Jan's finally over..

January has been a hectic month.. yet I don't feel that i've done very much.... managed to settle the beginnings for YAM and Olpsorchestra, and had volunteered to do saccre youth website on top of yam's still-pending website & olps youth e-newsletter..

And january's been all about proving myself.. at work - finding what i really can do or cannot do... and feeling shitty coz i thought my work was mediocre.

But... I'm CONFIRMED!

The first thing my mktg director said is that "I'm glad you didn't leave!" Perhaps she thought that I'd leave coz of whatever factors? but the office is a good place to be in.. right now and I still wanna stay!! no leaving for me yet! I still have so much to learn.

Meanwhile,..

I know it's one thing to depend on God, but this question still bothers me --- If I say: God lead me, DO I still need to consciously put thought & effort into the things I'm doing? Yes right? But if i do so, it's more like I lead myself -- using my own judgements and logic to decide on whether I should or not do something. And God is not being in the picture. And isn't that how people live their lives? I'm talking about my parents, people around me, christians, catholics.. we just live our lives and then when we pray, we ask God,.. bless us- make everything go alright. Is this the way it should be?

or is there a grey area in between?

Somehow i'm not convinced. There's more to depending on God than that! But i know that God is teaching me - in His time. Lots of discernment and "walking with the Holy Spirit" involved, that people who are not in ministry will not even bat an eyelid to think about.

Maybe that's what peeves me.

Call that ugly self-righteousness taking place... seesh. I need a quiet CNY.

I wanna see Paradise..

My impression of paradise... aka what i want to see when i die..

haha.. of course.. it's Jesus first and foremost..

But if you watched "What Dreams May Come" acted by Robbin Williams, the first place you go to is the land where your dreams exist - where you are YOU.

My impresion of paradise - is a wide & huuggeeee meadow with beautiful flowers, butterflies and birds chirping... and the broad vast expanse of sky... and cloud formations.. aww. lovely.

God's peace is tangible!

Was walking home today from the bus 36 stop.. 2 bus stops away. Quite a distance. My new shoe was giving me a bit of strain - it's good but still not seasoned -

I was moody. Yup i had a haircut, and I bought yet another shoe to add on to my miserable collection. But yeh.. i was still moody.. why? I keep thinking about how I don't think i'm performing really well at work. I think i'm just mediocre - average, and i worry and fear.

Why? Is it because of that 'perfectionist' attitude in me? All along in school, i believe i had the mindset that if I'm not the best, i'm no where.. perhaps that's why, since JC it's like.. the feeling like.. i'm 'no where' in society.

So i thought - God give me some peace..!!!

And then... i walked. And sang.. "My greatest love is you". .. and my thoughts just drifted away and was occupied by the sights along the way.

But after a while of walking.. mid-way at Laguna Park area, i 'suddenly' felt a surge from within.. like a load lightening and the thought - "Why worry?" and I felt like praising God! and I felt a feeling like what I'd feel during worship - but this time.. i was walking. simply walking.

So i praised God! :) And i started humming in my head "Everything is beautiful.. in its own way.."

On reflection now, i can say - God's peace is tangible - You actually FEEL it.

That's why I'm so happy to know God. happy=blessed.

Memoirs of a Geisha

I liked the show!

Dun know why people don't quite like it? In itself, the plot was wholesome, and the art direction beautiful. Pace was good, and acting was great! I do like Zhang ziyi! despite some bad rep. Especially the little girl too who acted as the young "Chiyo". Cute names too.

This show could make it into one of my favourite movies of the year! Something like the pianist. Long and draggy kinda show - which tells you the whole life of a person - spanning years - man how come i like these kinda shows?

Oh well.. i like it if it has a good ending and if it develops the character and this show certainly did! It was poignant and heart wrenching at times.. and had good soundtrack. So I don't mind watching again to catch all the little bits. But it may be too slow to watch again - nevertheless, it's still better than Titanic. wahhaahaha!

