Tribute to Esther!

My FYP buddy Esther is back from Xinjiang, China, after a month and a half of trekking..as part of the Women's Everest Team training expedition. She's an amazing person who just never stops to inspire others..:)

See her sketch of the mountains!


Esther, I just get the larger than life feeling when I hear of all you've done.. so keep it up! I am still far from getting myself into trekking or even mountaineering. Not to mention marathon-ing.. SEESH! But it's inspiring! I wanna go to all those exotic places and immerse myself in the mountains, the rural life, take great photos, and just live life.. survive. Not be like a luxurious kid, with everything in your hands, money, job, work, and never having lived life in all its simplicity and the barest of basics.

And before I get into questioning myself whether these dreams are just talk, let me just revel in the dream and dream --- for the sake of dreaming. For our dreams become reality. If we don't simply hope, but believe it will happen. Let my mustard seed faith grow and take root.. I want to believe more in myself and make things happen!

Meanwhile, Ju goes off to Boston MIT today! Another girl with big dreams. I pray she will be safe, and that God will guide her through the gruelling 5 years of PHD Study. It's certainly not a pleasant feat for many - who can withstand studying for another 5 years? But I believe God will see her through.

The Guitar & other Ruminations

Tonight I heard the song SING (your love) on my com, from Hillsong?s For ALL You?ve Done Album? and on hearing that, I just wanted to jam on the guit. It?s one of my favourite songs. Mellow. Totally Guitar.

I think i must have played for over an hour. I get lost sometimes in it.. heh.. As I was playing? I just started thinking (and pouring out my heart) to God in the stillness of the music.

I mean,.. I?ve been feeling so down. Inside. So lonely. So tired. So unappreciated. So stupid. So unworthy. So less than another person. So much inadequate compared to others in the world. And these are valid feelings. You can't say that just because i help out in church so much, i'm such a loser. Precisely that is a misconception. Even if i were not a churchy person I am entitled to feelings like that.

I think perhaps, there's just a feeling that I want to have freedom and enjoy the things I like and not have responsibilities. Sometimes, life isn't all cheery at times. I tend to become melancholic at times. Personality trait? or just bad habit?

I think i am a walking contradiction. I want freedom but i stick within structure. I want to be different but i'm so un-differentiated.. I want to do things my way, but end up doing things the wrong way - aka like staying up thru the night to just simply - stay awake.

But why? It's because I just want to have a say over how I do things. PErhaps, its been a long awaited time of having no say or just doing things 'right'. So sometimes, we just want to do things 'wrong'. Do we always have to do things 'right' and conform to the ways people think is right?

What about mad scientists and crazy inventors who break the rules of living and even with their eccentricities, churn out wonderful innovations?

Sometimes, we prioritise things differently. And perhaps, people are at odds with my way of prioritisation. I admit there's still lots I have to learn but until I am ready to make any changes to life, I am just not ready. I know people wish for me to be so many things I am not. But I wonder why? and I just feel victimised - like. it's unfair. to have expectations.

Perhaps there really isn't much expectations - but then why do I feel that pressure?

I hate it. seriously. Yet i know i don't have a valid reason to complain.

Who can fill this emptiness of the soul?

It's easy to say that because I am already serving in church, i SHOULD have a more 'wholesome' personality and soul. But then this can't be said because no one is saved just by going to church or serving. Rather, I found things to do to make myself useful and possibly grow my potential and 'loving' aspects. But I am still a human and still weak.

Then another thing - sometimes a heightened awareness of our spirituality - to me its called a deepening relationship with God. But to the world it is simply folly - it's simply being an overly zealot and overly spiritual.

That's STILL the challenge and question i'm puzzling with. I still can't understand why people can't understand and why the rift remains. But it all makes sense when we put it in Jesus' perspective that the world and his kingdom can never go hand-in hand.

And so I think --- I?m living for this cause ---- All I want is a deeper experience of JEsus.

ANd it sounds hard to say. But this is waht I really want. In fact, I want nothing in this earth but I just want Jesus. And i know someone will disagree with that next.

But have they ever felt that intense longing for God? for A God? or for someone to save and love them?

We all feel that - and we need love - and My answer is that it's only found in God. Saint Augustine tells us that too - that our hearts are restless till it finds its rest in God.

Then i am brought to reflect that If I really want Jesus, I must let go of all sinful self and bitterness and let His love flow through me to others. That's also where it's challenging cos sometimes we don't wnat to be too loving or we fear. And there are also things of our old selves that we don't want to change.

So yes, tell me about those things but don't say that my work in church is not right...

