this path for my own growth
- Pray - always, unceasingly
- Strive - persevere always for the vision/mission/ministry/your members
- Ask God for directions & Listen to Him
- Work with your team and be a friend to them as much as possible
- Try to achieve a work-life balance so that you will be able to enjoy and pursue the things you want in life and also devote to Ministry
- Never think you are indispensable - it will make you haughty...
- Guard against pride, and against judgementalism (it will make you unhappy)
- Dun give up the fight against temptations, sin, emotional cycles (feelings of high & low)
- Make "eternity" your goal
- Have spiritual encouragers in your life, e.g. Godly friends who can pray for you.
- Every day, read something that motivates (e.g. a bible verse of the day)
- Have spiritual inspiration habits (e.g. time to pray, reflect, read bible, ask yourself all the time - "what is God telling me in this season of my life?")
- Develop a healthy attitude towards Church practices/history/hierarchy/administration. e.g. priests, liturgical practices, etc.
- Integrity - do what you say. If not, dun make promises. Dun say yes and then don't deliver (that is worse)
- Recognise that you serve God in your own unique way (e.g. like for me, I can do a lot of admin... but i'm not good at some other stuff, which other people may be good at, etc)
- Never forget it is all about God (if we forget Him, we lose track and focus on ourselves).
- When you feel negative, give yourself some time off... or ask others for prayers.
- Dun give up!
- Dream big!

Establish the work of our hands

2010-09-01T19:45:00.000+08:00

"So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom... "

"May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us -- yes, establish the work of our hands."

Psalm 90:12, 17

These verses inspire me this week. I pray for the favour of God to rest upon me and establish the work of my hands. Sometimes I get tired of doing church work but then again, if God calls, he will establish the work of our hands for us right?

What does this mean to me? It's that God is in control and he is the master of the House. We as the workers of the field, just have to do the work, which is given and meted out by God.

So as disciples of God, all we have to do is listen for the instructions and follow it.

So like the verse I was writing about a few days ago...
"Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished. - 1 Chronicles 28:20 (NIV)

This is my answer from God on whether I should continue another term at OLPS youth!

Life's little joys...

2010-08-29T21:33:00.000+08:00

I was mooning about the whole day - about life's worries --- but in this post, I was about to write about the sadness of life but I decided to call it life's little joys.

Good food...
Good friends..
The joys of easy travel - in a car... (although the car is giving us a noisy problem with an overworked fan that sounds like it's gonna explode any minute)
The joys of living in Singapore - easy to drive...!
The joys of a nice home, nice house...
The joys of family (even hearing them quarrel in the car and getting pissed at it all)...
The joys of having dinner together (not much is said but it's still good anyway)
The joys of having a mission (in church - in my youth ministry)
The joys of blogging
The joys of facebook - to just see what people are doing (it kinda connects people, if done right)
The joys of knowing that God is still aware of everything I am going through.
See... life ain't that bad.
But why can't I pluck up my courage and feel happy? Maybe it's just a natural time of winter,... I need to rest a bit more... and find my strength in Him. Coz in all the things we do, we can either run on our own strength or wait for God to renew our spirit.

God, my prayer is for:
- Peace & Love in the household
- Commitment and Passion from my fellow youth ministry members
- Respect and Friendship in the workplace
- Perseverance and Faithfulness to you in my own walk with You.
- Hope for the future instead of dismay
- Strength for the new year (of service ahead if my term continues)
- Consolation for times of loneliness and fear
- Friends to help in times of trouble and uncertainty
- Mercy for my lavish living and guidance on how I should live my life

Hmm....The walk in life is hard indeed. We are in need of so many things (Material & Non-Material).

In moments like these, I sing out a song, I sing out a love song for Jesus...

Why? Because I just feel like singing... to God - because I am so worried, so sad, so tired, so weak, so doubtful, and so unhappy.... I wanna sing...

Jesus, Lover of my soul, Jesus, I will never let you go. You've taken me, from the miry clay, you've set my feet on the rock, and now I know,
I love you, I need you, though my world may fall I'll never let you go,
My saviour, my closest friend,
I will worship you, until the very end...

I am a Living Stone...

2010-08-25T23:37:00.000+08:00

"May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love"(Ephesians 3:17, AMP)

TODAY'S WORD from Joel and Victoria: Did you know there is tremendous power in love? In the same way that a tree will grow taller and stronger when its roots grow deep, you will be stronger and rise higher when you are rooted and established in love.

Today, I also reflect on 1 Peter 2:4-5 -
4 As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, 5 you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

Many times, I feel rejected by men. Not because of their actions, but because I have rejected the ways of the world so much to the extent that by being in the world sometimes, it feels like i am being rejected. But this verse comes to me today, telling me that despite the inner and outer conflict I do experience, in the sight of God I am chosen and precious.

We are all living stones, and God is the mason - he places us in different areas fitting us together so that each of us serves a different purpose. When that is all in place, there is harmony.

I wonder what is happening now, and I can only wait for God to continue to strengthen me for the work ahead. It feels like a winter season where I get ready for spring again. Despite how tired I am, I feel like there is still a year ahead, that I must "offer spiritual sacrifices" on behalf of the ministries I am in.

Recently just joined a new publication ministry - without saying more here, I feel the urge also to pray for it. I don't know why. I just came back and started singing the song "God is Awesome in this place" and therefore that's how I got to the word "living stones".

In the lyrics of the song, it goes:
I've found where I belong
I'm a living stone
In this house
I will grow

The words are very symbolic. In my youth ministry, I have used the verse from Psalms 52 to symbolise the youth ministry. Then in this song, there is the same 2 words house, and the notion of growing (flourishing):

Psalms 52:8 But I am like an olive tree
flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God's unfailing love
for ever and ever.

I know... what i must do...

To serve or not to serve?

2010-08-19T02:02:00.000+08:00

Today I prayed many prayers. I asked God to give me a sign if he wants me to continue serving in my church youth ministry. And you know what? Just before I'm about to knock off to bed (it's 2am now!) I see this verse from the daily bible inspiration widget in my iGoogle:

Today's Verse:
And David said to Solomon his son, Be strong and of good courage, and do it: fear not, nor be dismayed: for the LORD God, even my God, will be with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee, until thou hast finished all the work for the service of the house of the LORD. - 1 Chronicles 28:20 (KJV)

And I look further closely and I realise it is "SOLOMON" again - why? Because when I was born, my parents had 2 names for me. If I was a boy, it would be Solomon, and girl, Samantha.

Well, in any case, I am not amused at God's sense of 'humour'. More like pissed.

But I am quite astounded because I did pray for God to give me a sign.

And the verse really speaks to me... it tells me that HE will not forsake me. This is akin to "abandon" / "forget"... and you know when I was first touched by the Holy Spirit in a retreat in 1999, I had the same words "I will not abandon you".... "I did not forget you".... from God.

Now, I see God says,
until thou hast finished all the work for the service of the house of the LORD

And I am doubly astounded - because deep inside, I am asking the Lord, that isn't my work finished? Isn't it good enough already? WHAT MORE does He want me to do? Does he want me to serve for so long until I hit my 30s? IT's crazy. And he says thru this verse,... to "Be strong and of good courage, and do it: fear not, nor be dismayed"...

Reading this, I can't help but Fear more... and Dismay more.... but I am also a little joyful inside, because I have a little inward assurance that if I say yes to 1 more year of service, I may be going in line with this Godly inspiration, which may be God's will for me!

Walking through the fire

2010-08-16T01:50:00.000+08:00

It's time for the test of fire. In our faith, we are usually put to the test. If we have no trials in life, our faith will not be tested. So recently my faith has been tested, and as I'm watching myself deal with the situations, I can actually see how much I have failed to remain absolutely faithful to God in this process. So many times, I lost the faith and quickly sought to disbelieve God's sovereignty, greatness, plan...

But thank God for my friends at YAM, a community who can pray for me, because when I'm at wits end, whom else can I turn to to hear my deepest worries, and thoughts!

As a result of this, I realise, that when I am weak, I should not react and respond - but rather wait for a time of empowering from God - filling of the Holy Spirit - that gives me the courage to respond to life's problems with love, peace and joy. People ask me why I am happy all the time.... and the real truth is, that I am not, but only because I found God, my security is in Him. Therefore, I can live life with that true joy and peace.

Somehow, I sense that God has a floodgate of blessings for everyone of us, if only we sat down in the stillness, acknowledged Him as God of our lives, and entrust all that we have to Him. Then only can He open the floodgates - and fill our lives with the blessings he intends for us. It's not that he prevents us from having it until we say yes He is God (that sounds petty) - but with us acknowledging God as the author of life and giver of our lives, we love Him back and in return, we experience the fullness of His blessings to us. Otherwise, we will always either never realise his blessings, or think that the blessings came from our own hardwork, or that some other thing gave us those blessings (e.g. maybe some stroke of luck) - but if we realised that God is the master planner of the entire universe, we realise that by seeking Him, we start to love him and develop a desire to know Him more. That in turn becomes a love relationship with Our maker, the Creator of heaven and earth. That in turn blesses us even further with a disposition of love and joy and peace. What more can I say? Why are people believing in stones and fortune telling when these things cannot guarantee your eternal security?

Kokoro wa doushite sonnani sabishii desu ka?

2010-07-31T00:52:00.000+08:00

Today - the blog is titled 'heart'.. The heart is so many things, fragile? emotional? strong? etc..

Just watched Nodame 2 today...soo sweet. Yet, it strikes a chord with me deeply. Nodame searches for her own path in life rather than following chiaki - ultimately she finds it... and rises up to the challenge of 'living life' and pursuing her dreams. I am finding myself in a similar predicament... but not so romantically... more like, it's really an ideal.

It makes me think, what am I searching for? In life, what are we pursuing? Aren't I facing the music head on? Facing life, doing what I should be doing, now then, how come sometimes, it never seems enough?

And yet, like Nodame, I think she is doing all that she does, because of love. I wonder, whether I will ever have that kind of love for someone. The feeling that it may never happen to me, is quite painful.

Oh well, then again, I put up all the walls around me and don't let anyone near, or let myself go near anyone. Why? Why? Why?

Everyone is searching for that special someone... I just see it everyone... we all long for someone to be close to, share similar dreams, passions, goals, hobbies, fun, interests, etc.

When I think about it, I find that maybe I am ok by my own. But I dun know if it's just whether i am putting up that strong exterior... whether my heart truly longs for a special person to share dreams with?

In any case, the practical side of me, says, it's better to be alone. There is less trouble. Less pressure. Less requirement to love. Maybe i take comfort in that too.

Walking on a tight rope

2010-07-27T17:36:00.000+08:00

Matthew 6:34Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.

I guess, I can only do this. Let go and Let God. Wait upon the Lord. Be like Mary.
What a lesson. What a long way since the times when I'd do and do.
Now, I do and do because I know that staying idle is like walking on a tight rope and if you stop, you lose the momentum and you would fall.
It's one day at a time.
I know God is faithful. I know God is near.

:)

I am pretty interested in a new find - Yoshida brothers... cool Shamisen music! ho ho ho!

Deep thoughts..

2010-07-20T21:55:00.000+08:00

I know my dreams have meaning.

What is love?... isn't it acceptance of a person, despite right or wrong, good or bad... that's Love isn't it? We love the person, hate the sin. We have to find it in ourselves to love beyond our mental logic sometimes. Love entails saying sorry, acknowledgeing our mistakes. Love brings peace. Love also means letting go of hurts and wrong. So it is hard indeed. But Jesus loves us despite us not loving him a lot of times.... so sometimes, I find that because of that, I can love others in return and not get angry at all. In fact, when I get angry it is either because I am moody, or I see people not being serious about God, or when I meet with people without integrity, saying one thing and not living up to their promises. I really dislike that.

Next thought... I realise I cannot run away when there is a war (of emotions, issues, ongoing strife). Yes, it may be peaceful so far, but what is peace? It is maybe just denial. True peace is being ONE with God and free from this world.... That's why we RIP...

I realise the need for intercessory... not for ourselves, but for the raging "wars" around us... unforgiveness, hurt, wounds, anger, which are a result of lack of love going around.

At the same time, I realise that by overlooking other's faults, we are also loving. One cannot love if one judges or expects perfection. Only GOD can give perfect love. No one on earth can.

I realise, I am only an instrument on this earth - that God can use... if I want him to use me.

I realise, that if I am in Christ, like the apostle simon peter, we may one day be led where we don't want to go... the narrow path, the cross, to pick up the cross... and "die" to ourselves...

I feel the suffering of the world... it is heavy.

I wonder, can life be so worldly, yet so spiritual? I think these two are poles apart. For that matter, I find that I finally have a stand. I do not agree with the prosperity gospel - though how much I have accepted it in the past.

The path to christ, is one of suffering - yet suffering brings peace. Love is not always easy. Yet Love is the only way to go.

I dreamt of our family searching for a round table to sit in - because the one we had had a triangular shape which was hard to communicate. I dreamt of my sis wearing a nice sunny blue hat... with a nice tan... There was another person in white hat.. mama? Then I dreamt too that I was wearing a light blue top... and was lamenting that I didn't have a blue hat... haha.. I was at a buffet... but forgot to take some food, telling myself that I'd come back later... Then we went to find the table.

Table (from www.dreammoods.com)
To see a table in your dream, represents social unity and family connections. If the table is broken, wobbly or not functional, then it suggests some dissension in a group. It may also refer to a sense of insecurity. Perhaps there is something you cannot hold inside any longer and need to bring it out in the open.

What is this table symbolising? In my dream, I had a sense of myself seeking better communication (like Round means can talk and see each other better) - Round also symbolises GOD (like a wedding ring) - that it is eternal... never ending...

What do I do next? Pray God tell.

Random Thoughts Again!

2010-07-18T23:29:00.001+08:00

Today I feel like blogging! hehe.. It's been sometime since the last post. Ok, what's the latest updates?

