The past 2 months have not been great. After a big peak at the ABLAZE Youth rally I would say life took a downturn for me.
As much as I walk on the edge I realised that the battle is after all within myself. Something like a part of me rebelling against the part of me that knows better. The whole cycle spins out of control when coupled with factors like disappointments and tiredness.
And it was certainly like this for me at church. No matter what positive thoughts I thought, my whole being was tired and dissatisfied. Why? when we are working in HIS spirit, in HIS love, it should be enough. What else was I seeking?I realise so many things that struggle within me. The need to forgive people, myself and the past, and move on, versus reminiscing what could have been or bearing grudges and hurt. Yet, a part of me wilfully remains in the past, not wanting to move on. I see it in my dreams. The fear. The stubborness. No one can tell me what is right or wrong. I don't want to hear of it.
And yet, I know this wilfull struggle only ends up in misery. Because i am not walking in the light of Christ.. rather, choosing my own path, without certainty of it's ending... only one thought for sure, that i just want to get away from the pain of it all.
What is the pain i feel? why do i suffer? It's from knowing that there could be so much more good and not being able to live up to it. My personal ideals of ministry, my own self, my own life, it's difficult. Perhaps i'd set too high a standard for myself. Perhaps, a sense of failure had overwhelmed me. All i know is that this innately causes confusion and disappointment. With myself firstmost, and then people.
So you see me self-destruct. I see it all too clearly. The habits. The denials. The fears. The unmotivation. The negativity. The knowledge of christ yet the feeling that God is not here to help me. AND also ironically, the feeling of Christ being close, but the unworthiness of myself for being such a faithless believer.
And so you can see. The downturns outweigh the perks? or so it seems because I believe the whole foundation of a person lies in the relationship with God. And I have to admit - it's been really shaky.
Now i know what happens when we walk away from God's grace and when we fail to attend mass for as long as 1 month. What happens?1) A stripping of the confidence/assurance we have of God's love. We start to question and doubt. 2) A stripping of God's power and blessings - we fear our future, and take measures to try to protect ourselves. 3) We stop loving - we focus on our problems. 4) We stop living - we think of the negative and lose our motivations. We end up on the path of death. And now as I even can write this out, I am still walking the edge.. I think of the song "One Last Breath" by Creed... seesh.. creed is still around in my dictionary. Yes... no one sees it. But God does. I know he knows. And i'm watching myself totter around... not sure why I am even behaving like this.
I know why. It's because I hate myself. Why? Half of me cries, when I hear myself condemn myself. If God doesn't condemn me, who shall? If He died for me while I was a sinner, he is still loving me now. Why do I condemn myself? I know it very well... it's the syndrome of walking back to the cage. A bird is set free but having been in a cage too long, it may just walk back and start living the old life again. I see an intense conflict between my old and new self. If I lived in the new self, I will have to walk away from my old me. I will have to make changes in my life. And they are not difficult - in fact, they promise even greater abundant life - greater joy, and presence of God.
But if i choose my old life - I will go in circles of pleading with God to 'save' me from all the pains and troubles, only to find that He says, i can simply choose otherwise - and then I choose to remain in the darkness... and then God is saying... why not just walk out into the light? But I don't... because i don't want to... not that i can't or don't know how. And because of that, i am inefficient in everything i do.. because i choosed to believe that.
And after this analysis, i can say unfortunately, that i had walked back into the cage. or the pit. It makes me needy. It makes me lack. It makes me imperfect and lousy. And because of that, I disqualify myself from God's work. I opt out. I say i need a break.
Why? Because I was disappointed? so simple as that? Or is it a deeper reason? Could it be that there's still something deeper inside of me that resents the burden and responsibilities i have to do as a healthy individual and leader in a youth ministry? Could it be why I chose to 'self destruct' with a path of denial and rebelliousness?
As I write this, I plead to God for mercy. And long for the day that i can truly wake up from this spiritual nightmare and walk in God's presence with confidence once again.
