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For you have been called to live in freedom--not freedom to satisfy your sinful nature, but freedom to serve one another in love. Galatians 5:13
The more you devote yourself to obeying God, the more freedom you'll find. This is one of many intriguing paradoxes in the Bible.
Today I was just singing this song... "Love You So Much"... in my own words... ahahahaaa... it went like this...: Lord I love you, Help me please ("Lord I love you, my soul sings" -- was the actual words)
It's so difficult, tell me what it means (in your presence carried on your wings)
What is right, Lord? (love you so much)
What is wrong, Lord? (Jesus)
I dont' know Lord... (love you so much) Why? This is in response to all the differing views in the world today. How do we know who, or what is right? Who do we follow? Even followers of Jesus differ in their opinions. It's seriously mind-baffling. I can't understand it. The only thing I know is that Jesus looks at my heart. And my heart loves Jesus. Is there anything else that matters? I am still trying to live HIS commandments, because Jesus said, whoever loves me must keep my commandments... or must think of others, die for your brother... that kind of stuff. So then... why do people look at other things? what is most important? the external, or the internal? If my heart loves Jesus, what else matters? Why is our styles of worship... so different to each person? More 'actual' lyrics from the song:
How my soul longs for you,
Longs to worship you forever,
in your power and majesty
Lift my hands, lift my heart,
Lift my voice towards the heavens..
For you are my sun and shield...
:
I listened to Don Moen's song, - Hiding Place - today. Somehow, the words really make me all muffy inside. It's like... God... i really need Your Mercy and Grace,.. yes, i really need it. Our god is an awesome God - he is also a hiding place for all our pain, confusion, turmoil, etc. People may wonder, because I am a nice girl, not much to feel pain or confused about. But it's not whether we are a nice person on the outside. Inside, we are all the same. We have the condition of the original sin. All our evil thoughts, and selfish desires, come from the heart too. So we can be both sinful, and good (outwardly) at the same time. I remember last saturday's session at YAM, where we had a deep worship time. I believe, I had a little vision - a thunderstorm... rain... heavy rain... i could even smell the rain.. see the dark sky with lightning flashing across... and then i heard God's voice.. he said, "I will wash you clean". When He speaks, you know it. You just know it. I started tearing immediately... Perhaps, I also need a renewal... a fresh start again after all the years of ministry, weariness, jadedness.. bitterness... perhaps, God will also wash me clean through His Mercy and Grace... The mark of Christianity is yes, what we do and our behaviour, but it is also largely, the inward turn of our hearts to jesus... yielding to the Father, so that our lives can be lived for His purposes and not our own. When we cannot comprehend that... we are like broken strings in the orchestra.. not being put to full use, because we had chosen to be separated. Sigh... why is it all so abstract? Why can't people really just understand God is God? and why can't we all just come together, to worship the Lord, and be blessed, and be filled... and be happy? Why do people find happiness besides God? Why? I feel the pain... God came and died for us, but we do not know Him...
At Keith & Tricia's wedding at chijmes on 29 march:
Heh.. the dressing up part just made up for all the bad sound acoustics and audience in the hall. It was a fun night, which got us all wacked out the next day. Being a performer is really fun actually - you are in a different world. For that brief moment, you take on a new personality. Isn't that something I always dream of doing -- going to a different place.. hah..  Presenting Cordas Quad!
It feels like spring --- at least... maybe I feel in a very Spring mood. Maybe it's the fashion festival going on. But highly unlikely considering me? Maybe it's YAM's may events coming up that is going to be titled "Re:NEW". Nevertheless, with every new spring, the winds of the seasons change... and some of the old dies with it. I forget -- how it feels like to be really down. I forget how it feels like to be cynical and angry. It's like - blown away. I feel sad and poignant sometimes. But I feel like i'm in control, like i know and consciously choose to act the way I do... Well, so much for that. Just on monday, i got a comment that I may be stressed - though i never thought it was showing on my face. SIGH. Well, last night, I dreamt i crashed the car. SO perhaps, these 'feelings' of control and peace sometimes wage battle with the rational mind in me... which is difficult, also lazy, and ironically, also idealistic and perfectionist. Anyway... i have been sleeping really late the past few days, trying to do a freelance design lobang. It's pretty draining. Especially since i'm already tired when I start work on it at around 9-10pm. Man. This aint' it. Slog so hard for just another few hundred bucks.. i mean, it's good pocket money, but in the long-term, this aint' it. So what is? Frankly I still don't know. I don't quite care so much what people think. But i think that what i'm most angry about is that even now, i still don't know what I want. Have I been brought up in such a comfortable sheltered life that it proves no reason to really think hard about my life path, direction, and work? Or is my passion in life really that simple? If it were, i wouldn't be facing conflicting feelings that vary between extremes of jaded-contentment... or dreamy-ambition... both sounds bad. Jaded, dreamy... its like i don't quite know what I want so i am carrying on wherever I am but still dreaming of the perfect day or wondering what is that perfect thing that I wanna be doing. I can rave all about God and say that it is my passion to do God's work. But of course, that does not mean I must become a church worker. So that is out of the issue right? What then? Am i so repressed that I don't know myself? So well hidden even from my own understanding? Frankly, the whole issue is to do with my slow-decision making, lack of resolute ambition in what I really want to do, and willingness to just cruise on in life. I fear some big change, and I find solace in my leisure activities. That's a vicious cycle now isn't it? It's like waht they call co-dependent relationships - when referring to how people relate/depend on one another. A negative behaviour, depends on the negative behaviour of another person, and there is no positive change because 2 wrongs does not make one right.. it just spirals out of control.. hmmm.. I feel very cheem tonight.
Just watched this today. It's really worth a watch. After a bit of initial cringes, I got to really like the stories, characters and the messages throughout the play. Unlike some reviews, i found i could still stomach the so-called violent scenes and profanity. Talk about being diluted with the cultures of today. It got me thinking, and that is a good thing... When I came home, I had to get online immediately, just to read more reviews. Though, those didn't really clarify some of the questions I have in my mind ;) Anyway, in my search around, I found a phrase used to describe the Pillowman that somehow stuck in my head... It went like - This was a show able to " afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted..." Somehow, that statement sums it quite a bit for my experience tonight... And maybe at the end of the day, it is up to the viewer's interpretations after all... For me, in watching, I felt that one was left hoping for some comfort for the characters, some justice. You'd sympathise with the situation. You'd pray for less of a tragedy. In the end, I was satisfied. But a bittersweet aftertaste remains - wasn't there any happiness at all? Is the quest for an ideal the most important thing in life? or to leave a legacy? Is there no hope of salvation? Lastly, it totally paints a horrific picture of "parents" or whatever they were supposed to symbolise. The society? the nation? perhaps it could be taken that far? But i'm not going into any lengthy debate. in fact, i think i'll lose track halfway wahhaa... But I still do have some thoughts using a less literary-critic approach (which i so am not): I might actually draw some lessons from this play -- that ultimately, while there is good meaning in expressing one's pain and hurt through catharsis in writing, or other medium, there is no real alleviation from the pain. In other words, and in my own practical, christian, real-world terms -- art can be both a "healing" method, while it can also NOT be. and Art can refer to anything from writing, music, painting/images, to drama or expression.. To experience any relief from our pain and trauma, there needs to be healing. The fact that the play highlights anything BUT that - is understandable coz it is a play after all and we don't expect them to go all moralistic and christian with people. But, I like one bit really very much despite how twisted it became = that it brings out perfectly well the love of the brothers - which really touched me. But it was truly bittersweet.
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