Goal setting - This weekend I learnt or remembered about goal setting and having SMART goals. Got me inspired to do the same training with the youth ministry. If we want to fulfil our dream, we need to make suitable plans... so now, what's happened to my plasn? SO many dreams and a lot of haphazard plans!

Too many commitments - I still feel like i've too many commitments. Within 1 week, i've gotta attend youth mtgs, YAM mtg, Jap class, and now also there's Young Adult ministry, Shakuhachi practice (fun only), and plus the need to practice my viola & japanese still each week (which i've consistently failed to do so). Hahaha.. Notice ensemble is already almost out of the picture... it's one of the fading commitments... but recently we talked about playing with Holy Fam again - and I think it may come back again - at least for Advent. I need to have a commitment to eating healthily and to excercise, but seems there's absolutely no time for that.. maybe need to stop all those couch-potato activities like all my j-dorama & anime? sigh... hmm.. so lazy.

Today
I went for young adult ministry and gave a little sharing on our Love-o-meter, from what we heard from YAM's session yesterday. It was really fun to share with others about God and get them interested to improve their relationship with God. I really feel passionate about this and that despite how lowly I think of myself, God may have some plan for me - that all will never be gone, despite how I think about how one day I will just go bonkers, quit church, quit everything, etc.etc. In fact, we are so excited to meet up next week, coz we're going for high-tea!!!

CSAA
I am so blessed with this community - the Catholic Students Apostolate Alumni (aka ~ 2004-2009-ish batches). Yup... they're mostly junior than me (what's new) --- and provide companionship each month for dinner or nights out. I am just happy to have friends there - or that I had the courage to go put myself there and make friends.

With all the things happening, there's been a question in my head - I have all that I need, what else do I lack? I lack nothing. I no need to worry for anything. I can just sit back and enjoy life. With this privilege, this kind of luxury, then, what am I going to do with my life next? Am I going to just sit back and enjoy life as what I've always loved to do? Or is there something I Must do?

I don't know, and i'm tempted to not do anything. Don't change the status quo. LET me continue being a superwoman and do all these wonderful noble things in church, in my leisure, in my work.. etc.

But the major question that stumped me this weekend is actually so simple... here goes:

Q: If Jesus was here now in the same room with you, what would you say to him/do?

For this answer, I realise, that how much I serve in church is useless, because if I feel uncomfortable with this question - like... "oh dear, what would I actually do?" then what have I been doing in church? What have I been advocating? A relationship with Jesus? When this question makes my heart flutter with panic rather than excitement? I feel ashamed, and feel that despite having "Everything" in life, I have really nothing, if I do not know what to do in the presence of JESUS! What do I do if I were to die then - i may not even enter heaven because I am still so unworthy and "uncomfortable" because Jesus is Holy and pure! :P

Dear Lord...

2010-07-09T07:39:00.002+08:00

Haha I like this:

A new dream!

2010-07-08T21:38:00.000+08:00

I remember a new dream I had yesterday. At the start, I was in a town, but i'm a traveller also, not really a resident there but a lady came up and asked me where's the post office. I didn't really know but I tried to help her. Then turning my head, I saw it in the distance and felt rather relieved and told her, "There it is"! Apparently it's like a small post box cum flower shop selling a lot of knick knacks.

Next, I walk into a department store next to it and begin to buy 2 umbrellas coz it seems to be pouring outside (maybe just started). The lady earlier is no longer around. I wonder about how she didn't thank me (harhar). Anyway, I then walk out and seem to have used both umbrellas to shield against the heavy rain-storm. (quite reminiscent of recent weather).

Then a change of scenario in an instant -- I am now telling someone (i think my sister) something like, did you know you can walk on that path out to the ferry? It's a straight path down, rather than going around the sides.. etc. Then, I seem to be holding up a map and on the map, I can clearly see that post office, the department store and the path towards the "ferry" where I seem to have gotten out of that place (an island?).

Towards the north of that "town" was a university campus a bit like my sister's, but in the map it was referring to "Graz (Austria)" where Pauline was studying years back (hahaha)! And furthermore, on a closer look, the map showed a lot of swimming pools! Haha.. maybe I thought it was quite fun (yah, coz we visited Pauline in 2005, to have fun there!). Man, what a mish-mash of items in this dream....!

Then finally, someone (i don't know who, maybe Gavin) was now telling me that it's funny how the simpler looking item is really the most difficult (this is quite hard to explain by writing, it's very crazy, as with all my remembered dreams!).

So, now looking at some "meaning" of the symbols in this dream, it seems it leads to some conclusion - the need to wash away past troubles, be cleansed, and also the struggle dealing with emotions perhaps! Here's some symbol explanations taken from dreammoods.com that I felt did match my thoughts and feelings as I was dreaming on this:
Post Office
To dream that you are in a post office, signifies an important message from your unconscious or inner wisdom. It may relate to your need to reach out and communicate with others. Alternatively, the dream means that you are trying to maintain your beliefs or reestablish contact with someone from your past.

Umbrella
To see an umbrella in your dream, symbolizes emotional security. You are putting up a shield against your emotions and are trying to avoid dealing with them.

Path
To walk through an open path in your dream, signifies clarity of thought and peace of mind. It also symbolizes your progress. To see a blocked or windy path in your dream, denotes that you need to give serious attention to the direction you are heading in your personal and/or business life. You need to take time out to consider and rethink the consequences before acting on your choices.
(Man this was RAINY!)

Ferry
... mean that you are going through some transitional phases in your life.

Map
To see or study a map in your dream, suggests that your current life path will lead to fulfillment of your needs and realization of your goals. It also indicates that you are set on the path to self knowledge and self discovery.

Swimming Pool
To see a swimming pool in your dream, symbolizes relaxation, calmness, luxury and ease. You need to take a break. Alternatively, a swimming pool suggests that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. You need to cleanse yourself and wash away those past hurts. (In this dream, it felt more like the relaxation and enjoyment part).

I think one significant part was the last part - how the simpler looking thing is actually most difficult to do. It could mean a lot of things - like the simple act of forgiveness. Or the simple act of doing the right thing. But that is just so hard to do.

Overall, I can see that in this dream, I am firstly desiring to "help someone who is lost". But after I do so, I have to weather a storm (and use 2 umbrellas haha). Then after passing this phase, I can relax and tell others of how they could have done it - and I find enjoyment (swimming pool).

OK, that's enuff for now, my latest dream analysis thus far.

Libera - Always With You

2010-06-18T17:06:00.002+08:00

The Path.... this was my drawing from "RECEIVE" youth retreat last weekend..

Hearing this song today "Always with you" by Libera, it kinda made sense to me.... see the lyrics:

Lyrics: Always with you

Do you know me, who I am?
I am always with you
I am near you every day,
Always share what you doFollow the path to anywhere,

A stranger in the world without you
Forever I will be there,
The shadow you always knew

Beati quorum via, integra est

If you think Ive gone away,
And am never with you
I am not so far away,
Always shadowing you.

After a long day of feeling tired, hearing this is nice and relaxing.... comforting... !

On another note, today's rather interesting - tried to donate blood but failed in the test after it showed that my blood has low iron count today, just 0.5 units short of the recommended! So no blood donation for me. I got iron pills instead. haha..

Listen to "Always With You" by Libera --- They're so cute - and their voices so heavenly...

Latest Weird Instruments on a whim!

2010-06-17T17:00:00.000+08:00

Lately I've got 3 different kinds of new instruments - the Shakuhachi, the Fife, and a Tin PennyWhistle. Interesting? Why all the sudden into the family of flutes? I dunno man... I really dunno! I got the Shakuhachi on a whim after Eugene said he's interested too > also because I like native Japanese music lah. Then the FIFE and Pennywhistle in Boston on a whim to "collect" them... ho ho ho!

Oh well... this is how they look like (not my original image):

and

We are in a Marathon towards Heaven...

2010-06-17T16:52:00.000+08:00

I feel like i'm in a marathon. One thing after another.. no rest. Or is it really? It's been some time since I have been thinking of so many things at one go and feel absolutely fine... most of the time, it's being accompanied by feelings of stress or tiredness. It's really strength of God. Isn't it? Listening to "Nothing is impossible" by Janna Long. It's like... I finally overcome my "resistance" to pray and the more I pray, the more I receive from God, the more I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me. It's not just a mind-game. It's not just an after-retreat high. In fact, after the retreat, I was tired like hell. But the more I dwell on these works in church, I find that I am sacrificing more and more time - like this Saturday is also "gone" because morning there is a youth project for kids and I have to see it through. Well, I could be disgruntled. There goes my Saturday morning. But upon checking out and confirming that I should be there, I decided to relent and do it cheerfully, and there is no more feelings of dread or tiredness because of the innermost strength that says I do it for God...

It is nice to walk with the Lord. I just wish the walk wasn't so difficult... every moment, there is the possibility of failing by my own doings (of giving up, stopping, turning back..etc). But at least for now, i am pressing on for the Goal.

"Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. And everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore, I run in such a way, not as without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but I buffet my body and make it my slave, lest possibly, after I have preached to others, I myself should be disqualified." (I Corinthians 9:24-27).

Today I read this verse which is rather NEW to me.

Hebrews 5:12-14 (New International Version)
In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.

I realise that for a long time, I have been shunning away from the fact that I am no longer a child - aka there is a need to grow up further and begin to teach, not be taught... This is a scary thought because I had shunned away from it for so long. I entered ministry already teaching. From 2001 - 2007 I had been teaching. Then as I left off from YAM's daily weekly routines to join the OLPS youths, I realise that I had so much to learn and became afraid... I stopped teaching. I had to begin learning again.

Now, I have been learning and perhaps God is gearing me up to begin another kind of work. I don't know what lies ahead. But I know it will be in His hands and that there'll be new challenges still to come. Hopeful? I guess, kinda for now.. ;)

"Desperate People" by Hillsongs United

2010-05-24T13:58:00.000+08:00

Posting this song again "Desperate People" by Hillsongs United - as listening to it today takes on a new meaning (again!) - as also compared with the previous blog post..

Lyrics:
You cross the great divide, You took our place
You offered up Your life, for we have failed
The veil was torn and love remained
You are holy Lord

Distraction costs us, how we seek Your face
We offer up our lives to bring You praise
A love the walls cannot contain
You are holy Lord

Sam: The walls that we build up around ourselves, are broken down by God's Love

We're rising up in spirit and in truth
A living sacrifice we worship You
People undivided Lord hear us sing
We are Yours and You are our King

Truth hurts - but when we stand on it, we rise up - We come closer to Jesus who is Truth... out into the light..

This is our love
Hearts joined as one
Desperate for all You are
Lord break down these walls
And see how we love
Desperate for all You are
We chase Your heart

We didn't come to leave here entertained
Or worship under any other name
We're crying out for You alone
You are holy Lord

We're rising up in spirit and in truth
A living sacrifice we worship You
People undivided Lord hear us sing
We are Yours and You are our king

This is our love
Hearts joined as one
Desperate for all You are
Lord break down these walls
And see how we love
Desperate for all You are
We chase Your heart

Show us the way to Your heart

We found our voice
We found our cause
We're on our knees, the carpet's worn
We join our hearts
With distant shores sing to You Lord

When the lost sheep is found - they know where they are headed. For me, I know I need God, so I must not give up - must continue to praise and sing to Him for we are made to worship God.

This is our love
Hearts joined as one
Desperate for all You are
Lord break down these walls
And see how we love
Desperate for all You are
This is our love
Hearts joined as one
Desperate for all You are
Lord break down these walls
And see how we love
Desperate for all You are
We chase your heart
We chase your heart

Pentecost Rally - GO!

2010-05-23T21:01:00.000+08:00

Very nice event - great talks and powerful prayers with Bob faricy & Cheryl (surname i dunno) - on many types of healing and empowerment.

After the rally I had to get my car which was stuck in the carpark, and decided to run off home. I dunno, after attending most rallies, I am always left with a bad confused aftertaste which leaves me pretty unsociable. The internal mind and heart are fighting against each other. My heart says praise God, my mind says - Did anything really happen? IN this state, am I in no position to go mentor younger people man... I just wanted to run away and be like Jesus who went off away from the crowds to be - alone.

Well, earlier I had a funny experience. When we were praying in our groups of 5, I was put in the middle and Fr. Faricy talked about "middle" child... I was wondering I'm not the middle child. But then again, I thought, and hey I thought maybe I am the middle child after all? Did you know my mum was due for a boy 6 years before I was born? Unfortunately that 'brother' was not born. It was a miscarriage. I wonder what kind of pain my mother had - she never talked about it. No one talks about it as far as I know. I feel a kind of bitter-sadness and can only wonder. Maybe in my growing up years and getting more chummy with mum years - I can finally ask her one day to share more things with me?

It's weird. After years of ice-block, I find that we don't know each other. A mother doesn't know her child, a child doesn't know her mother... we know, but we don't know. We wanna know, yet we don't wanna know. It's Such an irony.

We prayed earlier for healing of self-esteem. I find this issue coming up out of the carpet again. Especially as I prepare to go to Boston to see Ju, maybe large amount of self-esteem issues arise from our growing up years as teenagers... seeing Ju, and being reunited as a family, is a great idea, yet it is also a difficult thing to imagine. Will we rejoice being together, or be reminded of past hurts and old wounds?

Like Cheryl (the speaker) said, forgiveness is a matter of the "will". How can I forgive? I must will myself to do so.... then let go (instead of forget). We may never forget but we can let go. I like how "forgiveness" is a "medicine" to the wounds we have. I look at my "wounds" in me and I feel the pain of the searing knife piercing my heart - still. It's still there. I don't know when I can forgive. This is not about my sister now, it's about my current life. I don't know how I can forgive someone who doesn't want to hear my apology. The hurt is not from the issue but about not being forgiven after I've said sorry. Is my sorry not enough?

Oh well, I also hope that person forgives me if my sorry was just a sms. IN my family, we hardly say sorry to each other. But like today's talk said, we have to pray for healing from memories or things that are passed down in your family.