PEople are friendly but how loving is that? When we are truly loving - (aka don't suan back, don't demean someone) - it comes across as nice yet pale..

PErhaps, at the end of the day, I am still a hypocrite.

And the tough part is why is this so hard.

Countless of times, I feel God asking me ? Do I really love him? To which I reply ? YES GOD I DO! Sometimes, I doubt even myself ? but I know that I love God (though sometimes or most times, I don?t think I?m really a very loving person compared to others who are more expressive with their love).

But then, I also know that God is not a condemning God so as much as I condemn myself now, Jesus loves me for everything I am - minus the sinful self. So then, I have hope and light ahead.

Indeed ? I believe God is leading me to something new ? He is always doing something new in our lives. For me now? It?s to discover His Real Love and to live in it. Truly living IN His Love makes me a conquerer.. not a defeated pawn.

God made me and chose me and sent me on a mission. And He wants to touch people through me. He wants to use all of us ? who would respond and say yes to Him. My cry is that more people will understand the spiritual truths in this world.

And the Truth can only be revealed by the Spirit of God ? through His People who are his Hands and Feet. I?ve said Yes to God. But not knowing what the road holds for me. I feel just like Peter. When Peter says he loves Jesus ? Jesus asks 3 times, Do you love me. And then he said ? Feed my sheep.

And then God says ? to Peter that he will be led to places he won?t want to go. I wonder ? what is ahead of this journey with God? It?s exciting indeed, challenging, indeed, it puts life on a totally different plane. It merges the natural and spiritual into one whole. AND you see the whole perspective of the universe from beginning to end.. and you just marvel at the whole creation ? the Beginning and the End ? The alpha and the Omega ? Jesus.

Jesus. He?s a mystery. Yet he?s so real. Yet he?s so far away at times. Yet he?s our best friend. It?s so ironic.

But then again, I realise that this passion for Jesus ? this love? is really awesome.. and when you really get in touch with your own inner need for Jesus ? you?ll know ? that only JESUS can fill your innermost need.

So back again to my silly ruminations - its a real conflict of feelings and thoughts. I'm being my own enemy here.. and I think I just have to let go and stop cursing myself.

Oil Painting Lesson 3 & 4

There! The latest 2 lessons result:


I kinda learnt only 1 thing at yesterday's session: Don't blend! I was trying to blend the colours like a colour pencil. Then our teacher made a funny remark: even colour pencils, we don't blend the colour.. you paint the colour as it is! haha...

Well, the oil lessons are getting more fun. More likely, it's the people. Chris, Monica, Phuay Lit, and our teacher Low Kim Chit.. (who has his own exhibition).. we went for supper yesterday and it was just laughter and lots of banter. I love the people. I love Monica. She's a lawyer at MTV and married to an Australian. No wonder all the banter. And you know what? she walked home last week - from Nafa to SIGLAP!!! SIGLAP! i tell you.. it's crazy! And yeah she lives nearby! Just siglap road!

MEanwhile, we'll be going to our teacher's place to view his exhibition this Sunday. Then it's a family dinner - farewell for Ju.

Oh then.. as for the rest of the things going on: I'm just busy and tired these few days.

Today I played violin for Taize. I was tired and blank in my head the whole time.. but I managed to appreciate Taize and use my music to bring about a prayerful atmosphere. So i thank God. Despite not being able to 'feel' anything so passionately, i believe in 'faith'.

Cheers,
Sam

What's in a name?

A name is really important. It defines you.

I think i'm more of a Sam than Samantha:


Meaning and origin of Sam
Gender:Female
Ethnic Origin:Hebrew

Meaning: Listen; name of God.

Popularity Ranking:This name is not ranked in the top 1000 most popular names for the years 1990 through 2003.

Numerology:Expression Number 6: People with this name value community and balance, and are dependable and considerate. They often tend to gravitate to occupations where they can act as peacemakers or negotiators, or fulfill these roles among their friends and family, They tend to be conventional, responsible, family-oriented, warm and affectionate. They sometimes worry obsessively about those they care for. They work for harmony and balance in their lives, and respond positively to beautiful things.

Meaning and origin of Samantha
Gender:Female
Ethnic Origin:Hebrew
Meaning:Listen; name of God.

Numerology:Expression Number 5: People with this name are excited by change, adventure, and excitement. They are dynamic, visionary and versatile, able to make constructive use of freedom. They fight being restricted by rules and conventions. They tend to be optomistic, energetic, intelligent, and to make friends easily. They may be changeable, restless, untidy, and rebellious. [true in a way but not all the time YET]

Try your name: http://www.mybirthcare.com/favorites/babynames.asp

The Summons, written by John Bell

This song was sung at Holy Fam yesterday during mass. It really touched me... and i feel challenged to love and serve more. Even though we serve in Church, we are sometimes.. still FAR from perfect. We still lack love, lack being a true light for Christ, and lack so many things. As I serve more, I feel more lacking and that's where I realise that I need to change even more, and also depend on God even more. There's always more to God. because He is infinity.


