I was trying to remember something 5 years ago and realised I had everything documented so well in this blog. Yet with the onset of Facebook, everything is gone and reduced to visuals, images, video links, shared in Facebook, that virtually disappears down the timeline with each new post or share.
Just want to type this thought out before I forget it. I'm not going to phrase it well, so if this sounds like rambling or bad English, just ignore it and try to understand the context / reflection hehe! ;)
The love God has for us is so pure. Like white light.... and in the world that we know, who can understand such love? Therefore we shun him and put God on waiting mode. We reserve His love for the time when we die... our time is now on earth and we only need God when it's time to die. But truthfully - we need God now and every moment of our waking life, in order to live Life to the fullest...some people don't need God now, but there will be a point where they find that they do. For me, my weakness is ever constantly beside me, such that I find that I need God every moment of my life... and yet I shun the light... it's too bright. Can anyone explain this? It's a struggle between accepting the love that He has for us. Does this mean I don't love myself enough to allow God to love me fully - weaknesses and all?
“It’s probably not just by chance that I’m alone. It would be very hard for a man to live with me, unless he’s terribly strong. And if he’s stronger than I, I’m the one who can’t live with him. … I’m neither smart nor stupid, but I don’t think I’m a run-of-the-mill person. I’ve been in business without being a businesswoman, I’ve loved without being a woman made only for love. The two men I’ve loved, I think, will remember me, on earth or in heaven, because men always remember a woman who caused them concern and uneasiness. I’ve done my best, in regard to people and to life, without precepts, but with a taste for justice.”
― Coco Chanel
So long... since July... It's been 4 months since I last blogged... considerably a long long break since I have had fairly consistent blogging over many years!
Why? I dont' know. Maybe it's because I was busy, and my free time wasn't spent reflecting about things. As you can see my blog is mainly to reflect about life, god and share fun things in my life, or rant and ruminate.
Maybe it's because of Facebook... because you start sharing everything there that there's no need for blogging already.
But it's also not the best place to "share" everything... so I"m returning to blog!
It's December and I look forward to a trip to Hokkaido at the end of the month.
Just finished playing at the 4th Dec Braddell Heights concert... so fun... I really really love it! Also was so encouraged by mum dad, ju & chester's presence, and friends' support (though not all actually came lah).
Well, despite these good things ahead, I find my spiritual and ministry life extremely dry. Maybe there's a lot of blockage because I am angry with a few things and disagree with a few people on the way ministry ought to be run. I also can see myself being so disagreeable... and I also dislike myself being like that, but what can I do? I simply think differently. And when people don't understand or see my point, they diss my point, making me feel like I don't matter. Ok I make myself offended for nothing... but I just feel -- upset. I just don't like how things are at the moment so it's like a negative poison building up within me. I never thought this would happen to me. But what Can I do? I know pray... pray pray... but I also tend not to want to pray! It's a struggle indeed.
Aside, I still hope that the Lord will be merciful... I do know this is just a willfull and unspiritual phase of life for me - but I also worry that I will let myself "die" spiritually... and so I just hope that God will redeem me and deliver me from all these struggles, if I can so wait and see that day.
1 Corinthians 16:13-14 is an encouraging verse that helps give me insight again to life. Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.
Today has been a horrid day - fighting some germs inside me I think, was wheezy, cold, hot, dehydrated, headache... and at the end of the day everything feels like crumbling. Like getting nostalgic, emo, thinking of idealistic life and what I could/should/wish to be.. and everything but being sane and happy and settled.
SO this verse helps me a lot. Instead of complaining, being a emotional wreck it stabilises me. Indeed, without God, what would we become?
At mass today, Fr. Greg mentioned a quote of Fr. Gino who spoke at the OLPS 50th triduum talks. The point, was that Parents give their children everything, but God.
I think - this is true. Therefore, I began my search for God, having tasted His reality and his awesome presence when I was aged of 17 at the YISS camp. Since then till now, it's been 12 years. What has this led me to?
Pretty much, nothing different. But perhaps, it's that inner conversion.
Now, I continue to search for true purpose and meaning in life, and find so many contradictions in my own perceptions and also the lure of the world is continuously getting louder and more distinctly different from God's ways.