Eugene's 21st Party

Eugene is 21! I'm so happy for him. It was a great party, and had a good chat and catch up with Paul & Sury.., talking about so many things under the "moon" (it was a perfect half-moon tonight) & playing with Benji, Eugene's dog, and juggling KAMs with Audrey.. haha!

What makes me sit up tonight is this - that there's still so much more to go with the Lord. Once we think we actually know God and are walking with Him, the next thing we find is - maybe not really. It's like God is elusive. Yet we know, He promises us that He's always there and will never leave us.

And in ministry it's so easy to cruise by and be happy about receiving, or just doing our basic duties, or performing our roles, even if it means using our gifts.. - but sometimes, when we go into the behind-the-scenes, we realise that there's so much more things to consider & discern - and there's a seriousness about it all - because afterall, we're all in a spiritual battle between Good and Evil... and being ignorant of this all will just mean we're not quite effective soldiers!

There's so many people with so many agendas, beliefs, stands, morals, it's just so hard to justify one particular one, and all so easy to become too accepting of it all - under the name of 'tolerance' or 'freedom' or 'truth is relative'.

It's something I might never be able to truly grasp. or argue out. But i understand it... or at least the gist.. and am somewhat provoked to think deeper.

But well.. my main thought as i go to sleep tonight is that i just want to seek God's grace even more - know His Will even more.. and want His guidance in my life even more! So much! Even serving in Church is not as great as soaking in the Presence of the Lord. And it's that presence that I hunger and thirst for.

I thank God that I'm able to have this faith.. for faith is a gift from God. I thank God that i can recognise my hunger for Him and not think that I need to fulfill myself with more and more earthly things that do not truly satisfy.

Amen!

Rantings about office, yoga, music, god..

The mind is a mysterious thing. I wrote one whole chunk of blog just 5 mins ago, but upon reading it.. i decided - nah - i shall not publish it. What's the matter with me?

Haha..! anyway...

Let me talk about the office - I had a scare on Wednesday coz i thought it was my 3-month review. Why should i have been scared? I wonder. But anyway, it's good i have a few more days to plan out my thoughts and buck up the confidence.

Meanwhile, I went for my first yoga at california gym on Wednesday and it was pretty nice.. great stretching.. all those moves.. i love the music.. the new age kinda music..

Which reminds me.. recently i've been thinking of Kitano - anyone remember? Kitano? i dunno what to call his music - japanese folk tunes? new age? and then the soundtrack for Mononoke Hime (princess mononoke) comes into mind as well.. and i drift off into my own world.... it's so amazing.. the power of music.. and somehow i still like music that sounds edgy or sad or poignant.. regretful, whatever. Hmmm.. you can hear those music samples here already.. oops.

I've progressed somehow from JC old days of creed and three doors down. At least now i don't dwell in it when i'm feeling down. But rather i have an interesting dream - to play it (violin) - or rather - to see it convey a story more deeper than the music - for example, in a musical - or something - to lead people to reflect on God more. hmm dream on?

Anyway, the whole point of this blogpost was to say this: How I wish I could see the church having a unified vision for youths and have a proper structure with which youths are taught and supported in their quest to know Jesus and be a God follower.

I have a terrible bias against catechism because i felt that it didn't work - or doesn't. Perhaps it was a time where spiritually i was not 'awakened'. I did not have a God experience. But i truly believe that there still isn't enough support in the catholic church where this area is concerned. And i feel like.. so now we are working so hard because we feel this is an area we need to work on - to 'save' our youths.. and i just feel like.. MAN! It's like walking against the river tide - whereby if you just flow with the river - nothing is changed.. and we'll go back to point zero.. the bottom.

Then again - I am not a catechist and i don't know what they actually face and whether these feelings are justified.

So well.. I shall not worry myself too much.

I'll just let God and.... Let God! God will make a way.. where there seems to be no way... He works in ways, we cannot see, He will make a way for me! He will be my guide, hold me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new day, He will make a way... He will make a way!!...