The Summons, written by John Bell

Will you come and follow me, if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don't know, and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown, will you let my love be known,
Will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind, if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind, and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare, should your life attract or scare?Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see, if I but call your name?
Will you set the prisoners free, and never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean, and do such as this unseen,
And admit to what I mean in you and you in me?

Will you love the 'you' you hide, if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside, and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you've found, to reshape the world around,
Through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?

Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name,
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In your company I'll go, where your love and footsteps show.
Thus I'll move and live and grow in you, and you in me.

National Day & NTUSO!

Today was a great beautiful day! Woke up after a good long night sleep and (as a result) had to rush the first launch email for ABLAZE!

See it here: http://www.saccre-youth.org/ablaze_e-newsletter.html

But all was super fun after that! Went to OLPS to meet Marlene and catch the OLPS Kid's Carnival. I'm amazed that it looked so good and everyone stayed right till the end! Below is Fr. Gregory giving the closing prayer to a hall full of parents and kids!



Then I watched King Kong wif Marlene and we both felt the show was a little unrealistic at times.. a bit far fetched, too long.. etc etc. Well I was really touched at the end.. but then its like.. after everything, what's the show trying to say? It was a sad ending that makes you feel - why?? instead of awwww! ANyways, we then played a long postponed game of Tennis!

And once again.. below's another sky shot for you (taken from Tennis court)>>> i just love cloud formations.. all kinds of them..! (of course the picture below has been slightly doctored to look tad bit more vibrant - brings out the emotions better eh!)



AND then watching National Day Parade! - See the flag being flown past the East Coast!! I saw it I saw it!!



And this is completely off topic today but I was just browsing back on the NTU String Orchestra website and i'm so happy for them >>> http://clubs.ntu.edu.sg/ntuso/index.htm

We've been through so much and now it's called a String Orchestra.. When we talk about it, it's just poignant! Yes that word again --> Poignant! Memories. FLooding back. Those String Ensemble days.. It makes my heart wrench... you wanna go back and enjoy certain bits of those fun fellowship together.. which today we only enjoy at sporadic moments when there's those rare wedding lobangs that brings us back together. It's certainly poignant.

Here's us during March (overdue pics) -- at the Journey2006 concert. (CLICK to view larger image)





I love string and man i'm going back for the concert in October! By all means!

Long Term Thinking

Today I was just thinking on how we tend to be myopic in our thinking and planning. Like I start the youth e-newsletter for my church - but halfway it seems harder to go on. Of course, the realities of the work has set in. But it's not that the passion has died. Rather, it means that this vision needs to be fueled even more by better planning, more resources, and a steady focus. Sometimes, at stretches of time, I blank out and totally don't wanna think of the project. Then I get back and it's all fury again... But for the long-term, it's better to develop a steady pattern and plan! Then again, it's always going the extra mile.. it's tiring.

Meanwhile, rather than patting my back (i so feel like doing that) I want to tell myself NO i cannot rest on my laurels! For something that has barely started, gaining ever slight momentum, i cannot stop! :) So i must press on. In fact, there's greater hope ahead.. more avenues to link up various of these church groups and people - ONLINE. I just see the world online.

Crazy huh. I wish my job title was now called web editor. or maybe web-something. But it seems after all i am still a copywriter and i have to do press releases! So not my favourite. Shall I bitch about work? nah. No i shall not. Yesterday at Festival of Praise, the theme was "Empowered by the Spirit in the Marketplace". IT was a very inspiring new insight for me. To think that God's SPirit spreads more greatly in the marketplace than in the church! I'm thinking about it and am like.. YEAH.. been trying SO HARD in the church for so long, and the answer is simply to go to the Marketplace! The Marketplace!

FOP 2006! at the Indoor Stadium - Don Moen here. He played the VIOLIN! HE played it! So coool!!!


And Christian City Church band is here. Speaker was Ed Silvoso - wrote some great books!


Talking about 'the marketplace' now i feel so suaku! I just visited the Raffles City underground revamp and only JUST realised that it has changed! Guess that's just life for me this year. Devoted and dedicated to my work in the church and for God - that not even shopping or enjoying myself with other things (like movies friends, dinner) will be better than that.

