What is freedom?

Today I emerged from a 7hr overnite vigil at church... still awake... though i napped a lot in between.

I am thought-filled (not full, but filled) haha. I just can't wait for a break this Friday as I leave for my Japan trip. Finally the long awaited trip.

I ponder over the theme, freedom. What is freedom? Is it to do what I want and without the constraints of anyone? Is it to fulfill my dreams? Is it to just have a free carefree personality without worries? Is it to be without commitments and responsibilities?

Recently got tempted. I have a choice, to go do something I really like. But the trade off is long-term security and the sense of achievement & completion in the tasks/job/projects at hand. If I go ahead to pursue my 'wildest' dreams, will I really be happier? Or will the uncertainty take a turn and haunt me instead?

I could live with my personal choice. But the fact that it affects other people, makes me less free.

The fact that in our world, our actions affect other people, makes 'freedom' an illusion. If we are free to do what we want, at the result of other people's wellbeing, that is not being free.

Freedom is making a reasoned choice. After a bout of reasoning with good friends, I came to a decision that it is not best to follow my wildest dreams. Then again, that's coz we're all practical people.

When the head speaks, the heart is dampened. When the heart speaks, the head sends out alarm bells.

Which do I listen to?

Yet again I listen to the head.

There goes my 'dream' of playing music and doing art all day. Fantasy world. Then again, I am also not ready to embrace this kind of life. It is a total revolution of my daily routinised life right now. Can I take it?

I hope that it may still come to pass one day.

Sunday Morning Work

What a way to spend Sunday Morning. Woke up at 8am today and immediately got to work. Office stuff (cos will be on leave tmrw and Tues for a conference), then youth stuff like updating blog posts, facebook, planning retreat programme/publicity, EDYD publicity, doing online fund transfer..

4.5 hours later, I have a headache.

Ok time to rest..

My small and only prayer is... Lord there must be a purpose for all these... you gave me the time and determination to do this, so I just follow through it, help me not to feel disgruntled..

Cheers!

Another message

Well, read another section of Isaiah tonite - Ch. 54. It is amazing... it speaks to my 2nd issue that I'd been mulling about in some previous posts - about being intentionally single, then being disillusion about loving someone for life.. then this Isaiah 54 pops up and I read "For he who has become your husband is your Maker; his name is the LORD of hosts; Your redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, called God of all the earth."

... How Apt? 


Isaiah
Chapter 54

Raise a glad cry, you barren one who did not bear, break forth in jubilant song, you who were not in labor, For more numerous are the children of the deserted wife than the children of her who has a husband, says the LORD.
Enlarge the space for your tent, spread out your tent cloths unsparingly; lengthen your ropes and make firm your stakes.
For you shall spread abroad to the right and to the left; Your descendants shall dispossess the nations and shall people the desolate cities.
Fear not, you shall not be put to shame; you need not blush, for you shall not be disgraced. The shame of your youth you shall forget, the reproach of your widowhood no longer remember.
For he who has become your husband is your Maker; his name is the LORD of hosts; Your redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, called God of all the earth.
The LORD calls you back, like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit, A wife married in youth and then cast off, says your God.
For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with great tenderness I will take you back.
In an outburst of wrath, for a moment I hid my face from you; But with enduring love I take pity on you, says the LORD, your redeemer.
This is for me like the days of Noah, when I swore that the waters of Noah should never again deluge the earth; So I have sworn not to be angry with you, or to rebuke you.
Though the mountains leave their place and the hills be shaken, My love shall never leave you nor my covenant of peace be shaken, says the LORD, who has mercy on you.
O afflicted one, storm-battered and unconsoled, I lay your pavements in carnelians, and your foundations in sapphires;
I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of carbuncles, and all your walls of precious stones.
All your sons shall be taught by the LORD, and great shall be the peace of your children.
In justice shall you be established, far from the fear of oppression, where destruction cannot come near you.
Should there be any attack, it shall not be of my making; whoever attacks you shall fall before you.
Lo, I have created the craftsman who blows on the burning coals and forges weapons as his work; It is I also who have created the destroyer to work havoc.
No weapon fashioned against you shall prevail; every tongue you shall prove false that launches an accusation against you. This is the lot of the servants of the LORD, their vindication from me, says the LORD.

Strength...

Well, my post a little while earlier sounded really bad. But just a few minutes later, I found myself hearing the song Everlasting God by lincoln brewster, and hearing him talk about Isaiah 40 and happen to read Isaiah 35 AGAIN!

Isaiah 35:

The desert and the parched land will exult; the steppe will rejoice and bloom.
They will bloom with abundant flowers, and rejoice with joyful song. The glory of Lebanon will be given to them, the splendor of Carmel and Sharon; They will see the glory of the LORD, the splendor of our God.
Strengthen the hands that are feeble, make firm the knees that are weak,
Say to those whose hearts are frightened: Be strong, fear not! Here is your God, he comes with vindication; With divine recompense he comes to save you.
Then will the eyes of the blind be opened, the ears of the deaf be cleared;
Then will the lame leap like a stag, then the tongue of the dumb will sing. Streams will burst forth in the desert, and rivers in the steppe.
The burning sands will become pools, and the thirsty ground, springs of water; The abode where jackals lurk will be a marsh for the reed and papyrus.
A highway will be there, called the holy way; No one unclean may pass over it, nor fools go astray on it.
No lion will be there, nor beast of prey go up to be met upon it. It is for those with a journey to make, and on it the redeemed will walk.
Those whom the LORD has ransomed will return and enter Zion singing, crowned with everlasting joy; They will meet with joy and gladness, sorrow and mourning will flee.
 