Proverbs 3:6"In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. "

True Selves

Ironically, i had to think of what to blog today. It seems that the more i know that people might be reading what i'm writing, I start hiding my true self once again and begin to blog about things that are simply superficial, mundane, and happy.

Not that my true self is overly deep, and not happy. But it's just the question of honesty. I feel like i don't know what to write.

So i put the topic as "True Selves". What are our true selves? When we get happy, the next few days, we get sad - when we achieve something, the next few days later, we're back to normal and don't feel great at all. Perhaps this is my true self - the weak self.

And it's true that God really helps. God's real. And God's King of all kings.

Why do I say this? Not being over pious. A pious person could never say that because the pious person may worship on the outside, but inside, not really truly worship God at all!

What God looks at is our hearts. Our heart of hearts. And what is it?

All i know is that our hearts are sinful. From our hearts sprout evil desires and therefore, we neeed JESUS more than ever to cleanse us inside out.

That's why my blogs are all about JESUS!

If you pronounce JESUS as "Heh Sus" (Where the "J" becomes a "H") - philippine style, it becomes HSUS = HE SAVES OUR SOULS!

And yes,

ON the light hearted side, i'm back early for once.. and enjoying a great dinner. Feeling a bit mundane at work, but happy that it's not stressing me out. I've got 3-4 books on copywriting but they're still on the shelf. Reading books just aint my habit nowadays.

I've got the Saccre card to re-design. It seems it's on the shelf too and i tend to procrastinate till my mood suddenly turns and I suddenly feel like doing it. That could take weeks.

I've got YAM on my mind. Pretty exciting. And I've determined to give it my best.

I've got olps orchestra on my mind.. wonder and hope that we can really produce good music.

And so I guess that's pretty enough for now. I probably want a nice good early sleep. Oh yes, not to forget, I feel empowered day by day when I take charge of my life. BUT EVEN MORE SO, when I let GOD take charge of my life.

When God is in charge, I know that I'm not living my life out of pride or conversely, fear or insecurity. I know that I am firmly in His hands.

Amazing that even after this knowledge, i can still feel jittery in the bus when going home,.. wondering where God is and whether I'm really doing things right or am I fanatically wrong. 2 sides of the coin. 2 ways to view my passion for God. What is the truth?

For me i'd stick to Jesus. Because I have "seen" His glory and witnessed His transforming power, His peace, His love. No more arguments. No more doubts.

So then. Jesus is my goal.

What's yours?

Why not Jesus? Because He's some figment of literature, history or?

To me Jesus is God... He's the saviour of our souls.. He gives you the peace you never can get from the World. He gives purpose to your life. He is the great Almighty creator of the universe..

I just love Jesus.. this much.

soo happy

God He Reigns indeed.

Just had a meeting for the olps orchestra and I'm so blessed. The church head-priest is really keen and helpful and he gave us a great idea.

We could play for TAIZE!

ANd i thought.. wow.. i never ever thought about that!

And there was I cringing my head the past few weeks wondering what we could do (since we don't have full strength and expertise). But now i believe, step by step, the orchestra will build up nicely!

TAIZE.

TAIZE.

TAIZE.

Mmmmmmm.. meditative.. perfect for violins.. eh!

It's like.. a renewed confidence to do the things that we planned to do anyway, but lacked the spirit. Now with Father's approval and blessing, I'm more certain.

And so happy. bursting with delight.

The thought of doing taize - not too demanding like setting up a full-blown orchestra - and yet it's spiritual and we can invite people and benefit others..

is simply wonderful..

Freezing

I'm freezing in office.

Dum di dum di dum...

Rainy Days good to sleep

Interestingly, i managed to do up a webpage for olps orchestra. Take a look: www.olpsorchestra.com.

A little magic

Sometimes one gets so mundane - with all the dailies, that one needs to get far away like those magical make-believe fairylands.. and just enjoy the magic of imagination.

One of my joys - besides cute bunnies - is like Peter Pan's world - Neverland.. or *some*land.. whatever land it is.. it's just so exciting to let your dreams flow and just create each new day.