And that has been me all along. I think i'm driven by a passion for God. The passion for achievement. Producing good works. Design. Writing. Art. Music. After all these years, it still cannot change. So one thing i know now is that I know myself better, and I know what I must do, where I must go, and where I mustn't. I mustn't be untrue to myself no longer. I must pursue the Real Me!

And so I dream - once again! I think my whole blog is full of dreams and self-reflection. Narcissisistic? Boring? Oh well, it's my blog!

Now then, i'm exploring possibilities of creating a saccre-youth and olpsyouth blog. After the website now comes the blog. More more more responsibilities.. Before I launch into this, i think i need a full week to review the websites and whether i can carry them both on. Talk about creating a Saccre-youth newsletter and Database (at the back of my head) - and I just cringe at the work ahead and the wonder if anyone ever has a similar idea as me. Come on in the whole of singapore does no one ever wish there was a readily accessible database of groups and contacts?

Oh well - there's Veritas. SO perhaps, i'm at the wrong place and wrong time.. perhaps perhaps.

Now then.. I am hoping I survive this week. I have to rewrite a corporate brochure at work - been sitting forever on it. It's not easy.. yet it's not difficult. Dun know why i'm so stuck. It's a mental displacement. I feel i moved on from the writing stage to the content-gathering-conceptualising stage at work and it's hard to go back to writing. Not that I was ever a real great copywriter.. seesh¬!

FUrther Rantings continued

Back home after a really cool dinner with Ju & family at Werners, this german place! OOh!! Schnitzels and Fleischkase... pork knuckels, oxtails and potato in all forms - fries, mash, salad, stirfried, Gee! I like the place. Will certainly go back again!

Talking about food, i think there's so many places I've yet to try out. Man what have I been doing!

Meanwhile, the rave of the week is Art.. I feel I'm finally living out a dream. Yet it also feels like being a fish in the ocean. Where do you start? Will I really carry on doing art after this course? or is it a fad to come and go? can i really bring out me through art?

Today at office a topic was about bfs and gfs.. and I just felt like geesh. As much as I say I'm happy being single, there's certainly a part of me - of anyone - who wonders what would it be like to be loved and to love someone. Then we say -- it takes two to clap - and things like - perhaps the right one hasn't come yet...

Oh well, its an area that I dare not and have not thought much about. Why? DO I fear?

Frankly.. i think I have buried my feelings - so much so that I don't feel - very neutral - neither too happy, neither too sad (more sad than happy when i'm alone, more happy than sad when with people...) But because of buried feelings - I feel restricted - don't know how to laugh - take life too seriously - and don't mix with people very well. Sometimes, I just bash myself like this isn't it? Call it self-depressive mode starting to kick into action.

It's like half of me watching the other half of me sink.

I was also going through some old blogs and found this really upsetting one related to art. hmmm! http://auburnskye.blogspot.com/2005/05/upsetting-art-dream.html

BIG SIGH!

Life - what is life? I can't find joy in going out to enjoy life - I can't find joy in doing too much work (just get worn out) - I can't find joy in escapism because i know i'm running away (from what?) and so then - when will we truly feel satisfied?

I know the answer is in God. That's why I cling so tightly to God. But i know also that i haven't let go of everything - all the deepest hurts and pains.. In fact, people go through life sometimes never really giving it up at all - and they become bitter or develop certain attitudes to cope with it. Look at me.. as much as I'm walking a steady path as I am now, sometimes I feel emotionally unstable inside.. though no one really really sees it. or do they suspect. i dunno. I guess this is normal part of life - being emotionally vulnerable at times.. sometimes going though deep thoughts, and sometimes just letting go and enjoy life.

I think I protect myself by trying to be strong - and not confide in anyone. I don't think I ever want to hear what people have got to say about me. I just fear the worst. If i hear something bad, I know it will crumble the very faint wall that I've been building. In fact, I sometimes bash that own wall of mine.. and end up feeling so broken -lost - and in most desperate need for God's saving Grace to lift me up.

Perhaps, all these woes and feelings are simply a spiritual journey towards total dependence on God - because after all, Jesus said that He is the vine and we are the branches, apart from HIM we can do nothing.

So I think what is really happening is that I'm realising how much of 'nothing' we truly are - and that our total being must be found in HIM otherwise we are living our lives separate from HIM the vine of eternal life. Why settle for the life that will end, when we can choose eternal life?

So as much as I struggle in my feelings, I know that I better walk by faith.

God - please use me as your instrument - to bring peace, love and charity to others!