It's a irony, and a real challenge - living spiritually in an unspiritual world. Where is true love, true Godly presence?
I think I am still hungry. Still hungry to be in the presence of true worshippers who worship the Lord.
Years at youth ministry in OLPS - and we're coming back to Square one, questioning our purpose and I feel that for the last 5 years, what have I done at all? Feel super lousy and super unnecessary. If it doesn't work, then why do we still bang our heads against the wall? And yet, it's like an addiction - you can't get away from the 'good' work. Now I question if this work is 'good' at all.
But despite these strong feelings, it's really part of the journey. Knowing God, I know this is not just the end - we're just in the midway through the journey.
What a journey... God...
I shall just take things easy - and do everything with love.. it's always the small things, as Mother Teresa would have it.
Started reading this book about dreams & healing. Cool, very exciting. So it made me want to recall my dreams even more - I already like to remember my dreams so this book is just even more exciting now that there's a real purpose to doing so. It is able to help us understand our unconscious, and thus get to know our own thoughts and behaviour even better. Author is Episcopal priest, John A. Sanford.
So here goes, my dream of today... 12 May 2011...
In my dream, towards end, I saw a group of people climbing up a vertical slope (almost 90-degree) and I was commenting to an ex-colleague something like, wow, remember that which was previously so difficult to do?
Then in a next scene, I myself was climbing up. Long ago I remember doing a wall climb at the OBS camp and I did not reach the top. So this round, I was climbing, i remembered that I did not complete it before. So i climbed with caution. Amazingly my body felt light and it was easy to hold onto the rock bits that stuck out here and there for me to step on. With no trouble I reached the top and pulled myself over to the top.
Amazed, I was then thinking of the color yellow - as with Nikon brand - and commented to the same ex-colleague a "bright" idea that I had... During this time, we were kinda in a public bus and he went in first and I was following behind talking about work and stuff... and so as for this idea it was supposed to be some kind of ad campaign that would really work... it was like a fantastic slogan.. (though i forgot it by now). When I said it, i was very confident and it was a good feeling, and he was like... giving a thoughtful look also like 'hmmm' which felt like we just discovered a gold mine.
Rock Climbing
To dream that you are rock climbing, symbolizes your struggle, determination and ambition. You are not any letting obstacles get in the way of your goal. Additionally, the dream indicates that you have an edge over others.(Dreammoods)
>> Thoughts?
I think it's nice, a feeling of elevation, that bright idea, that spark, that "conquering" feeling of doing what you could not do in real life... I guess, it is the feelings of positivity and hope inside me and a belief that I can succeed. Though in real life, I am not even getting there, couldn't even scale a wall, and don't have any bright idea or advertising campaign big-idea that really I can pull off in my work place...
So what is this dream telling me? I guess, a replay of some of the daily events where I had that feeling that I really was in control of things. A feeling of wanting to share ideas with someone (as with the ex-colleague). It also reminds me that it's vastly different from what I am experiencing now. Now, I am feeling a sense of loneliness, no one to really share new ideas with, no one with the same ideas, wavelength, culture, interests. At work, people are rather quiet, talk chinese, and don't talk intelligent stuff... I really am very sorry for this, but I really don't find any conversation that interests me or challenges me. It's really really really absolutely dull. SORRY!!! BUT IT IS DULL!
At church, it is also EXTREMELY DULL! I am the task master, chore-chaser, room-booker, key/room-opener, music-player, time-giver, nice-smiler...
Personal life - IT IS DULL! I am just a worker, daughter, conscientious person but no matter how good or hard you work, wont' earn money kind. And I don't have a passion, an ambition, a big-idea of what to do with life. So i just carry on placidly.
SIGH... all the feelings are pouring out now thinking of this dream and what it really means to me.
SIGH... this dream recording exercise is gonna be a scary look into the depths of my heart and soul... But as the book tells, it is a worthy exercise, if we "dare" to go with the challenge that will come along with this knowledge of our inner beings. HMM!
With that, and with nothing else to lose, and with nothing else ahead to look for, I am keen to find out more about what else I could find within me so that I can live life to the fullest...
We enter Desolation when we fail to love, when we sin, when we go against the nature of God within us to do good.
We become lost, afraid and angry. We lose confidence or faith in God.