Isaiah 38:18-20
For it is not the nether world that gives you thanks, nor death that praises you; Neither do those who go down into the pit await your kindness.
The living, the living give you thanks, as I do today. Fathers declare to their sons, O God, your faithfulness.
The LORD is our savior; we shall sing to stringed instruments In the house of the LORD all the days of our life.
 
Isaiah 40:28-31
Do you not know or have you not heard? The LORD is the eternal God, creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint nor grow weary, and his knowledge is beyond scrutiny.
He gives strength to the fainting; for the weak he makes vigor abound.
Though young men faint and grow weary, and youths stagger and fall,
They that hope in the LORD will renew their strength, they will soar as with eagles' wings; They will run and not grow weary, walk and not grow faint.

Tests of faith

What do I do? The car has another problem again. Can't start. For no reason. It was working well last night. And this simple small problem to me is like ever huge. The message at YAM tonight was good, say to your problem, "problem, I have a big God"... put God in persepctive, first, and we'll see that everything else is not as big as before.

But therein lies the struggle of faith. It is like struggling for air while having a cramp in the ocean. You wish there was a life buoy somewhere nearby but there is none. You have to depend on time, for the cramp to disappear on it's own, and you're wrecking your brain for an immediate solution, all the while, gasping for breath.

I think it is true when Gavin/Sury says that there is special grace during this time of Lent, where God reveals things even more, things that relate to Him being our saviour, our Lord, our God, our Father. I feel that this whole car incidents not one but over the whole CNY, till now, is telling me something... but it is an awful feeling because I still can't let go of it.

What? -- Fear. The fear of failing, disapproval, doing the wrong thing. Failing to drive safely, the disapproving comments of others, or just plainly how to react to negative circumstances. I think I fail in all areas. This is such a depressing feeling.

Today I fear again. What to do with the car? I can just tell my dad, run to daddy! But i am afraid. Why? Not because of him perhaps, but because I don't want to be seen at fault, I don't want to be wrong, I don't want to be the one who did something and caused the car. Seriously, I hate it. I hate it when things like this happens.. and then there's no one to blame.

And i feel like a little child again. Issues that does not seem fit for my age plague me again. Just tell dad. What's wrong with that? I just don't like it.

Sigh. feeling like a little child again... isn't it.

It's this time also that one feels like having a close someone to confide in. And I am also uber cynical. What's there to spend a whole life with someone if there isn't love?

I don't feel i could love anyone forever.

ARGH.

Being Single with Intentionality?

This article was quite inspiring, i so agree with all the comments below as well!

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Being Single with Intentionality 
By Lauren Sheehan

Glow-in-the-dark Putt-Putt, laser tag, make-your-own ice cream sundaes and skee ball. A teenager’s dream, right? The funny thing is, these activities are not a part of a teenybopper’s weekend schedule—they are actual events I have attended as an adult in singles’ ministry. While I have been reluctantly traipsing through dark, musty rooms clutching a laser gun, some of my married friends have been hosting dinner parties, having cookouts and building face-to-face community. Although I might have left with a Chinese yo-yo bought with my skee ball winnings, my married friends left with a deeper sense of belonging.

Because I’m single, is it assumed that I automatically enjoy perpetual icebreakers? Am I not ready to graduate to the land of sophistication and supper clubs, or is this just the fate of a woman who has failed in the dating department? Somehow, these self-deprecating ideas don’t mesh with what I know to be true about the way God loves me. So, how then, does a single person navigate through this season, finding appropriate amounts of community while not subjecting themselves to feeling as though they are stuck in the land of lock-ins? My answer to this has been intentionality.

READ MORE

I like one of the comment by "Lori" which says:
...My time is now. Just because I'm not married yet does not mean that my life isn't full of opportunities to follow God. In fact there are probably several things that I can do now that I wouldn't have the opportunity to do if I was married. It certainly doesn't mean I'm any less busy than a married person, but I do feel a little freer.

And another one by "Brianne":
... I have a full and vibrant life despite my single status, and I'm just as interested in building community as my married friends. A lot of churches don't have singles' ministries at all, and the ones who do oftentimes treat them like a Christian dating service. It's good to know that there are other singles out there who are trying to make their walk work in this couples-oriented world.


Cheers to Singlehood!

JOY of being Alive!

how is it possible?

Last week, maybe cos of the adjustment and trip over SYdney, there were momentarily highs and lows. But spiritually, it was super low. It was full of fear, worry and weariness.

Then we had our youth gathering on 27 FEB Saturday called Alive!

Then come this week, i've been rather happy, light, feeling free from stress. But also, there is a certain peace within.

Is it just a matter of stress?

Or is this spiritual warfare? Like they always say, before an impending activity that is for God, there will always be a certain kind of tribulation, trials, low-moments.

I'd liken it to prayer. I think my prayer last week was "Lord prepare me, to be a sanctuary, pure and holy, tried & true, with thanksgiving, I'll be a living, sanctuary, for you"....

Then this week, my prayer is answered. God has freed me from the tendency to want to sin and be apart from Him... He has come near, he has answered my prayer. I can pray. I can sing a song of praise. I don't feel "sad" or "hypocritical" while singing a song of praise. It comes from the bottom of my heart. A feeling of humbleness, dependency on God, and an awe and reverence of the Lord my Saviour.

What is this feeling at all, if not the Holy Spirit working within me?

;)