Amen!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So then, I just heard one of my fav songs of all times - River of Dreams by Billy Joel. And i thought the lyrics makes lots of sense to me now... (I have never looked hard at the lyrics previously..) Here it goes:

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
From the mountains of faith
To a river so deep
I must be looking for something
Something sacred I lost
But the river is wide
And it's too hard to cross

And even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and I stand on the shore
And try to cross to the opposite side
So I can finally find out what I've been looking for

In the middle of the night I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear
To a river so deep
And I've been searching for something
Taken out of my soul S
omething I would never lose
Something somebody stole

I don't know why I go walking at night
But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore
I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life
Until I find what it is that I've been looking for

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt
To a river so deep
I know I'm searching for something
Something so undefined
That it can only be seen
By the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night

I'm not sure about a life after this
God knows I've never been a spiritual man
Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river
That runs to the promised land
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the desert of truth
To the river so deep
We all end in the ocean
We all start in the streams
We're all carried along
By the river of dreams
In the middle of the night

Further rantings!

2nd movement - string quartet in F - Ravel... absolutely exotic..

I realise i like the colours red black and white (very KC isn't it?!)

Just watched Wolf's Rain ending - truly, it leaves one hanging - anticlimax.. sheesh! I still like the music anyway!

It's a blue Friday today for me.. dun feel like laughing at all. In fact, i just feel like standing up and shouting! Low on chocos? haha.. not quite. What is it? Must be the stupid computer full of backdoor trojan/worms. Really makes work suck when you can't get anything done.

But it's Ju's Birthday Today! Happy Birthday Ju!!! You're a fine young lady,.. may you have lots of good experiences in Boston.. we'll miss you definitely! Don't stress out ok.. always remember your family and faith! And yup I'll paint a nice pic for you when I've learnt enough to paint a decent one.. haha!

Monotones - oil painting part 2

Lesson 2: Painting with monotones. We haven't even touched the oil yet.. heh! This is tougher than i thought.. because the light sections are not simply 'not shading' but you also have to add the right degrees of white. I have added too little here, so the overall picture still looks dark and low contrast. And the apple has an outline! Whereas the different 'tone' should have been done by painting different degrees of Grey. So then.. much more to learn!! I'm quite impressed however to find that our teacher is an artist outside NAFA with his own exhibition gallery. I wanna see it one day!!!

SACCRE Youth

Off balance! Today(monday) I shifted desk - for the FOURTH time! After the physical disorientation came the work disorientation.. couldn't really concentrate and kept doing 2-3 things at the same time.. so i decided i had too much to complete and thus, almost forgot to have lunch till 2pm..

Then, it was SACCRE Youth meeting from 7:30 - 9:30pm. It was starting off well, but somehow, it's like no one could really help it but because of differing views things came to a little tense point. SACCRE Youth is at a very vulnerable stage. For those who dun know, it stands for Singapore Archdiocesan Catholic Charismatic Renewal Experience. There's the adult group. so since last year, there's been these efforts to set up a youth wing for SACCRE - to reach out to youths. And being in a youth ministry, few of us from different youth ministries are now involved to discuss how to take SACCRE Youth further. BUt there's differing views. I believe in the big picture (somehow I have evolved from thinking of just the small details to the big picture!!) but some still don't quite see it and settle for the here and now. I question - what happens after that? they say - let's work on what we can do for now.

Sigh. It's so tough to find a person who can truly work with you - with the same ideals. PErhaps that's why while praying, Maggie shared that she felt that we needed unity. True. We need also to define WHAT is SACCRE Youth and our ROLE in the churches and WHO is going to be involved. I can't believe that up till now we are still discussing WHO is willing to contribute and who is not. I think for YAM, there is only just me lor. It's maybe quite simple on our side. Ok i am roping in Eugene for now. But then.. I believe rather that SACCRE YOuth should still have a dedicated person to coordinate for all ministries. OKa could be the one but he needs to step down in due time. So then, the question is perhaps for just 1 person who can really handle it all. Then the question comes - who? I feel it's like God crying out - whom shall I send? And I just so wish to say: Here I am, send me! If not for the many other commitments I already have.

Well then, it was amazing that after that Nat and I spent another 1 and a half hour STANDING and talking near the bus stop. We just talked.. didnt' even sit down. About the mtg, about John 10:10, YAM, her, me, etc. It was uplifting. ANd there's 2 things she said that made me think:

1) That eagerness / enthusiasm to reach out doesn't equate to genuine love for others. Yet the bible says, if we don't love others, we are not really followers of God..

2) and the question of: What is your Personal Vision? Even to have a renewed relationship with Jesus is a personal vision.

And i think... God.. thank you for this inspiring chat.

Back home..

I'm so inspired to journal all these out. Yes, I'm going to journal more and more. I want to see my own personal progress. despite how much inertia i face.