For us - it could be the sin of narcissicism - of wanting people to think we look good. That "ai mei, ai mei" syndrome. I so hate it but yet I so am it.

Truly, I need healing also of self-hatred, depression and all these conflicting self-depreciation.

I wanna disappear, yet I wanna be "a light" in the world - it is truly ironic.

At this stage, it is true that only when we receive from God that we can give. I am nothing - on my own, but in Christ, I can do all things.

Being a Lamb

2010-05-23T01:40:00.001+08:00

Tonight, I was looking at some blogs of really good looking, well dressed people, and I got discouraged and asked God - is the world really about images, appearances, looking good, fab, fantastic, stylish, up-to-date, super, better than the person next to me - and is it all about being up there, with the people who are "there" and the people who have "made it" in life and so forth?

I got the answer: "I am sending you out like lambs among wolves".

A quick check on the bible and it brought me to the verse Luke 10:3 which says "Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves.." Amazingly, the talk title for the pentecost rally which is today (23rd May) is also titled "GO"! Seems the Lord is already speaking to me before I even go for the rally.

And I just reminisce about today, being empowered by listening to talks again on the spiritual life - how to pray, how to develop a personal relationship with Jesus (again)... I just think it's a weird thing - this desire to be used in ministry for the purpose of God.

And well, I read backwards to Luke 10:2 and I see this special verse which ALWAYS touches my heart: The Harvest is Plentiful but the Workers are few.... (Luke 10:2) Think about it -- I was born on 10th FEB! 10-02.. ho ho...

Ok but well, I realise that this mysterious desire to serve, is because simply that I am "called". WE are called by God to "work" in the fields, to work for "the harvest". This is simply to tell people about the Kingdom of God - aka,... the Good news.

Now then, how do we do that? I think that's where we catholics have a lot to learn. We are so bad at evangelising.

I ask God -- why is it so painful? To serve, yet be seen as silly and folly in the eyes of the world. They think we're just "churchy". They think we're just pious people. Why? HOW CAN WE SURVIVE in this cold and cruel world?

Jesus just tells me... "I KNOW... I DID NOT SURVIVE"! >>>

To this, I am touched that maybe, I was not built to "survive" but to just "enjoy" this time I have here & not be afraid of "the world", to just be with Jesus and walk with HIM... and let Him lead me...

Your only Son
No sin to hide
But You have sent Him,
From Your side
To walk upon this guilty sod
And to become the Lamb of God

Your gift of Love
They crucified
They laughed and scorned him as he died
The humble King
They named a fraud
And sacrificed the Lamb of God

Chorus:
Oh Lamb of God, Sweet lamb of God
I love the Holy Lamb of God
Oh wash me in His precious Blood
My Jesus Christ the Lamb of God

I was so lost I should have died
But You have brought me to Your side
To be led by Your staff and rod
And to be called a lamb of God

Chorus

Oh wash me in His precious Blood
My Jesus Chris the Lamb of God

Crisis Communication

2010-05-19T13:13:00.000+08:00

Things to learn in crisis communication:
- Acknowledge don't hide
- It's not against you personally
- Everyone is right in some way, no use to argue that you are right
- Keep calm, dun stress
- Love, dun curse
- Keep humble
- Pray for the best...

It's like... any normal argument between 2 parties isn't it? Except in these cases, it could be large populations involved like a company and its public audiences.

More Life & God thoughts..

2010-05-19T10:08:00.000+08:00

If Adam had truly disobeyed God and Jesus is the one who made peace, then every day that we are alive is a second chance for us to make right with God through Jesus. Every day that we forget this fact, is then just a waste of time.

Life is indeed like a box of chocolates.. one day you pick a nice truffle, but the next is praline (ekk!!) And you wish everyday is Ferrero Rocher!

Some people say, imagine the end before you begin anything. In life, if we imagine the end, we probably need to be prepared to hear how we'd die. If Jesus told the disciples how they'd die before they began journeying with Him, do you think they would? If we imagine our ends, do we find ourselves terrified with the fact that we may die horribly in a car crash, or a sudden heart attack? Perhaps, the answer is to cling on less tightly to this fleeting life on earth and imagine eternity instead of "the end".... can we imagine the beginning of eternity that takes place after "the end"?

If dreams are the effect of our thoughts, then there should be 3 kinds of dreams (as with thoughts) - Godly dreams, our Own dreams, and Bad dreams. Godly Dreams are what takes us out of the mundane into the realm of faith, hope, miracles and creativity. Our Own dreams are what gives us motivation in life (to live out our 'dreams') and what we think we'd like to do. Bad dreams then counteract everything and inspire fear, dread and confusion. Are you lost in a bad dream? Jesus' mercies are new every morning.... new every morning...

When we are at wit's end, we dig deep into our heart and find only darkness and chaos. That is when a simple "Our Father" or "Hail Mary" saves the day.

Dreaming of Light...

2010-05-14T11:36:00.000+08:00

I forgot most of my dream last night but I remember that I was in a room and the light was "off" and I was wondering how to make it work... I had to give it a hard knock before it flickered on again. This short segment (of the long dream which i forgot most of) kinda makes sense through this week as I re-evaluate my life and my life-plans, both spiritually and realistically... so forth... it's interesting!

Dream symbols which did mean something to me! (taken from dreammoods.com):

"Fix" - To dream that you are fixing something, indicates that you need to reevaluate and rethink a situation or relationship in your life.

"Light" - To see light in your dream, represents illumination, clear mind, guidance, plain understanding, and insight. Light is being shed on a once cloudy situation or problem. You have found the truth to a situation or an answer to a problem.... etc..

IN THE LIGHT Lyrics (DC TALK)
I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from You
I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do

What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior

(chorus)
I wanna be in the Light
As You are in the Light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh, Lord be my Light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the Light
All I want is to be in the Light

The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control

Tell me, what's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior

(repeat chorus)

Honesty becomes me
[There's nothing left to lose]
The secrets that did run me
[In Your presence are defused]
Pride has no position
[And riches have no worth]
The fame that once did cover me
[Has been sentenced to this Earth]
Has been sentenced to this Earth

Tell me, what's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior

(repeat chorus 2x)

[There's no other place that I want to be]
[No other place that I can see]
[A place to be that's just right]
[Someday I'm gonna be in the Light]
[You are in the Light]
[That's where I need to be]
[That's right where I need to be]

The Shakuhachi!

2010-05-12T16:27:00.001+08:00

That's it, the latest news... I'm gonna get a Shakuhachi (Japanese Bamboo Flute) to jazz around with. For fun! Eugene's quite keen on it too ;) Hehehe... it's gonna be fun coz we're not alone. It's crazy, there's no where to learn in SG and we probably will have to go for an online lesson over Skype.. hwaha.. whatever said, I am only doing this on a whim. Maybe i'll get tired of it or not keep up but ahh well who cares!

WHY Shakuhachi? It's a bit like the Native American Flute. But I like it because I once heard a flute part in the princess mononoke soundtracks and I kept wondering "what is that sound"? Later tried to search for what kind of instrument it was, and I think it is the Shakuhachi. Then again, I am also not so sure, coz there's really no info on that ... so it could just be the normal flute. In any case Shakuhachi is interesting in that it has a history right through to Zen buddhism. Not that i'm into that, but i just like the ancient sounds... so close to nature.. and it's just a bit rare that is also what makes for the intrigue.

An interesting find of jazz shakuhachi & violin together in a weird cute-sy jazzy song...

PaoYen's suggestion -- to play Black Orpheus together... hmm if I visit HK!

Anyway, I was just reading a summary list of philosophers and their views of the meaning of life. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meaning_of_life and I was wondering which I do agree with. I think it would be these philosophers:

Aristotelianism: That what is virtuous is not just studying it, but being virtuous. What is virtuous? That every skill and inquiry, action, choice, is thought to have some good as its object, with a goal. Where everything has a goal, action A achieves goal B, but B also has a Goal, C, and so forth, it stops at the Highest Good which is its own goal. The Highest Good is not desirable for the sake of achieving some other good, and all other ‘goods’ desirable for its sake. This involves achieving eudaemonia, usually translated as "happiness", "well-being", "flourishing", and "excellence". All these are identical with the good life and successful living.

Cynicism: In the Hellenistic period, the Cynic philosophers said that the purpose of life is living a life of Virtue that agrees with Nature. Happiness depends upon being self-sufficient and master of one's mental attitude; suffering is consequence of false judgments of value, which cause negative emotions and a concomitant vicious character. The Cynical life rejects conventional desires for wealth, power, health, and fame, by being free of the possessions acquired in pursuing the conventional.[60][61] As reasoning creatures, people could achieve happiness via rigorous training, by living in a way natural to human beings. The world equally belongs to everyone, so suffering is caused by false judgments of what is valuable and what is worthless per the customs and conventions of society.

I think I'm very much just into these two. I like the Cynic ideas of rejecting conventional desires for wealth and so forth, perhaps it's coz I just feel that these things do not bring one true happiness.

Besides that, it would then be my Christian values... the idea of knowing Christ, and serving Him, Christ as a personal saviour, the concept of sin and salvation... these then take predominance.

Ok i can't go on, it is getting too cheem for my simple brain.

Lessons at the Adoration Room

2010-05-09T02:23:00.001+08:00

8 May 2010 - Esther is married! Soo happy for her!

Anyway, tonight for our session at YAM (youth arise ministry) we spent 30 minutes at the Adoration room to contemplate the blessed Eucharist, which is the body and actual presence of Christ. It's been a long time since I made my way to the Adoration room, and I told God, thank you for finally getting me here, somehow!

As I continue to reflect, my mind turns to what we just heard at the YAM session, about the Eucharist and how it is the body of Christ, the Sacred Heart of God. In one miracle it was found that the bread that we often consume during Holy Communion actually turned into flesh and the wine turned into blood. Scientific research proves that the flesh was made of muscle tissue from the heart, and blood was AB (i'm that too!). So the Eucharist we have is the actual body of Christ. Without it, our church is empty.

Anyway, there was another point that made me think - Why did the apostles preach so boldly only after their pentecost experience? It is because they received "LOVE". After even 3 years journeying with Jesus, it is not enough to make them convicted. Rather, they had to experience the infilling of the Holy Spirit, their "God-Experience" --- and this was more like a receiving of God's Love - an intimate personal revelation to them that GOD IS REAL after all!

Tonight, as I sit at the adoration room, at the start my thoughts dull and gets filled with so many other thoughts, and I slowly get sleepy. But then I hear a tune "Stop in the name of love... before you.." (hahaah) and I momentarily 'wake up' and wonder whether it is my imagination... but I remind myself that God sometimes our imaginations also to speak to us, that since I'm before Jesus himself, I shall trust that it is HIM speaking to me right there!

Next, I notice the neatly placed pots of greenery & flowers in the Adoration room, and I get a thought: - That Jesus is telling me, "I go and prepare a garden for you." and He goes on to say... "What flowers do you want?"

Just think of it... it's like how I would treat my friends... I'd take joy in giving them the things that will make them happy. So Jesus is like that too?! That extremely simple realisation makes my heart pulpitate faster... A tear begins to form in my eye. I never thought of Jesus so personally, that perhaps, I don't have to do things all the time and that sometimes He would like to do things for me?

Then the next thing that happens, I started to try to 'worship' God saying "You are beautiful Lord,"... etc. But then I have this thought, like Jesus is telling me, why do I always have to worship Him, can't I let Him tell me the same thing back too? I was astounded once again.

Then finally, there is the song which goes "HE" but this time, I sense Jesus saying it all in the first-person perspective. Once again, a new way of thinking...

HE (by Richard Mullan - James Richard)
(Changing the "HE" to "I", in first-person narrative):

Jesus is saying to me...... :
"I can turn the tides and calm the angry sea
I alone decides who writes a symphony
I light every star that makes your darkness bright
I keep watch all through each long and lonely night

I still find the time to hear a child's first prayer
Saint or sinner call and always find Me there
Though it makes Me sad to see the way You live
I'll always say I forgive

I can grant a wish or make a dream come true
I can paint the clouds and turn the gray to blue
I alone knows where to find a rainbow's end
I alone can see what lies beyond the bend

I can touch a tree and turn the leaves to gold
I know every lie that you and I have told
Though it makes Me sad to see the way you live
I'll always say I forgive..."

Love, Life and the Spiritual

2010-05-08T03:19:00.000+08:00

Having a real late nite today... but good talk earlier with some good friends. It's always good to talk, banter, share, so forth. Our subject?.... from Marriage, to What-you-look-for-in-a-guy, to Past crushes and so forth... hwahaha it's like everything under the sun.

As I come home and rest and relax now at 3am... I just have a thought... I wonder if people see me as a calm, dependable, even say, successful in the things I do and I wonder if people do envy me?

Because, at the end of the day, like tonight, I don't quite envy myself... heh... it's like you know who you are deep inside. Outside people see the good things, but sometimes bad things are hidden. It's like everyone has a little 'dark' side to them. What we often see is usually the 'good' side.

I wonder, if at the end of the day, I am afraid of letting others see this 'dark' side of mine, that I close up to deeper relationships in life? Maybe it is a bit true, because at the end of the day, I am feeling like no one really knows me.

What is the dark side? The low-self esteem, insecurity, depressive thoughts and lack of goals and ambition in life. It is all these and maybe even more that I am reminded of today once again. Because when talking about one's love life and so forth, one is brought to think about what makes "me".... and our pasts and our very 'identity'.

That said... I wonder, how have I got out of those dark areas over all these years? I'm no longer a teen and why are all these thoughts coming up now?

I know it so - I know what God is up to... (at least I think i know) - I believe, he is bringing me back to the state of emptiness, so that I can completely let go and rely on Him and from there, can come new spiritual life.

It's hard to understand, and I don't expect anyone to understand so.

The struggle now is just whether I'd want to receive God's assurance and love through this process, or deny it and solve it my own way (like numbing myself and occupying myself with more noise and addictions like my drama & anime) or spiral into a worsened emo state.