Just like the magical faraway tree where you have a different land at the top of the tree, each day I close my eyes and dream up a new dream.. wondering what's for me the next day.

So now.. all i long for is a beautiful dream..

I so do want to immerse myself in a fairytale story - a book? a movie? they seem to be too short. Not enough movies can satisfy my hungry soul. What then? What am i really dreaming about?

Maybe just like all dreams - we become someone else... we become someone free.. we start living the life we want to, and each day is an adventure.

Somehow, i'd like one that does not have the responsibilities and reality behind it. Man.. how nice it'd be to be a kid again! I wanna jump in the clouds and fly over the city and eat candy and lollipops. and have beautiful music playing .. and just be laughing every day...

YOU KNOW WHO I SHOULD BE?

CUPID!!! Wahahahah!

And that means, i can shoot arrows too! hahaa..

And which, by the way, talking about bunnies - I just remembered I had some favourite toys when i was young - Bugs Bunny & Pink Panther! GOSH!!!!

CUTEST Bunny ever!!

I just love the bunnies in Wallace & Gromit! They're ADORABLE!!!!!

They're just so CLUELESS!!! hahahaa!

GO watch the show.. it's wacko silly & fun. Not exasperating as Kungfu Hustle. Nothing comes close to That. So it should be a safe movie to watch. haha!

Great start of the year!

The day has been kind to me. I'm so glad to be back in office.. simply because the people have made it so wonderful. I'm so glad. So so glad. It was terrific giving out belated X'mas presents doubled up as New Year presents HAHA.. felt like Santarina..

Whatever, God

I just get frustrated thinking of all the things I wanna do for God and that it is so difficult getting the team going or even the ideas. plus all the doubts I face as well.

Sharing them with people --> Do they wanna hear? Can I really express them well enough to impress others?
Implementing them --> Do I have the team? Do they think I'm being a workaholic?
Seeing it through --> Do we have the energy?

It becomes so easy to live life just for fun, pleasure, ourselves, to achieve this or that. New year celebrations comes and goes, it's over. Maybe God does want us to enjoy the journey. True. I am enjoying every minute of it. But Satisfaction is only for that minute. Why it seems? Why am i not fulfilled?

Because I want to do so many MORE things for God. But then again... it brings me to ponder even deeper, why am i left STILL hungry.

Perhaps, it's really not what I DO for Him.

Perhaps, it's really just being there in the Presence of the Lord that I want. AND I really believe so.

So then, what will happen next? I just have to patiently depend on God's signal. IF He moves, ALL ELSE moves. I don't have to fret in frustration as I am doing now.

How i wish I could command God to Move --- GOD! Move!

But then.. that would be fulfilling MY agendas isn't it?

How mighty God is.. and How sovereign is He... he makes us (Me) feel so helpless that we can only depend on HIM!

That is only if I recognise that all HE wants is simply my obedience... not being a smart proud aleck who thinks I can do many big projects and please Him.

And while the world thinks it's stupidity.. God thinks it is wise. Waiting on the Lord isn't so bad after all. But Lord, i'd only just begun. Speak Lord, I am listening..


Whatever
by Steven Curtis Chapman, album 'Speechless'

I made a list, wrote down from A to Z
All the ways I thought that You could best use me
Told all my strengths and my abilities
I formed a plan it seemed to make good sense
I laid it out for You so sure You'd be convinced
I made my case, presented my defense
But then I read the letter that You sent me
It said that all You really want from me is just

Whatever, whatever You say
Whatever, I will obey
Whatever, Lord, have Your way'
Cause You are my God, whatever

So strike a match, set fire to the list
Of all my good intentions, all my preconceived ideas
I want to do Your will no matter what it is
Give me faith to follow where You lead me
Oh, Lord, give me the courage and the strength to do ...

I am not my own
I am Yours and Yours alone
You have bought me with Your blood
Lord, to You and You alone do I belong
And so whatever