We then enter a period of struggle... the desert experience.
During this time, we question everything from the purpose of life, the meaning of my existence, God's plan for us, what is our value, our very self-worth.
Like Jonah in the desert who got angry that God killed the small tree that gave him shade, we are brought to utter humbleness, knowing that there is nothing we can do on our own - that it is GOD who gives, and takes away. It is God who gives us our very purpose of existence.
Then, we are called - to embrace the things - the ways of God. We struggle again between heart and head. Our head tells us - why be so holy? why be so good? WE struggle believing the lies of the devil.
Then finally, by the Grace of God, that moment comes. When we have mustered enough strength to "be" once again, the person that God wants us to be... perhaps we did a little act of kindness. Perhaps we made amends, forgave someone, or forgave ourselves. In the doing of that good deed, we free ourselves from the slavery of sin and God's love reaches into us again.
We then reach a state of Consolation, where our hearts become yet again confident - in the presence of Jesus within us - in the hope of salvation. Trust is restored and we can Love again without guilt or fear.
I just had a faint glimpse of Consolation - tonight... could it have been the super iced expresso with ice cream (my failed attempt at ordering "Affogatto" (expresso supposed to be hot)...?
I believe it is a little drop of God's grace.
I was asking all day for Help. God, why did I feel so lousy... bad, poor, aimless, empty?
And God tells me tonight... My Help comes from the Lord (Psalm 121).
And He has constantly been assuring me that He does not slumber... he is always watching over me.
I then shared some bible verses / article with Ju & Ma, something I felt suitable for them. And my heart suddenly expanded. It is a feeling I hadn't felt for a long time.
The joy that comes from Giving - Pure giving - Giving out of nothing - Giving out of a broken heart. A broken heart of human fraility, seeing so many things that are beyond our control, so many unknowns, so many uncertainty, fears, losses... that kind of brokeness... I believe exists in everyone?
God is mysterious and I'm still only discovering so much with each new day...
When I am "invisible" - when everyone expects things will be done. When no one comes to support. When I email important news and there is no response. When I ask for some passion for ministry to care for members, and I don't know whether the words have disappeared into thin air. When I do the work because no one else is doing. When the things I put time into gets ridiculed or passes by without anyone noticing. When the room is dirty and I do the sweeping and people just walk over unknowingly with their shoes. When people litter our youth room and expect someone to clean it up. When I try to be punctual. When I try to never miss one meeting. When I try to shift my own appointments just to be able to turn up at all the events - and others can simply say, sorry, i forgot.
Islands, listen to me, pay attention, remotest peoples.
The Lord called me before I was born, from my mother’s womb he pronounced my name.
He made my mouth a sharp sword, and hid me in the shadow of his hand. He made me into a sharpened arrow, and concealed me in his quiver.
He said to me, ‘You are my servant (Israel) in whom I shall be glorified’;
while I was thinking, ‘I have toiled in vain, I have exhausted myself for nothing’;
and all the while my cause was with the Lord, my reward with my God.
I was honoured in the eyes of the Lord, my God was my strength.
And now the Lord has spoken,
he who formed me in the womb to be his servant,
to bring Jacob back to him, to gather Israel to him: ‘It is not enough for you to be my servant, to restore the tribes of Jacob and bring back the survivors of Israel;
I will make you the light of the nations so that my salvation may reach to the ends of the earth.’.
In the world, I am meek, indecisive, timid, quiet, boring, fearful of error, liking comfort, lazy, unthinking, irritable… so many things I really dislike about myself.
In Christ, I am hopeful, see a purpose, passionate, persevering, and dedicated, able to forgive, merciful, kind, patient, and loving.
My inner thoughts sometimes confuse me. They tell me it's ok, that sometimes I can just forget being Christlike, being all so good, striving for holiness, and goodness... that it’s time to relax a little. Or maybe even telling me that I’ve been wasting my time trying to be christlike all the time, for it is impossible, I should just be a 'normal' person. But what is normal? Being sinful? Being un-christlike? Being worldly? BEing NOT so holy? Being doubtful of Christianity? Being unbeliving?
Therefore, I am telling myself, don’t forget, when I have been touched by the Holy Spirit, I have been made new. A new life of Grace had filled me and changed me for Good. I have a new life in Christ.