Being the safe-player, I tend to fear God and come back to Him at the end of the day. He wants that coz the 'fear' of the Lord is Holy. (think "awe")

But as it is now, I know but I don't do. The flesh is weak. I choose to stay away. Why is it so? I also can't comprehend myself.

Our spirituality is so simple yet so complicated.

I better pray instead of thinking too much... yup it's 3am.

Relaxing Shakuhachi!

2010-05-04T17:39:00.004+08:00

Ahh... a perfect tune to listen to when I'm down. It's immediately healing and calming. So "zen"... It's a new development that I kinda like the Shakuhachi Flute (Japanese bamboo flute) and am thinking that maybe I can learn it one day!!! But so far, seems it's a bit hard to find information online... oh man.

Anyway, came across some news that there was a recent 5-day event by Esplanade, "A Tapestry of Sacred Music", featuring cultural sounds from around the world and there was a performance "Sacred Sounds of Japan". Interesting... Read more at http://supermerlion.com/sacred-sounds-of-japan/

The sound is fascinating, yet, not sure also whether I can really appreciate this kind of music all the way or all the time.. Anyway for now, I kinda like the "faraway" zen-like sound of the shakuhachi flute... ho ho ho...

Anyway, to follow up from my previous post, this article really is good:

The Gift of Loneliness

Adapted from The Single Journey
from Christianity Today International

http://www.crosswalk.com/singles/11621199/page0/

Alone

2010-05-02T00:07:00.003+08:00

I feel lonely. Life is fun, busy and packed with many good things to do and enjoy about. There are good family members around me, and friends all around. But nevertheless, nothing can change the fact that there is an inner self within me that feels lonely. I hide that beneath the cheerful exterior and busy noble self. But that cannot bury the overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Maybe I long to have some more meaningful relationships around me... develop closer friends with the acquaintances around me, become more open to people around me and share more of me with others. But I fear. I fear rejection, my negative traits projecting onto other people, making them unhappy. Humans are needy aren't they? We always need emotional connection and when that is insufficient, we crave. Have I been independent for too long? or have I simply been lying to myself? Or is this just a passing feeling? I hope to think so... coz Life is so tedious.

Psalm 25

2010-04-19T23:18:00.002+08:00

Psalm 25
Of David.

1[a] To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul;
2 in you I trust, O my God.
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me.

3 No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.

4 Show me your ways, O LORD,
teach me your paths;

5 guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

6 Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.

7 Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O LORD.

8 Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

9 He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.

10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.

11 For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

12 Who, then, is the man that fears the LORD ?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.

13 He will spend his days in prosperity,
and his descendants will inherit the land.

14 The LORD confides in those who fear him;
he makes his covenant known to them.

15 My eyes are ever on the LORD,
for only he will release my feet from the snare.

16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.

17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.

18 Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.

19 See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!

20 Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.

21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.

22 Redeem Israel, O God,
from all their troubles!

Somewhere in Time

2010-04-13T21:47:00.003+08:00

Back from Japan trip! Sooo lovely. I think this is how I feel like now... "Somewhere in Time"....

Anyway, just to add on... found an interesting tongue twister:

I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

hyahyaa..

My newfound respect for Beethoven!

2010-04-02T03:19:00.003+08:00

31 March - I watched a documentary on "In Search of Beethoven" - and boy, this completely changed my concept of the composer. Well, I don't really study music in-depth though I do regularly hear all these composer names. So, not really going indepth (I never even really read about his life story) I was of the perception that Beethoven's music is all too nice and happy sounding all the time... too pretty... positive...

What I didn't see was how spiritual it all could be and relate with ministry. The background. The context it was written in.

Basically, Beethoven has a gift and passion for music of one of the highest degree. But he goes deaf. Nevertheless, he continues to pursue his art. Simple story, but this docu was extremely well done. It made me see the character, the person, the life, the journey. It makes you feel like you know this guy! Despite his troubles, struggles, sadness, loneliness, it brought out his genius and passion for music!

(Phil)

Better still, that day we actually met the director/producer of this documentary. Amazing.

Phil Grabsky was there in person at Sinema OldSchool that evening to tell us more about how he made the film. Read interview here

I was so impressed I bought the DVD on the spot...!

Some of Beethoven's quotes that I like!

"Recommend to your children virtue; that alone can make them happy, not gold."

“Then let us all do what is right, strive with all our might toward the unattainable, develop as fully as we can the gifts God has given us, and never stop learning”

“Music is the mediator between the spiritual and the sensual life.”

It comes across to me now that Beethoven was actually living life to the fullest... he was a survivor. He had deafness and illness all his adult life, but never compromised on his main love of music and the art of composing music.

It is really inspiring....

Now when I hear his tunes, I won't just say,... ahh.. Beethoven... but rather, "woah it is Beethoven!"

Japan break!

2010-04-02T01:20:00.003+08:00

In a few hours I'll be going for a 10-day break to Japan! Sugoi-ne!

Man... what a long-awaited dream & break... it's a good feeling.. packing up and going somewhere... ahaha!!

What is freedom?

2010-03-28T06:53:00.001+08:00

Today I emerged from a 7hr overnite vigil at church... still awake... though i napped a lot in between.

I am thought-filled (not full, but filled) haha. I just can't wait for a break this Friday as I leave for my Japan trip. Finally the long awaited trip.

I ponder over the theme, freedom. What is freedom? Is it to do what I want and without the constraints of anyone? Is it to fulfill my dreams? Is it to just have a free carefree personality without worries? Is it to be without commitments and responsibilities?

Recently got tempted. I have a choice, to go do something I really like. But the trade off is long-term security and the sense of achievement & completion in the tasks/job/projects at hand. If I go ahead to pursue my 'wildest' dreams, will I really be happier? Or will the uncertainty take a turn and haunt me instead?

I could live with my personal choice. But the fact that it affects other people, makes me less free.

The fact that in our world, our actions affect other people, makes 'freedom' an illusion. If we are free to do what we want, at the result of other people's wellbeing, that is not being free.

Freedom is making a reasoned choice. After a bout of reasoning with good friends, I came to a decision that it is not best to follow my wildest dreams. Then again, that's coz we're all practical people.

When the head speaks, the heart is dampened. When the heart speaks, the head sends out alarm bells.

Which do I listen to?

Yet again I listen to the head.

There goes my 'dream' of playing music and doing art all day. Fantasy world. Then again, I am also not ready to embrace this kind of life. It is a total revolution of my daily routinised life right now. Can I take it?

I hope that it may still come to pass one day.

Sunday Morning Work

2010-03-14T12:30:00.001+08:00

What a way to spend Sunday Morning. Woke up at 8am today and immediately got to work. Office stuff (cos will be on leave tmrw and Tues for a conference), then youth stuff like updating blog posts, facebook, planning retreat programme/publicity, EDYD publicity, doing online fund transfer..

4.5 hours later, I have a headache.

Ok time to rest..

My small and only prayer is... Lord there must be a purpose for all these... you gave me the time and determination to do this, so I just follow through it, help me not to feel disgruntled..

Cheers!

Another message

2010-03-07T02:40:00.000+08:00

Well, read another section of Isaiah tonite - Ch. 54. It is amazing... it speaks to my 2nd issue that I'd been mulling about in some previous posts - about being intentionally single, then being disillusion about loving someone for life.. then this Isaiah 54 pops up and I read "For he who has become your husband is your Maker; his name is the LORD of hosts; Your redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, called God of all the earth."

... How Apt?

Isaiah
Chapter 54

Raise a glad cry, you barren one who did not bear, break forth in jubilant song, you who were not in labor, For more numerous are the children of the deserted wife than the children of her who has a husband, says the LORD.
Enlarge the space for your tent, spread out your tent cloths unsparingly; lengthen your ropes and make firm your stakes.
For you shall spread abroad to the right and to the left; Your descendants shall dispossess the nations and shall people the desolate cities.
Fear not, you shall not be put to shame; you need not blush, for you shall not be disgraced. The shame of your youth you shall forget, the reproach of your widowhood no longer remember.
For he who has become your husband is your Maker; his name is the LORD of hosts; Your redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, called God of all the earth.
The LORD calls you back, like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit, A wife married in youth and then cast off, says your God.
For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with great tenderness I will take you back.
In an outburst of wrath, for a moment I hid my face from you; But with enduring love I take pity on you, says the LORD, your redeemer.
This is for me like the days of Noah, when I swore that the waters of Noah should never again deluge the earth; So I have sworn not to be angry with you, or to rebuke you.
Though the mountains leave their place and the hills be shaken, My love shall never leave you nor my covenant of peace be shaken, says the LORD, who has mercy on you.
O afflicted one, storm-battered and unconsoled, I lay your pavements in carnelians, and your foundations in sapphires;
I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of carbuncles, and all your walls of precious stones.
All your sons shall be taught by the LORD, and great shall be the peace of your children.
In justice shall you be established, far from the fear of oppression, where destruction cannot come near you.
Should there be any attack, it shall not be of my making; whoever attacks you shall fall before you.
Lo, I have created the craftsman who blows on the burning coals and forges weapons as his work; It is I also who have created the destroyer to work havoc.
No weapon fashioned against you shall prevail; every tongue you shall prove false that launches an accusation against you. This is the lot of the servants of the LORD, their vindication from me, says the LORD.

Strength...

2010-03-07T02:18:00.001+08:00

Well, my post a little while earlier sounded really bad. But just a few minutes later, I found myself hearing the song Everlasting God by lincoln brewster, and hearing him talk about Isaiah 40 and happen to read Isaiah 35 AGAIN!

Isaiah 35:

The desert and the parched land will exult; the steppe will rejoice and bloom.
They will bloom with abundant flowers, and rejoice with joyful song. The glory of Lebanon will be given to them, the splendor of Carmel and Sharon; They will see the glory of the LORD, the splendor of our God.
Strengthen the hands that are feeble, make firm the knees that are weak,
Say to those whose hearts are frightened: Be strong, fear not! Here is your God, he comes with vindication; With divine recompense he comes to save you.
Then will the eyes of the blind be opened, the ears of the deaf be cleared;
Then will the lame leap like a stag, then the tongue of the dumb will sing. Streams will burst forth in the desert, and rivers in the steppe.
The burning sands will become pools, and the thirsty ground, springs of water; The abode where jackals lurk will be a marsh for the reed and papyrus.
A highway will be there, called the holy way; No one unclean may pass over it, nor fools go astray on it.
No lion will be there, nor beast of prey go up to be met upon it. It is for those with a journey to make, and on it the redeemed will walk.
Those whom the LORD has ransomed will return and enter Zion singing, crowned with everlasting joy; They will meet with joy and gladness, sorrow and mourning will flee.

Isaiah 38:18-20
For it is not the nether world that gives you thanks, nor death that praises you; Neither do those who go down into the pit await your kindness.
The living, the living give you thanks, as I do today. Fathers declare to their sons, O God, your faithfulness.
The LORD is our savior; we shall sing to stringed instruments In the house of the LORD all the days of our life.

Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know or have you not heard? The LORD is the eternal God, creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint nor grow weary, and his knowledge is beyond scrutiny.
He gives strength to the fainting; for the weak he makes vigor abound.
Though young men faint and grow weary, and youths stagger and fall,
They that hope in the LORD will renew their strength, they will soar as with eagles' wings; They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.

Tests of faith

2010-03-07T01:38:00.000+08:00

What do I do? The car has another problem again. Can't start. For no reason. It was working well last night. And this simple small problem to me is like ever huge. The message at YAM tonight was good, say to your problem, "problem, I have a big God"... put God in persepctive, first, and we'll see that everything else is not as big as before.

But therein lies the struggle of faith. It is like struggling for air while having a cramp in the ocean. You wish there was a life buoy somewhere nearby but there is none. You have to depend on time, for the cramp to disappear on it's own, and you're wrecking your brain for an immediate solution, all the while, gasping for breath.

I think it is true when Gavin/Sury says that there is special grace during this time of Lent, where God reveals things even more, things that relate to Him being our saviour, our Lord, our God, our Father. I feel that this whole car incidents not one but over the whole CNY, till now, is telling me something... but it is an awful feeling because I still can't let go of it.

What? -- Fear. The fear of failing, disapproval, doing the wrong thing. Failing to drive safely, the disapproving comments of others, or just plainly how to react to negative circumstances. I think I fail in all areas. This is such a depressing feeling.

Today I fear again. What to do with the car? I can just tell my dad, run to daddy! But i am afraid. Why? Not because of him perhaps, but because I don't want to be seen at fault, I don't want to be wrong, I don't want to be the one who did something and caused the car. Seriously, I hate it. I hate it when things like this happens.. and then there's no one to blame.

And i feel like a little child again. Issues that does not seem fit for my age plague me again. Just tell dad. What's wrong with that? I just don't like it.

Sigh. feeling like a little child again... isn't it.

It's this time also that one feels like having a close someone to confide in. And I am also uber cynical. What's there to spend a whole life with someone if there isn't love?

I don't feel i could love anyone forever.

ARGH.

Being Single with Intentionality?

2010-03-05T11:00:00.003+08:00

This article was quite inspiring, i so agree with all the comments below as well!

Being Single with Intentionality
By Lauren Sheehan

Glow-in-the-dark Putt-Putt, laser tag, make-your-own ice cream sundaes and skee ball. A teenager’s dream, right? The funny thing is, these activities are not a part of a teenybopper’s weekend schedule—they are actual events I have attended as an adult in singles’ ministry. While I have been reluctantly traipsing through dark, musty rooms clutching a laser gun, some of my married friends have been hosting dinner parties, having cookouts and building face-to-face community. Although I might have left with a Chinese yo-yo bought with my skee ball winnings, my married friends left with a deeper sense of belonging.

Because I’m single, is it assumed that I automatically enjoy perpetual icebreakers? Am I not ready to graduate to the land of sophistication and supper clubs, or is this just the fate of a woman who has failed in the dating department? Somehow, these self-deprecating ideas don’t mesh with what I know to be true about the way God loves me. So, how then, does a single person navigate through this season, finding appropriate amounts of community while not subjecting themselves to feeling as though they are stuck in the land of lock-ins? My answer to this has been intentionality.

READ MORE

I like one of the comment by "Lori" which says:
...My time is now. Just because I'm not married yet does not mean that my life isn't full of opportunities to follow God. In fact there are probably several things that I can do now that I wouldn't have the opportunity to do if I was married. It certainly doesn't mean I'm any less busy than a married person, but I do feel a little freer.

And another one by "Brianne":
... I have a full and vibrant life despite my single status, and I'm just as interested in building community as my married friends. A lot of churches don't have singles' ministries at all, and the ones who do oftentimes treat them like a Christian dating service. It's good to know that there are other singles out there who are trying to make their walk work in this couples-oriented world.

Cheers to Singlehood!

JOY of being Alive!

2010-03-03T12:58:00.000+08:00

how is it possible?

Last week, maybe cos of the adjustment and trip over SYdney, there were momentarily highs and lows. But spiritually, it was super low. It was full of fear, worry and weariness.

Then we had our youth gathering on 27 FEB Saturday called Alive!

Then come this week, i've been rather happy, light, feeling free from stress. But also, there is a certain peace within.

Is it just a matter of stress?

Or is this spiritual warfare? Like they always say, before an impending activity that is for God, there will always be a certain kind of tribulation, trials, low-moments.

I'd liken it to prayer. I think my prayer last week was "Lord prepare me, to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried & true, with thanksgiving, I'll be a living, sanctuary, for you"....

Then this week, my prayer is answered. God has freed me from the tendency to want to sin and be apart from Him... He has come near, he has answered my prayer. I can pray. I can sing a song of praise. I don't feel "sad" or "hypocritical" while singing a song of praise. It comes from the bottom of my heart. A feeling of humbleness, dependency on God, and an awe and reverence of the Lord my Saviour.

What is this feeling at all, if not the Holy Spirit working within me?

;)

A Grain of Wheat

2010-02-28T22:37:00.001+08:00

Maybe, I am like a grain of wheat...

John 12:24 made sense for me today!

..."Amen, amen, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will preserve it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me, and where I am, there also will my servant be. The Father will honor whoever serves me."

Read an online reflection here: http://www.heartlight.org/wjd/john/0827-wjd.html

I was lamenting in the previous post about how I am the older brother in the story of the prodigal son.
This passage that I just discovered today is like a continuation from yesterday's reflections. And praise god, that i remembered the song lyrics of a old catholic hymn and thus was led to search for the actual bible verse.

Anyway, so I'm like a grain of wheat. Unless I 'die' to myself, There cannot be fruit.

So what is dying to myself? As Jesus said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” (Matthew 16:24-25)

And therein lies the struggle ;)

AM I Really ALive?

2010-02-28T09:54:00.000+08:00

Hi all, Yesterday I attended ALIVE, my OLPS Youth Ministry's monthly gathering. Finally, got the guts to push it up to Verbist hall again. Despite all my worry and fear (i was struck by that the whole week) that people will not come and that it will be a badly organised event, I left the night with a peace that God is still God after all, because despite all my worries, I think God was still present in our sharings after all.

It was thought provoking, especially the video that David shared with everyone, called "Shaking Tokyo". It made us reflect about our lives and whether we are really alive. Read more at http://olpsyouth.blogspot.com/2010/02/alive.html

My own reflection on this is that I am like the OLDER Brother in the story of the Prodigal Son. I do alot of work for my Father, but as long as I do the work, I feel like I've done my 'job'. Then I feel mundane and bored that everyday I am working in the field, planting seeds, for the "harvest" but the harvest is not even here yet or I Don't see anything or feel any support. In fact, sometimes I feel like i'm the only one working in the field. Or that the field is sooo huge that everyone is somewhere on some plot of land working on their own seed-planting and no one is near me... save for some. That's a really negative thought but it happens. I then judge others and their way of planting seeds, saying that this person's way can or cannot work, when I'm not really the master of it all... the Owner (God) is the real gardener/master.

SO then, I realise that I am alive, but not really ALIVE In the SPIRIT. Being Alive in the Spirit gives us real Love for our neighbours, Strength to persevere through trials and persecution and sadness, and JOY that radiates to others. A deep prayer life that does not shake amidst circumstances.

So what is needed to make me, a somewhat hikikomori just like the movie we watched yesterday, come out from my hiding place? It is to put my trust and security in the LORD. Not in my ownself.... because when I did that, I had fear and worry for a whole week.

I need LOVE of God that gives me the courage to step out of my comfort zone.

I thank God for making me and giving me life. Now I wish I will become truly ALIVE with His Spirit in me! and not just "complete" life doing my job well and earning all the hit-points/achievements. It might be perfect if I lived life that way, but it would not give me lasting fulfillment that only God can give.

Kaiji

2010-02-24T23:51:00.002+08:00

Watched this movie in the plane ride home... acted by Tatsuya Fujiwara (Death Note)... spoilers may be below... *warning*!

And must say, it left me thinking still. I actually like the story.. parts of it, not all! It made me think of humanity and our ability to survive. Especially the 'brave men's road'... where there was a dialogue about how we are never more alive than when we face all kinds of hardship and overcome them..

Anyway, for the main story, Ito Kaiji is is portrayed here as a loser in life, surviving each day on a petty job, petty gambling and going no where in life. He is then given an opportunity to repay a debt (that he never knew he incurred due to being someone's guarantor) and a chance to win it all in one swoop aboard a ship 'Espoir'. He takes the chance rather than having to work for 10 years to repay it all. But it is all a con job and he ends up losing badly. Talk about loser.

The interesting part is how the people luring all these losers into a 'lose-lose' situation, where they are stuck for life. These people are rich con-men, loansharks, and it seems they are building an empire. It seems like an interesting sub-plot but we never get beyond that. Maybe it's only a movie so we don't see the whole picture. Anyway, the story is about Kaiji.

It is quite an adventure to journey with him through his ordeals, which seem so much larger than life. It does make you think, about abstracts such as what is freedom? and that the very fact that one is alive, is already a gift itself. Despite being a loser in life, doesn't one even need at least some dignity to choose how he would like to live his life?

The movie also gives a bitter taste in portraying the rich elites who take joy in watching the poor people struggle for their lives or just get conned out of their freedom into slavery. It takes an even more dramatic turn when it is not just petty struggle, but a struggle for life and death. That is so powerful. AND i just can't help it but notice the possible spiritual lesson fromt this too. If you know what I mean... for example, I can see it such that Jesus has bought us freedom, but thinking that we do not deserve it, we buy into the lies of the world or maybe the devil (aka, Endo) and end up slaving our live for money, or for the hope of getting somewhere in life... ! or for "freedom"... when originally, we already have it. (ok it's not a really good analogy, maybe you gotta watch the show to understand).

Anyway, the end is just silly... after all the struggle, they could have made a more emotional impact, but everything just reverts to where it begun... maybe it was like that in the manga? but well, it's just like that show...what was it again? (i had to check this out on google again) -- yes, burn after reading. Totally just BURN after reading... no point. haaarrrhar

So well, what's more.... the super super WORST Point at the end is that I just found out that Kenichi Matsuyama was also in the show. HE WAS? I didn't even notice....!!! Did his moustache make him look different? MAN! ARGH! What a silly small role he played! Seesh!

Nevertheless... I liked the story... if only they didn't make it so laughable at the end. GEESH! Dang!

READ another review (more proper review): here

My Trials

2010-02-24T21:48:00.000+08:00

God rewards faithful obedience. It often requires patience, suffering, and perseverance. Be of good cheer; He will reward you if you faint not.

Alas... another quote (os hillman) that pokes my heart. Over the past week, I've been so tempted to give up, stop hoping, be of 'bad' cheer and feel faint.

Sigh... God always wants us to walk on water... to walk against the storm/tide.. to trust in HIM and not ourselves... it's not always easy... I feel so tired, so ready to give up.. and yet i'm drudging along, and feeling like I must do this because I promised and I don't want to let myself down...

So what next? I must perservere. Do the slides tonight, then check on the food, then check on the icebreaker, then check on the programme and then send another reminder nearing to Saturday... then prepare myself, go down early, maintain my emotional composition as I can't be all outta sorts... and go down with a cheer...

Despite my so-called cynical tone... I know that "faithful obedience" and patience produces the fruits that I so long to see. I shall really put my best foot out... dun give up yet, glory is just around the corner!

Across the world by X-Ray Dog

2010-02-21T10:46:00.000+08:00

Just in love with this tune..

Heard this from a movie trailer video found on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLu1Ol7nZTA based on the Movie "Alive!"

Birthday pics 2010! ;)

2010-02-14T20:41:00.001+08:00

My B-day pics are up! It was a really pleasant night... dinner out... with mum dad and mama Penny... I am so blessed with my family and I love them!

He Will Come and Save me!

2010-02-13T21:48:00.001+08:00

Today is a funny day.... it began bright and cheery... and I went to fetch Pau & Jac to our breakfast destination and on the way, 'something' happened. I won't state it here because the internet is after all NOT a private domain...so anyway for those who wanna know about it... I can tell you verbally when we meet.

Anyway... you know probably that I'm so called a very "godly" person... "so-called"... and do a lot of holy work in church and so forth.

But the point is I wanna tell all of you my friends that I am not. Even though I do countless work in church I am only a sinner in need of a saviour. I do this work because I realise that i am weak.

Anyway, the World VS God is really 2 different realms. For many of us we don't believe in God because we cannot see him, but if only we're open to the Holy Spirit who is alive and working each minute each day, we WILL See Him, amidst our worldly circumstances, happenings each day...

This afternoon at home when I was resting and checking my emails, I happened to remember my friend Michael's blog and curious, went to check it out. I found this post with a passage on Isaiah 35:8-10. It said this:

And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness.
The unclean will not journey on it;
it will be for those who walk in that Way;
wicked fools will not go about on it.
(Isaiah 35:8-10)

You know what? when I read it, I suddenly felt a trembling in my heart, an excitement... a sense of gravity pulling on my heart... heavy..... dunno what to call it,... a sense of GOD being present and talking to me... So I made a comment to Michael to thank him for that post and left it at that. I thought this verse is about holiness...

Then, after my family reunion CNY eve dinner... I went back to check what is "Isaiah 35" all about, as I don't know, don't read every book in the bible and there's tonnes of bible verses around sure cannot remember everything.

That is when I came to the larger picture of Isaiah 35:1-10 --- Especially to verse 4:

Say to those with fearful hearts,
"Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you."

READ HERE

And it suddenly made sense... WHY did I think of checking people's blog >>> Michael's blog of all >>> Why then did I see tat post >>>> plus then Feel strongly about Isaiah 35:8-10 >>> THEN somehow keep thinking about it and end up Reading the Isaiah verse again and end up seeing the assuring words that speak to my situation today?

In light of my belief in God..... , I don't believe God has "nothing" to say after watching everything happening today. Sure he has.

So I can firmly deduce that this is what he's saying to me today:

"Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution
he will come to save you."

To this thought, I shed some tears knowing that God is aware of everything that is happening, whether my fault or not my fault, whether this whole bible verse is imagined by my own spirit or some spirit or something... it certainly is the Holy Spirit at work man! Just gotta believe that! ;)

Nice Daily Devotional on Phil3:13-14

2010-02-10T17:37:00.002+08:00

Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3: 13-14

Today, through Christ, we can find the ability to place the past behind us and reach for a new beginning with Him. God's mercy is greater than we can many times comprehend. Once we can learn to receive it, we will find it much easier to extend it towards others. The hurts we have suffered in the past, leave emotional wounds and sometimes even scars. Yet if we are willing to make the choice to forgive others, and even possibly ourselves, forgetting those things which are already done and moving towards the new challenges God has for us, we will find the strength and the courage to press on. Forgetting is easy, when we keep our eyes focused on what lies ahead, instead of constantly reliving the past. God has new plans for our lives, they are great and perfect plans, but we will never lay hold of them, if we remain stuck in the past.

Prayer

Today is a brand new day, filled with Your mercy. Yesterday is gone; I can’t change anything about it. Enable me to move forward and embrace the new things You desire to bring into my life. Give me the strength and courage to keep pressing on, focusing my attention on You and what lies ahead. Amen.

SOURCE: http://www.wdcyouth.org/gm_home/index.aspx

Birthday dinner with my folks...

2010-02-09T16:18:00.001+08:00

Had early birthday dinner here yesterday... haha.. significant 10... and it's also 2010..

Oh well, we stuffed ourselves with lotsa dessert and can you imagine, crepe... dad just loved the banana kaya crepe.. hahaha..

I was satisfied with all the cakes as usual.. :)

Pics up soon in facebook!

Return to Innocence... Enigma

2010-02-08T16:47:00.003+08:00

In response to yesterday's post, this is me today... praise God for godly friends who will tell me to relax, let go, let God, spend more time in adoration room, so forth. I prefer this advice than something that would tell me to fight it out... because I know on the other side, the other person is hurting as well.

And so I found this song today that speaks with me... it's a bit "new agey" however aka "return to yourself" -- usually we'd say "return to God" but then again New Age pre-supposes that God is found within us. Which is true, the Holy Spirit is within us, God breathed himself into us... so we become likeness and image of Him. Well, it says Just believe in Destiny, but I'll say, Just believe in the Destiny Christ has for me... aka... believe in Christ ultimately. ;)

"Return To Innocence"

That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Love - Devotion
Feeling - Emotion
Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence
If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny
Don't care what people say
Just follow your own way
Don't give up and use the chance
To return to innocence
That's not the beginning of the end
That's the return to yourself
The return to innocence
Don't care what people say
Follow just your own way Follow just your own way
Don't give up, don't give up
To return, to return to innocence.
If you want then laugh
If you must then cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.

I feel the gravity of it all...

2010-02-07T23:09:00.004+08:00

Feel like this tonite....