Therefore, I don’t need to live by the world dictates. Why struggle with all those worldly emotions? God is offering me something better.
Every day when I really go deep into prayer, I am convicted - of the various things that are sinful in my life. I cry tears because I know there's so much more i could be, or that God wants me to be.... So much more... it's like the whole world cannot contain the love of God...
YET we want everything NOT of God. We want the privilege of being able to live life for ourselves, and callously without regard for what pleases or not pleases God. If we can justify it with rationality, it is correct. So if I can justify my actions, a sinful act could be correct. But is it?
I do believe God is alive and real and there to judge me at the end of the day. And He will also judge with Love - because everyone is like sheep fallen astray.
Also I realise that the more we grow in Christ, the more sensitive we will be to things that are ‘not’ of God – and the more difficult the struggles get, because previously we were dead to Christ but now being alive in Christ, even the smallest sin – feels like a big speck and a big weight upon us.
It is hard to describe the feelings… but I know that only spiritual warfare can get me through.
That said, if I can praise God and meditate on His Word every day and night, that would be great… though it will be a challenge… because I’ve been so plagued by tiredness, worry, stress, anger, sadness, and so forth, caused by simply, the fact that we are in the world. Everyone in the world will face all these things.
Real Joy – I know it is found in Christ. It’s just whether we want to find Him or not.
Many other joys of lesser degrees can be found in the world, even in sin and revelry. But ultimate Joy is in being forgiven, being set free, being able to see Eternity, the prospect of Life with God. Not being GOD, but being WITH God.
I shall try to lift my eyes to better things and worship Him more sincerely. This gets tough when you are just going through the motions.
Sounds like a love story? Yeah – perhaps, why I’m so ‘sufficient’ – is that I found a love story with God.
And if I sound like a lunatic... well, perhaps, an obsessed churchy one. I'm not totally "holy". But it may seem so - the way I rant about God.
Few dreams this week.... shows my state of sleep - restless. hmm.
1) One part of one day's dream was about food. I was preparing food for a bunch of people and there was not enough, so i ate less and tried to make sure the others had more.
Context: Feels like my youth scene in church, olps. It feels like i wish that they will be fill, and in the busy-ness of the preparations, I just forgo my own wants and needs to serve the rest. Very much like Martha.Well, it makes some sense that my 2nd name and 1st name have the same vowels.. Mar - tha... : |
2) Then the 2nd dream of mention is this morning's dream. It was an epic drama battle scene gosh.... it made me want to blog and try to record it down ahaha.. !
It's sad! OK the context is all fuzzy now... it's a battle scene and there is an enemy. I have a gun. There are 2 others with me. There are parts where I am the one running up the hill and peeking. I can imagine myself decked with helmet and rifle (or whatever machinery) and doing all those shoot and hide things you see on typical battle scenes.
At some point in the fight, my companions are all gone and i'm the last one. I am now fighting 2 people. I pretend that all is lost and simply run and run and run from the two people. THey chase, laughing and thinking that they have won and that i'll be dead in a matter of time. But i have a plan... at a particular position I will sneak up upon a railing where I have the best view and then kill them off.
I manage to perch on the railing in time to have bulls eye shot at those 2 people. In the distance somehow (i have magic also?!) I turn an innocent girl into a glass doll (perhaps to save her from the bullets). The glass doll is like one of the japanese glass doll gift that I got from Jac! Haha, you'd see it in my room...
So the 2 people come into sight, and I kill them with relish.. somehow there are feelings of revenge and anger as I kill them and totally cut them into 2 with the some sort of double-handed machine gun i have (ok i don't know machines) - anyway, I was thinking make sure they are dead once and for all.
Then somehow the tragedy happens - thinking it is over I go over to pick up that glass doll girl, but the machine gun is still "on". As I step into the front ground this time, I'm the one who gets shot.... and it ends... I die....
And i wake up from this dream really amazed by the epic drama feeling of it... there were a lot more beforehand that I can't remember, like reasons for this battle, how my companions and I were strategising how to fight and how we actually ran to our various spots and hide-outs and the feeling of the running up the slopes... etc.
Life is an opportunity,
benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires
of your heart." Psalm 37:4