Been a long road to follow
Been there and gone tomorrow
Without saying goodbye to yesterday
Are the memories I hold still valid?
Or have the tears deluded them?

Maybe this time tomorrow
The rain will cease to follow
And the mist will fade into one more today
Something somewhere out there keeps callling

Am I going home?
Will I hear someone singing solace to the silent moon?
Zero gravity what's it like?
Am I alone? Is somebody there beyond these heavy aching feet?

Still the road keeps on telling me to go on
Something is pulling me
I feel the gravity of it all

-------------------------------

My head tends to tell me to put it aside, but I cannot describe the pain of unforgiveness *or rather being unforgiven that continues to pull me down.

Jesus did not get his Revenge!

2010-02-06T00:50:00.002+08:00

This is the Nicene creed that I say every sunday at church. The line, Jesus suffered, died and was buried... jumps at me today. I just think, during that time, what did Jesus do? He suffered without uttering a word, like a lamb being led to the slaughterhouse!

We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is seen and unseen. We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father, God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, one in being with the Father. Through Him all things were made. For us men and our salvation He came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit, He was born of the Virgin Mary , and became man. For our sake He was crucified under Pontius Pilate; He suffered, died, and was buried. On the third day He rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures: He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end. We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son. With the Father and the Son, He is worshiped and glorified. He has spoken through the Prophets. We believe in one, holy, catholic, and apostolic Church. We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins. We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.

Think about it. We are usually tempted in life to repay people with an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Such is human nature. But that was in the Old Testament. When Jesus came, he revolutionised our relationship with God into a 'love' relationship. His 1st commandment - is to LOVE God and second to LOVE our neighbour. Love entails forgiveness.

Well, it "doesn't" help that I am currently watching some korean drama right now called 'Cruel Temptations' and the main gist is about revenge.. haha.

The whole juicy part of the show is that one party has suffered so much injustice, that she sets on a whole elaborate plan to pay her inflictors back all the pain she has received. And yes, I actually watch it with relish. Even my mum and aunty penny are crazily watching this drama man.

But what is the lesson learnt? I am only halfway into the story in fact, but can already guess. That revenge only begets further revenge, hatred begets hatred. It is a never-ending cycle of hurt, torment and pain inflicted on others in revenge only bounces back onto oneself.

Nevertheless, I still hope for her justice to come about one day and hope of seeing a happy-ever-after ending. I don't know. Still halfway.

And so tonight, just thought about how Jesus suffered and died on the cross.... Not a word of revenge. Instead, he said "Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing".

Does a dying person say this?

If Jesus could forgive even while he was in so much pain, the question I ask is that maybe we can also? because He'd like us to forgive?
Well, this small reflection has given me strength to labor on in love for Love is patient, love is kind.... etc

I shall have to remember this:

Phil 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

Colossians 3:12
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

OLPS Youth Leader Input 1st Session of the year!

2010-02-02T09:52:00.000+08:00

Praise God for our first leader's input last night with Fr. Fred. It's been so long and this is finally started... I also thank God that finally I've had the guts and mettle to really push for this and ask all the leaders to really commit one day more out of our busy schedules. Many times I ask for them to commit to things but the result is that people turn up in dribs and drabs, giving the event the least priority in their lives. Now, slowly, because of our "lack"... we unite more because we are able to realise that we "need" to do so,... and I believe God is working slowly but surely. Even if i may doubt God at times, I believe that he's given me a desire for this, which may be folly to the world but to me it is a gift from God.

What I learnt yesterday from Fr. Fred's inputs, plus everyone's discussions:

There is a purpose and we are not together by chance. Surely God has a purpose for us.
Together we can really change the climate and do something wonderful in OLPS in the year ahead... (and maybe some more)
If we need new passion, the only source is to come back to the Father, prayer life, a relationship with God.
Confession is important and helps us "wipe the slate clean"
It helps to journey with a priest as there is accountability and also a sense of journeying, you can start next time from where you left off instead of repeating the old stories again!
We can be like king David with strong faith in God, who can defeat Goliaths in our lives.
Though he sinned and coveted his neighbour's wife, King David always went back to God (Psalm 51) and God forgives each time.
We can pray for other people and that it helps if we "love" them first and therefore, the prayer will flow from there.
When there is lack of trust due to inner grudges or whatever reasons, a solution could be to wash each other's feet
Develop a discipline that says "Get up and Go"... if there's something we must do, we do it immediately without procrastination. This helps us from being lazy.
When people do not commit to ministry, it is because they probably do not have a strong relationship with God. We have to make a difference in their lives.

Job Requirements

2010-01-30T00:40:00.000+08:00

Hmm I just read this job description for a particular job scope and i realise that this is what I should focus on judging from the wide-scale generality of my job type.

"We are looking for a unique individual who possesses business, editorial and research skills as well as an aptitude for building online communities. This is high-profile and dynamic position with potential to grow and which will enable you to showcase your talents in the public. Ideally, you should have most, if not all, of the following experiences or aptitude:

Product management of business experience
Manage an editorial team for publications of magazines
Perform large-scale surveys and research
Manage online forums, Facebook & Twitter accounts
Work with PR agencies for announcements and press releases"

My food for thought :)

Youth Ministry Boldness

2010-01-26T20:43:00.001+08:00

Those who work in youth ministry must throw off mediocrity and be filled with a "pastoral passion" to announce the message of Christ to young people in ever-new ways, says Cardinal Stanislaw Rylko.

This statement makes me ponder. How much have I been working with a passion and boldness that will really change and touch lives, or have I settled into a happy daily drum and hum each week in and out?

Sometimes we are limited. To really change lives of others, I myself might have to change. That comes the crunch. Can we change in order to have others change? If no one changes our ways, nothing will change isn't it?

Am I ready to get down on my knees to pray, really pray for others? Am I ready to love others till my heart hurts? Am I ready to forgive every time someone badmouths me or am I ready to hang in there even though I seem to be wasting precious time and years of my life?

I don't know.

But since my heart strings keep on tugging at me, I believe this is where my heart is calling me and that it is right.

Then again, no one knows, but only "heaven knows"... a typical statement, but I read a daily devotional today that said something like this: ultimately our hearts are free when we are in Christ... because that was what we were created for. IF we find freedom elsewhere we might not be happy still.

Well, I found freedom and joy in knowing that I have found Christ. I think I just have to be bolder in living it out in my life. Therefore, all I can do now is to trust in Him and walk along with Him patiently.

Embed this video again:

New Challenges: Viola Exam?

2010-01-21T14:20:00.001+08:00

New Challenges ahead... Should I take the Viola Exam? Well, there would be 1.5 years or more to go till next September 2011! I think I wanna try for it... when I'm still interested hahaa..

Been checking it out and if i'm going to do the exam, these are the songs I wanna play....!!

I.Prelude-Bach's cello suites on viola - no. 1 in G major:

II. Bruch--Romance for Viola and Orchestra OP.85

III.From my heart by paul coletti

and in the spirit of all things music, I found this:

Interesting Discovery of Handel's Sarabande

2010-01-19T13:41:00.003+08:00

Just discovered that the beginning of Nausicaa's Requiem by Hayao Miyazaki is taken from Handel's Sarabande. Listen and compare:

2 dreams which tell me things I never knew!

2010-01-18T11:17:00.000+08:00

Today I log down 2 interesting dreams I had over the weekend!

Sat 16 Jan
- Dreamt I was on a holiday to Australia. Our tourguide took us on a out-of-control whirlwind bus-ride to our destination. When we alighted, we were at a wonderful paradise-like area with water and rock formations around (a bit like little guilin) - and we were supposed to be swimming. We swam but as I am scared of fish touching me, I sprang out of the water when i felt something touch my hand. Then i saw our tour group members, out of the water, some was sick, some dare not swim. I thought, what is this? This is our chance to swim but no one is doing so. I then saw that we looked like old tourists white haired, with hats... I went back to the water which was now dried up, and saw a huge fish, but it was flapping around for lack of water. And I was still scared of the fish, thinking, what a scary looking big fish, you mean this was in the water all along?

Meaning of the dream: - I can only say that because I was going to have a youth group meeting after this, that this dream applies to us. We are are like the old tourists, sick, scared, dare not to swim in what we feel is the unknown. The fish is the harvest since we are all "fishers of men" as Jesus would have us to be, but we are scared of the "big" fish... the water is like the living waters. After a while, it gets dried up and the fish are dying... and we are still scared to go into the water.

Lesson?
Go deep, immerse ourselves in the living waters of Christ, feed the fish in our care, become fishers of men... throw away old mentality (old men/women), stop being "sick"... get alive and get into the water and SWIM and enjoy our time here for we are only here for a short while in the course of our life (like a short tour trip) and we ought to put in our most and don't let this opportunity pass! Our goal is to swim... which to me, is to bask in God's presence, and mingle with the fish in the water... (our youths...potentials)...

=======

The second dream happened this morning. I was in a team of "detectives" and we travelled back in time to try to uncover some crime/mystery that happened in the past.. I was to dress up and befriend the suspected people, and to try to uncover how "it" happened (Note, I don't know what the whole story was about but I know it was a time-travel issue and a kinda detective-style context). As I got to befriend the suspects... it didn't really seem like a crime-mystery kind of situation anymore, instead I found myself having fun with them and we even tried to take a group photo.

I don't know what kind of dream is this because I woke up tearing?? I had a very prevalent thought/voice in my head, which said,... Live in the Present (aka present time). I can't remember much now, but in my dream, i was thinking that even in the "past", I could enjoy the "present"... aka wherever we are (even if we time-travelled back to who knows where) - we are able to enjoy the moment.

It is a dream which tells me that I should live in the present, not try to think back of past events and try to "solve" it (which explains the detective) - and make new friends in my current "present" situation.

The tearing is some kind of healing process - which can be explained by inner past hurts being healed by the message "to enjoy being in the present-time.. the NOW". ;) LIVE IN THE NOW!

I am learning...

2010-01-17T10:34:00.000+08:00

This is the year of 2010.... 10 years into youth ministry... I can't say i am perfect, but i am still learning.

Although the path is tough, where people don't agree with me, and end up not supporting me but becoming my enemy... I have to endure.

Although I seek salvation, forgiveness.. or reconciliation, there is none.

I can only pluck up my courage and walk on.

There are always 2 sides of a coin. Both can be correct. None might be wrong.

Why can't there be forgiveness and love and peace?

My heart had been broken. But I believe I also broke other hearts. Why? When I only meant good intentions.

The devil is sly.

I can only trust in God to bring about peace.

Athair Ar Neamh - "Our Father in Heaven"

2010-01-14T23:12:00.002+08:00

Was listening to some songs on youtube tonight and came across this song by Enya, and interestingly, I decided to just "meditate" for a while for this song... aka i was feeling sleepy... so i decided to just relax, close my eyes, let go of the day, breathe in and breath out... and just listen to the music and "let the music heal your soul" aka... you know.. like the song.

Well, coincidently or what, I found out later that this song has a very meaningful translation which goes as this. Haha... praise God that I was actually meditating to a song of worship... not some weird lyrics. haahaha..

Athair Ar Neamh - aka, "Heavenly Father"
------------------------------------------------
Athair ar Neamh, Dia linn Heavenly Father, God is with us
Athair ar Neamh, Dia liom Heavenly Father, God is with me
m'anam, mo chroí, mo ghlóir, my soul, my heart, my glory,
moladh duit, a Dhia. a praise to you, God.

Fada an lá, go sámh, A long and peaceful day
Fada an oích', gan ghruaim, A long night without gloom
aoibhneas, áthas, grá beauty, joy, love,
moladh duit, a Dhia. a praise to you, God.

Móraim thú ó lá go lá. I glorify you day by day.
Móraim thú ó oích' go hóich'. I glorify you night after night.

Athair ar Neamh, Dia linn Heavenly Father, God is with us
Athair ar Neamh, Dia liom Heavenly Father, God is with me
an ghealach, an ghrian, an ghaoth, the moon, the sun, the wind,
moladh duit, a Dhia. a praise to you, God.

Listen:

Athair ar Neamh is gaelic for “Our Father in Heaven” or Heavenly Father. It takes it’s cue from the first line of the Lord’s Prayer in gaelic “Ar n’Athair ata ar Neamh” - Our Father who art in Heaven and the songs lyrics are a setting of key passages from The Lord’s Prayer in Gaelic and English set to Enya’s typical musical treatement which is itself highly influenced by Gregorian Chant.

Enya’s (Eithne Ni Bhranoin) family are the Brennan family from the Gweedore Gaelteacht (Irish speaking area) of Co. Donegal in north-west Ireland and her other siblings are the members of the Irish Folk Group, Clannad. It is an area which clung to its culture and religion during English rule and where because of the anti-catholic Penal laws religious observance was often in family groups or in each other’s houses.

This song reflects that devotional tradition of rural Ireland. The gaelic word for Heaven “Neamh” also appears in other languages as in “Ben Nevis” - the heavenly mountain or “Sierra Nevada” in Spain or the state of “Nevada” in the USA.

Hello 2010! My new year resolutions

2010-01-01T09:58:00.009+08:00

This year, I greet the new year with trepidation. I fear many things. I don't want it to be the same like the previous 3 years. I want new things to happen. I fear myself getting into a blatant routine of week after week, and time passes away. I want to see results, yet I dread the work and efforts needed to be put in.

Therefore, this year, I make my resolutions without any assurance on my part. For the flesh is weak. But i trust God. “Commit your way to the Lord; trust also in Him, and He will bring it to pass.”-Ps. 37:5 (KJV)

I believe during my recollection when my ministry members prayed for me, that when I saw a little image of a crown... I believe God is trying to tell me this:

1 Corinthians 9:19-25
19Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. 20To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. 22To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. 23I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

24Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

25Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. 27No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

So this is my new year 2010 resolutions:

My spiritual resolution:
1) Remember 1 Corinthian 9:24-25 - I run in a way to get the crown that will last forever

My other resolutions:
2) Make the trip to Japan that I've been wishin and talking about for years!
3) Go on to Pre Advance course for Japanese language and try to speak more!
4) Do Art again - Make time to go for it!
5) Save $$$ more
6) Play some sport at least more regularly - let's try it back at a mere once a month! (wahaha, come on, it was like ZERO for the last 5 months!)
7) Explore the parks and un-visited places in Singapore! like Labrador Park... west coast, kranji, ALL the north estates (believe it or not, I have never been up north in like the last 5 years!?)
8) Get more gadget savvy - like finally own an ipod? and get a phone with wireless connection
9) Every alternate Sunday, get my folks out to do something together as a family, whether it is a park, or shopping, or movie or just dinner together.
10) Do not give up in Youth Ministry until I am ready to pass it over to a new set of leaders
11) Try at least 1 new foodie joint each month. I can start with that swedish place at Haji lane (flka??), one ntu mate (wonder if he remembers me)'s joint called hatched... and so forth!
12) To finally stop all treatments at the stupid facial place that is leeching money off me.

Actually most of them are nothing new, very similar to 2009... so I may also like to hope for new surprises as well in the coming year! ho ho ho!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!

Jeremiah 33:3 (New International Version)
'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'

Reflection for 2009: "The Final Battle"

2010-01-01T09:41:00.004+08:00

My reflection for 2009:
Keep my eyes on the goal. The finishing line.

I take it from here:
Daily Devotional by Os Hillman "THe Final Battle"

We are all moving toward a day in which we will be judged: "The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books" (Rev 20:12-13). Ultimately, we will all reign with Christ in a new heaven and earth (Rev 21). How you live your life now will determine your role in the new heaven and earth.

Your life on earth is a mere blink on the scale of time. Whatever hardships you've faced on earth will pale in comparison to the glory that is to be revealed when the marriage of the Bride of Christ takes place on that final day.

Be faithful. Stand firm. And see the glory of the Lord. Amen.

Well, the daily devotional by Os Hillman above reminded me of a song i liked and posted in my blog before some time ago! Well, here it is again, this time another version (Josh Bates):

Fields of Gold

2009-12-28T22:06:00.005+08:00

I heard this song today. It got me thinking of the phrase "fields of Gold" and got me feeling a bit poetic. In the bible there's lots of references to the fields, the harvest fields.

I have always had an impression of fields of Gold - a big 'yellow' field... blue sky... bit like this:

IT reminds me of heaven.. walking in fields of Gold... that impression just gives me hope.

It reminds me of earth - the fields that are un-harvested and ready to be harvested. Like the work we do in ministry. It is a field of Gold. It is not barren.

I like this imagery. I pray it will become fulfilled.

Emi Fujita version (more like the one i heard):

Original by Sting:

Youth Ministry - Tough Calling?

2009-12-28T21:22:00.004+08:00

This is wonderful, a Youth Israel Trip:
http://thezone.newcreation.org.sg/dare/weblog/dare-level-4-israel-trip-update/

I wish our youths will experience this one day. I am torn in my grief for them.

I hope this grief is worth every bit of it.

And I recognise the call, the challenge. God at work. That gives me hope.

I immerse myself in Thomas Fischer's articles. Something that teaches me, once again, how to behave, how to see things God's way.

http://www.ministryhealth.net/mh_articles/004_gods_calling_two_fold_blessing.html

He writes, "The two-fold calling of God--being called to something greater than ourselves and having the promise of God's powerful, awesome presence in fulfilling His calling--gives us courage. It's the only courage available which ultimately will be able to pay the price to grant peace in our ministries."

I'm thinking, if it is what will bring peace to youths, then I shall do it. I shall be daring.

"Others may be between a rock and a hard place. But God's chosen ones are always between THE Rock and a hard place." From Joyce Meyer, The Roots of Rejection, p. 19

Treasure of Jesus!

2009-12-24T20:49:00.005+08:00

Today, I go for my christmas holiday break - till Sunday!

A normal weekend, but it is a precious 3 days, having outings with GOD (first, at midnight mass at church soon)... then lunch with Family, Then my CSA Alumni friends, then my Youth Group friends at YAM, and then watching the christmas concert by our church choir this Sunday. I realised something, that it is this priority that forms the foundation of my life. GOD > FAMILY > FRIENDS > etc.

I am so tired. But i have to persevere. GOd is teaching me things, through this tired time, through my weakness, I am strong. Through my human limitations, I realise that I can only do but pray for God to come and make peace on earth.

Maybe the bible is something then that we can all rely on:

Matthew 18:15-17 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

James 1:2-4 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Matthew 5:24
Leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

Matthew 5:9
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.

This is a wonderful song that touched and encouraged me today. i like melancholic tunes.

What can I do
How can I live
To show my world
The treasure of Jesus

What will it take
What could I give
So they can know
The treasure He is

If I can sing
Let my songs be full of His Glory
If I can speak
Let my words be full of His Grace
If I should live or die
Let me be found pursuing this prize
The One that alone satisfies
The Treasure of Jesus

And if I can sing
Let my songs be full of His Glory
If I can speak
Let all my words be full of His Grace
And if I should live or die
Let me be found pursuing this prize
The One that alone satisfies
The Treasure of Jesus

ANd yet another song (first time hearing this on youtube): "Rescue" by Desperation Band

Jesus Be the Centre..

2009-12-18T00:01:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, statements can really hurt. It's like a knife piercing into one's heart. You can't really cry out, coz you don't want to be seen as defensive.... I try to do my best in the youth ministry in my church. Might not be the best person for the job. But i still do what I'm called to do, rather than run away.

Of course, there are no rewards. OR are there?

I shall stick fast to that little vision when Gerard came to pray for us at YAM's recollection last Sunday. I saw a little crown. What does it mean? IT means, to run the race and persevere... for we have the crown of eternal life. Eternity is in my heart.

God... I pray for perseverance and hope...

=====
2mins later,.... I decide to have an 'early' night, so i pray for a nice song before I sleep tonight. And I click shuffle and play for my windows media player, and guess what, this quiet, lovely song using guitar & flute (which i never knew i had... came out). Nice nice... really consoling. Thank you Jesus!

Be the Centre
Michael Frye

Jesus, be the centre
Be my source, be my light
Jesus

Jesus, be the centre
Be my hope, be my song
Jesus

VERSE:
Be the fire in my heart
Be the wind in these sails
Be the reason that I live
Jesus, Jesus

Jesus, be my vision
Be my path, be my guide
Jesus

This version is Ingrid Dumosch & the London Fox singers:

My Favourite Book: Ecclesiastes.

2009-12-16T15:53:00.000+08:00

Before you read on, let the music play:

Today I'd like to share my favourite book in the bible (or one of them) - Eccleciastes. It is amusing. It says things like (Eccl 1:2)"Meaningless! Meaningless!... Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless."

From the start of Ecclesiastes, it seems like the writings of a pessimist. But as you read on, you'll realise that this is as realistic as can be. In fact, it tells you that no matter how much we enjoy or toil in life, the fate of both the FOOL and the WISE is still the same. We all die at the end! Funny isn't it?

(Eccl 2:15) Then I thought in my heart, "The fate of the fool will overtake me also. What then do I gain by being wise?" I said in my heart, "This too is meaningless."

Bear in mind that this is written by King Solomon, one of a great biblical historical figure!!

But while he talks about life being meaningless, he also makes a point on "Eternity". He says God has set Eternity in the Hearts of Men, yet we cannot fathom what God has done.

For the lazy people this might also be an excuse to jeer at those who work hard, saying "what does the worker gain from his toil?". But that is not what Solomon means. He is saying, why focus on things of the earth, things that will not last? Instead, we should focus on Eternity.

For those depressed, it also sounds like adding fuel to the fire. They may find even less purpose in living life, after reading this passage. Or so it seems.

And not to even mention, it ALSO sounds like a person who is rich and has achieved everything but lamenting about how it is all meaningless. So we can then excuse ourselves from continual advancement, and just say, what's the use?

But in reading all these, we have to bear in mind, that this is not a "defeated" Solomon saying that there is no purpose in success, rather it is a "enlightened" Solomon saying that after all our successes in the world, that is only a gift from God for our enjoyment.

He says, (Eccl 5:18-20) "It is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labor under the sun during the few days of life God has given him—for this is his lot. Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work—this is a gift of God. He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart."

So in retrospect, whether we are a FOOL or a WISE man, we are no better than the other.

I like that.

In our world today which values advancement, achievement, success, I find Ecclesiastes a powerful reminder to those who put their trust in wealth and riches, that its is not "eternal".

When I am feeling like a fool and lousy and down, I also find Ecclesiastes a powerful "crutch" that helps me to walk, and to know that at the end of the day, we all meet the same fate. (yah, sadistic).

So, what this book means is that we should all stand in awe of God and obey Him. The pursuit of riches is meaningless, but any riches we have are a gift. All our toil is for our enjoyment and God gives this to us as a gift. He is ultimately in control and so if we do not recognise that, then it is all meaningless. All our toil and trouble, is indeed like chasing after the wind.

Ecclesiastes 3:9-14
What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil — this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

I want nothing, everything, something..

2009-12-12T03:04:00.002+08:00

What's been going on? many things. But this post is something about me. I look calm on the outside, but on the inside.. it's a walking contradiction. There's dialogues going on all the time, and sometimes, the good side wins, sometimes the bad side wins.

It's like balancing on a tightrope. I lean to the right, then as soon as I'm going to lose balance, i bounce to the left. And it goes on.

Spiritual warfare is like that isn't it? I bounce from thinking I am like nothing, to thinking that I am really something indeed. From being proud of myself, to being totally displeased.

Recently, I had discounted myself again. Thinking myself less than what I should be thinking. And i realise, that am I content just to fade into the background? Not to be noticed? Not to be too ambitious, not to be too happy, not to be too... .. it could go on.

As the recent Christ @ Work conference showed me, it is all stemming from FEAR.

And many times, we forget about the existence of GOD altogether. I forget it many times. I forget that i shouldn't fear the world, but rather, Fear the Lord. I should not live in the shadows but be the light. I should not be displeased with myself, but let the Lord work in me to become the person he created me to be.

All these positive versus the negative thoughts are really like warfare within my head. And it is only with a short prayer that I find I can beat the negative thoughts.

THat is the power of internal dialogue, positive talk/thinking, or whatever you call it. For me, I just call it - prayer. Coz i'm talking to GOD.

IF one doesn't believe in God, sometimes, we think we are just talking to ourselves. But GOD (i'm a believer of course), is always a silent listener, occassionally popping out to make his presence "felt". He is gentle and kind... like a lamb.

It reminds me, THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD > There is Nothing I shall Want.

IT shouldn't be I want nothing (good); I want everything the world has; I want something from God at time to time.

It should be I want nothing (Bad /the world has); I want everything (that God has planned for me to do); I want something (GOD alone).

You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see" (Rev 3:14-18).

Running Prankster Dream

2009-12-03T14:37:00.002+08:00

The day before I dreamt I was feeding a puppy.. and playing with it..

What dreammoods.com says: To see a puppy in your dream, symbolizes your playfulness and carefree nature. It also represents a blossoming friendship or that your friendships will grow stronger.

Meanwhile, yesterday, I had a funny dream that I remember quite well. No meaning to it just jotting it down for fun sake. Setting: secondary age, school, reminder of my old sec school.

I was going to my school and was looking for my level say like sec 2 or 3.. but i happened to walk to the wrong place where there was no classes (all rooms dark) and the only class going on was an older "sec 4" class. I was wondering where to go and at that moment the teacher happened to walk past.

I recall rumours from elsewhere that this school section was "cursed"/"ghostly" so out of jest, I pretended to be a ghost and stared at the teacher. She got a shock and screamed. But after noticing that i'm just playing a prank, she yells and tries to chase me.

I run down the stairs to a lower level but it seems now this is like a primary school class (all TOO young!) so i continue running through the classes (the students are playing, it's apparently, break time).

I cut through a class and I see the teacher coming down the staircase, she does not see me. So i quickly turn back and hide myself in a little shop (weird) that was selling magic & prank trick items... it's quite crowded and a lot of students are there so I just hide at the corner till the teacher is gone.

Then suddenly in my hand there's some kind of ping-pong ball with korean words on it... and somehow (i forgot how) it was linked to the story. Anyway, cut the chase to the end... I am "laying bricks"... and it's like the end of my school life.. (i had graduated somehow)... it's very surreal... there's more to the story but i totally forgot now!

This is what dreammoods say:

To dream that you are looking for a school, suggests that you need to expand your knowledge and learning.
To see your teacher (past or present) in your dream, suggests that you are seeking some advice, guidance, or knowledge.
To play tricks on someone in your dream, indicates that you are not being honest with yourself. You are trying to divert attention elsewhere, other than yourself.
To dream that you are running away from someone, indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions.
To dream that you are a student, indicates that there is something you need better understanding of. Or there is some learning you need to do in order to get ahead in life.
To see a brick in your dream, represents your individual ideas and thoughts. Experience and/or heartbreak may have hardened you.

haha... for your interpretation... :)

When we are weak, we are strong

2009-12-03T00:39:00.001+08:00

We are weak. We desire more more more always. Being better, being first, being successful. I just had that experience. I went for a little so-called chat with some recruitment firm's client... (will not name names to maintain privacy). But through the experience, I realised a few things. That I was not confident. That I was not cut out for the job. That I was not adequately experienced nor skilled for the job. What would one do in these situations? Of course, feel a bit lousy.

But upon reflecting upon it today, I realise that there is a christian way to react to this.

Firstly, it would be ok to feel low, because we are human after all and we all have high & low feelings. But it doesn't mean that if we feel low, that God is not with us. The point is God is always there.

The second thing, is that to even Realise that God is there, is an act of His "Grace" touching us, his Love touching us. ARE we open enough to realise it or do we bury ourselves in Hurt-feelings such as "why did God make me the way i am" or regretful thoughts such as "why didn't I study this or that so that I could be better skilled in that area?"

Thirdly, I actually wondered, if all my time at church was a so-called "cover-up" for all these worldly weaknesses. I wondered if what some people told me before is right. They said that could it be that I serve in church because it makes me feel good, and makes me feel ok, and in doing so, benchmark myself against "church people" who are sometimes, very simple and not-ambitious (sorry guys, I actually did get this discussion before).... I wondered if in actual fact, I was not using my time & energy to improve my skills and do "better" in life in general. BUT..... Thinking this way is actually directly contradicting what Jesus said, coz he said in Mark Chapter 10, that those who are first will be last and those who are last will be first.

We are made for a purpose, to worship God and to Love Him and spread the Good News. God also uses the weak to shame the strong. There HAS to be a purpose why we are weak in some areas and strong in some areas. Not everyone is strong in ALL areas. SO it makes no sense to harp on our weaknesses, but to embrace it lovingly as God's creation, our unique self, is to Love ourselves and Love God's creation in us.

And so Lastly, I found myself asking "What is the purpose of life"? Citing "in jest" my favourite passage of Ecclessiastes Ch. 1, "everything is meaningless".... (read an ecclesiastes reflection here)... In this context, if I push myself harder (if i were to learn so much skills and actually clinch a top-flying job of ideal choice) - would that satisfy me? NO. IF I were to relax and chill and pass life with no worries and so forth, would that satisfy me? NO. So how can I live life without being satisfied?

To this, I had just only one answer which is that of St. Augustine's words: "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you."

So I promptly went online and found the writings below, and I am so inspired. Praise God for this Grace and experience. We learn each day upon reflecting upon Him indeed!

Read more of St. Augustine's writing at this short article (click here)

Excerpt:
Who will grant it to me to find peace in you? Who will grant me this grace, that you should come into my heart and inebriate it, enabling me to forget the evils that beset me and embrace you, my only good? What are you to me? Have mercy on me, so that I may tell. What indeed am I to you, that you should command me to love you, and grow angry with me if I do not, and threaten me with enormous woes? Is not the failure to love you woe enough in itself?

Finally, I end my reflection with a last scripture passage below, which coincidently (or rather the Holy Spirit must have been speaking to my deaf ears) I had remembered this in my thoughts casually sometime recently but forgot about it till now...

MARK 10: 18 - 31
As he was setting out on a journey, a man ran up, knelt down before him, and asked him, "Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" Jesus answered him, "Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone. You know the commandments: 'You shall not kill; you shall not commit adultery; you shall not steal; you shall not bear false witness; you shall not defraud; honor your father and your mother.'" He replied and said to him, "Teacher, all of these I have observed from my youth."

Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said to him, "You are lacking in one thing. Go, sell what you have, and give to (the) poor and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me."

At that statement his face fell, and he went away sad, for he had many possessions. Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, "How hard it is for those who have wealth to enter the kingdom of God!" The disciples were amazed at his words. So Jesus again said to them in reply, "Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to pass through (the) eye of (a) needle than for one who is rich to enter the kingdom of God." They were exceedingly astonished and said among themselves, "Then who can be saved?" Jesus looked at them and said, "For human beings it is impossible, but not for God. All things are possible for God." Peter began to say to him, "We have given up everything and followed you."

Jesus said, "Amen, I say to you, there is no one who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands for my sake and for the sake of the gospel who will not receive a hundred times more now in this present age: houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and eternal life in the age to come. But many that are first will be last, and (the) last will be first."

Big Ang Pows and another Busy week ahead

2009-11-30T00:11:00.004+08:00

I am soo tired this weekend.... so so tired... i didn't even feel the long weekend. It must be the wedding gig that we did on Saturday. After the youth fellowship day (monthly now), i rushed over to the Ritz Carlton for the sound-check, and forgot file so went home to get it again. Despite the rush over the whole Fri (Rehearsal) & Sat (performance), the night was rewarding... the couple (L & D) was ever so graceful and polite, even gave us an ang-pow on top of the payment we would get. SO amazingly generous. They are a christian family, and it makes so much testimony to being a christian, by these actions. I was touched by their generosity and graciousness. No pettiness. And what a big ang-pow, that could be split by the 4 musicians - and that amount could top up my Petrol tank and last for 2 weeks! (say, around $75 per person!). That's a $75 dollar tip! I am Still SO amazed.

Anyway, will need a breather within the coming week but not sure if I can find any... my Jap test is on 6th DEC and have not touched a single of my notes.

Not only that, this Saturday I will be attending the Christ@ Work conference (not to mention there is actually my church's Family Carnival on the same 5th DEC Saturday), and Youth Canteen duty prep on Sat night, and on Sun morning there is the Canteen Duty and the JLPT test at 10am! Everything is clashing... Plus events over 12 & 13, 19 & 20 Dec.. there is really no break.

This Christmas, all I want is a quiet one, to do nothing absolutely nothing. I won't even arrange for social gatherings out... i wanna be at home... and I will play some christmas songs like Silent Night... and ask God to give me a break... ahahaaaa..

Busy week!

2009-11-27T01:34:00.003+08:00

Oh gosh... what a busy week... and messy one.. yet filled with both joy, sadness, and reflections.

Things that I had to do/happened this week...

- youth comm mtg
- taking cab to orchard 3 nights this week, that's like $15 each time at least..
- arrange for printing of youth min posters to put up by weekend
- arrange for revision of one of the posters for youth ministry project
- zapping/getting songs for PY for Friday rehearsal
- going out with CSA Alumni friends for dinner!
- dad's car kena knocked slightly at the back bumper when he jam-braked. But thank God it's not that bad and other party is so nice too. Wake up call Dad said.
- missing someone at work.. i hope she is ok.
- unmet deadlines at work.. giving me a headache.
- forgot to call aunty Jackie to see if she can cook for youth canteen run.
- arrange to get Cello from KY tmrw (drive up to Jurong to collect fr him!!)
- arranging tennis on 7th Dec
- arranging practice for Abi's wedding this Sunday..
- arranging for food this Sat youth meet... my mama penny is helping me prepare spaghetti..
- checking whether songs for christmas carolling is ok or not?
- arranging canteen duty instructions to brief others..
SIGH...

So many things on my mind..

Well, the things that I really liked this week so far:
- The lil car accident - wake up call - the feeling of thankfulness
- Jap lesson. We learnt honorific / humble form. SOOO CHEEM
- Meeting up with CSA Friends

The things i really disliked this week:
- That I don't know to ask for help for the myriad of things i have to do. Is it only me that can do it? Is this my weakness (doing everything myself)? or is it just no one's fault and just a time where i have to work harder for the sake of everyone?
- That I have the key to the Cage (then again, just whining once again).

There, all out. I'm cool again. Just needed to WHINE!

SID...

2009-11-26T00:19:00.004+08:00

Just some crazy rants...

Man... i just got into listening to SID ("Shi-do")... and kinda like their songs! hahaaa.... for the lack of anyone with similar tastes to rant to,.. I shall just blog about it... ;)

Chillout @ Love the World Bistro & Bar

2009-11-26T00:15:00.001+08:00

This is a belated blog for last thurs 19th, where I heard a talk by Fr. Timothy Radcliffe, in a Q&A session with young adults organised by the CAYC. It was really nice. I learnt a few things or was reminded of these...

- That Freedom is really Freedom to love spontaneously, rather than the freedom to do what I want and stay away from other people (that is not freedom). Sometimes, we rather do our own thing than be with others, but sometimes, being with people is our gift to them...

- That God is Love. Anyone who loves, has a part in God.

- That our bodies and what we do with it is a gift to our parents, who gave us this body we have. We don't feel anything at all, but to our parents, who saw us from babies, everything we are, is everything to them. If we do not treasure our bodies, we hurt our parents indirectly.

- That "Progress" is a word that is common to society today and a very good principle to have, but we have to remember that we aren't commanded in the Gospel, to "make progress". The whole point is whether we are living our faith fully, rather than "making progress" in terms of events, programmes and numbers of members. So we don't have to focus on "progress".

- That the whole point about being christian is to have that inner Joy. The freedom to love.

- That when gossip happens, we, as christians, should try to offer a good word for the person, and don't pass on the gossip.

Just wanted to jot it down somewhere before i forget it totally!

Hataraki Man!

2009-11-21T11:34:00.005+08:00

hhaa... recently watched this j-dorama called Hataraki Man! Oh gosh i think it's so relevant for me at least... it's about a 28 yr-old woman who finds joy and fulfillment in her work. She, matsukata-san, is an editor of a weekly magazine called "Jidai" that requires her to get feature news every week. She is nicknamed "hataraki-man" in office because once she enters her "hataraki-man" mode, she is able to work 3 times faster and pull all-nighters, etc.

View drama details at: http://wiki.d-addicts.com/Hataraki_Man
Review at: http://vissione.wordpress.com/2007/10/07/review-hataraki-man-tv/

Watching through till around episode 8 now.. i just have one thought - I definitely can relate to her!

;)

Praying in tongues

2009-11-15T23:49:00.001+08:00

Haven't prayed in tongues for a long time but recently at our intercessory session at YAM, we prayed in tongues and did ministering for each other's needs. It was amazing. The next day today, I feel so "high"... rather, spiritually uplifted. I feel like God is near, I KNOW that God is near... and i feel His waves of mercy wash over me and cleanse me, and it is just amazing.

I am brought to humility before GOd and i am refreshed in my work in the church and i can 'attack' again with renewed vigour. It is just amazing what the power of pRayer can do. And it is so nice to hear younger members like Kenneth asking about it, wanting to learn. I am so touched. Praise the Lord.

We need faith, to believe in God and the power of Prayer. Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Amen.

Gav & Jane are married!!!

2009-11-08T01:32:00.001+08:00

Finally first wedding over! Gavin & JaNe had a wonderful wedding today and I am privileged to be helping out. Indeed, it is a joy to give, and though sometimes you sacrifice something, like time, money or energy, you feel the joy of the giving a reward in itself.

Anyway, I'm really glad for them. It is just a mystery to me how 2 people can come together and really love each other so deeply to want to spend an entire life together. Looking at Gav and Jane and the wonderful times they have shared together, just gives anyone inspiration to go out and begin to Love. I think they have a gift from God which is to love each other and to be an example for us, especially our community where no one is married yet! ho ho ho!

Talking about weddings I have an amazing 6 to attend this season. Suddenly the wedding fever attacks me too,... I've always been hearing friends having lots of weddings to attend and now I'm also one of them. Speaks of the age... sigh...

Ok let's seee, Gav+Jane done... next coming up would be Paula & Avrian, then Oka & Maya, then my Jazzicalbelles Lobang where we'll be playing at RITZ!!!! OOOHh.... AND Then ABi & Joseph, and then Michael & HyeonJu. oH gosh... it is truly crazy!!!

Anyway, as for updates for me,... not much really. Doing work is the same week in and week out... there are new projects, new events, etc every other week, but i think my larger question that pertains to me and my life in general is this - can I do this in the long-term and what do I really want in my life?

For this question, I really can't answer. So this contributes to a general feeling of being lost once again, if I were to be perfectly honest with myself.

IF i were to be technically correct, I should say life is perfect. GOod job, doing lotsa churchy stuff, very good, and all things good. If I were to be ambitious, I'd say, i'm going no where. If I were to be simple, I'd say, i'm happy and that's all that matters. IF i were to be negative, i'd say, life sux, i hate working.

So how should one behave? I have realised it is all about perspective. Whatever the situation, we develop an opinion, a perspective on it. IF we have Godly perspective, we will see things in a different light. Without God, we walk our own ways and truly depend on our own thinking, maybe self-help books or learning from influential people around us and thinking we are really on the right track. BUt what if we adopted God's perspective? What we thought was right could be wrong. and what was wrong could be right. So there is truly no absolute. I'm arguing FOR God here. So someone could jolly well also say, that God's perpective could be just a bunch of nonsense and what was right there, is actually wrong.

Well, not going to debate here coz i'm a lousy debator. I will adopt a positive perspective and godly perspective, which is to think of all things that are good, pure, and positive (aka PHilippians 4:8) = Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things.

And I will also adopt a GOd-perspective =="For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call upon and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart (Jeremiah 29:11-13, NIV).

THanks Gav and Sury for reminding me of this verse...

Depressing Thoughts

2009-10-27T00:29:00.002+08:00

It is depressing when we get thoughts about how one's work has not been good enough, compared to all those excellent stuff out there.

Let's face it - i don't think i'm cut out for competition. It sux. Trying to outdo the other... i complete sux at it.

In the working world, that's where I fail to. To be No.1, one must have a competitive spirit. And i believe I have none.

I just want - peace and harmony - like my disc test shows.

Truly, it is a very very very difficult thing. What am I cut out to do and where can I work best? I really question myself.

I wanna try doing art once again.. it's like a place where no one can touch you... on one can say it is ugly, because in art, to each his own. My art is my art. No one can say it isn't art.... it is defined by the artist. Or perhaps, the wannabe.

I don't want to do things where there are standards to meet... maybe it's a fear of failure... not meeting the standard..

And i do believe that that fear is ingrained in so many of us in our academic-based society of singapore...

It's seriously crippling... i can't feel free... i can't feel happy because i'm always falling short of 'a standard'.

And that's where, i believe my ultimate dream in life will have to lead me to. A place where i can continue to strive, be useful, rather than have to produce results because I found that when I am required to produce results, I balk.

In other words, all the above, is my self-given stress..

sigh...

If i were to just stop thinking, then of course, all is good.. .everything is nice and happy,.... u know what i mean ;) hehe.

Cheers!

Reminder to walk in faith!

2009-10-26T16:48:00.000+08:00

I walk by faith
Each step by faith
To live by faith
I put my trust in You
I wallk by faith
Each step by faith
To live by faith
I put my trust in You

Every step I take
Is a step of faith
No weapon formed against me shall prosper
And every prayer I make
Is a prayer of faith
And if my God is for me
Who can be against me