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Today - the blog is titled 'heart'.. The heart is so many things, fragile? emotional? strong? etc..
Just watched Nodame 2 today...soo sweet. Yet, it strikes a chord with me deeply. Nodame searches for her own path in life rather than following chiaki - ultimately she finds it... and rises up to the challenge of 'living life' and pursuing her dreams. I am finding myself in a similar predicament... but not so romantically... more like, it's really an ideal.
It makes me think, what am I searching for? In life, what are we pursuing? Aren't I facing the music head on? Facing life, doing what I should be doing, now then, how come sometimes, it never seems enough?
And yet, like Nodame, I think she is doing all that she does, because of love. I wonder, whether I will ever have that kind of love for someone. The feeling that it may never happen to me, is quite painful.
Oh well, then again, I put up all the walls around me and don't let anyone near, or let myself go near anyone. Why? Why? Why?
Everyone is searching for that special someone... I just see it everyone... we all long for someone to be close to, share similar dreams, passions, goals, hobbies, fun, interests, etc.
When I think about it, I find that maybe I am ok by my own. But I dun know if it's just whether i am putting up that strong exterior... whether my heart truly longs for a special person to share dreams with?
In any case, the practical side of me, says, it's better to be alone. There is less trouble. Less pressure. Less requirement to love. Maybe i take comfort in that too.
I know my dreams have meaning.
What is love?... isn't it acceptance of a person, despite right or wrong, good or bad... that's Love isn't it? We love the person, hate the sin. We have to find it in ourselves to love beyond our mental logic sometimes. Love entails saying sorry, acknowledgeing our mistakes. Love brings peace. Love also means letting go of hurts and wrong. So it is hard indeed. But Jesus loves us despite us not loving him a lot of times.... so sometimes, I find that because of that, I can love others in return and not get angry at all. In fact, when I get angry it is either because I am moody, or I see people not being serious about God, or when I meet with people without integrity, saying one thing and not living up to their promises. I really dislike that.
Next thought... I realise I cannot run away when there is a war (of emotions, issues, ongoing strife). Yes, it may be peaceful so far, but what is peace? It is maybe just denial. True peace is being ONE with God and free from this world.... That's why we RIP...
I realise the need for intercessory... not for ourselves, but for the raging "wars" around us... unforgiveness, hurt, wounds, anger, which are a result of lack of love going around.
At the same time, I realise that by overlooking other's faults, we are also loving. One cannot love if one judges or expects perfection. Only GOD can give perfect love. No one on earth can.
I realise, I am only an instrument on this earth - that God can use... if I want him to use me.
I realise, that if I am in Christ, like the apostle simon peter, we may one day be led where we don't want to go... the narrow path, the cross, to pick up the cross... and "die" to ourselves...
I feel the suffering of the world... it is heavy.
I wonder, can life be so worldly, yet so spiritual? I think these two are poles apart. For that matter, I find that I finally have a stand. I do not agree with the prosperity gospel - though how much I have accepted it in the past.
The path to christ, is one of suffering - yet suffering brings peace. Love is not always easy. Yet Love is the only way to go.
I dreamt of our family searching for a round table to sit in - because the one we had had a triangular shape which was hard to communicate. I dreamt of my sis wearing a nice sunny blue hat... with a nice tan... There was another person in white hat.. mama? Then I dreamt too that I was wearing a light blue top... and was lamenting that I didn't have a blue hat... haha.. I was at a buffet... but forgot to take some food, telling myself that I'd come back later... Then we went to find the table.
Table (from www.dreammoods.com)
To see a table in your dream, represents social unity and family connections. If the table is broken, wobbly or not functional, then it suggests some dissension in a group. It may also refer to a sense of insecurity. Perhaps there is something you cannot hold inside any longer and need to bring it out in the open.
What is this table symbolising? In my dream, I had a sense of myself seeking better communication (like Round means can talk and see each other better) - Round also symbolises GOD (like a wedding ring) - that it is eternal... never ending...
What do I do next? Pray God tell.
Today I feel like blogging! hehe.. It's been sometime since the last post. Ok, what's the latest updates?
Goal setting - This weekend I learnt or remembered about goal setting and having SMART goals. Got me inspired to do the same training with the youth ministry. If we want to fulfil our dream, we need to make suitable plans... so now, what's happened to my plasn? SO many dreams and a lot of haphazard plans!
Too many commitments - I still feel like i've too many commitments. Within 1 week, i've gotta attend youth mtgs, YAM mtg, Jap class, and now also there's Young Adult ministry, Shakuhachi practice (fun only), and plus the need to practice my viola & japanese still each week (which i've consistently failed to do so). Hahaha.. Notice ensemble is already almost out of the picture... it's one of the fading commitments... but recently we talked about playing with Holy Fam again - and I think it may come back again - at least for Advent. I need to have a commitment to eating healthily and to excercise, but seems there's absolutely no time for that.. maybe need to stop all those couch-potato activities like all my j-dorama & anime? sigh... hmm.. so lazy.
Today
I went for young adult ministry and gave a little sharing on our Love-o-meter, from what we heard from YAM's session yesterday. It was really fun to share with others about God and get them interested to improve their relationship with God. I really feel passionate about this and that despite how lowly I think of myself, God may have some plan for me - that all will never be gone, despite how I think about how one day I will just go bonkers, quit church, quit everything, etc.etc. In fact, we are so excited to meet up next week, coz we're going for high-tea!!!
CSAA
I am so blessed with this community - the Catholic Students Apostolate Alumni (aka ~ 2004-2009-ish batches). Yup... they're mostly junior than me (what's new) --- and provide companionship each month for dinner or nights out. I am just happy to have friends there - or that I had the courage to go put myself there and make friends.
With all the things happening, there's been a question in my head - I have all that I need, what else do I lack? I lack nothing. I no need to worry for anything. I can just sit back and enjoy life. With this privilege, this kind of luxury, then, what am I going to do with my life next? Am I going to just sit back and enjoy life as what I've always loved to do? Or is there something I Must do?
I don't know, and i'm tempted to not do anything. Don't change the status quo. LET me continue being a superwoman and do all these wonderful noble things in church, in my leisure, in my work.. etc.
But the major question that stumped me this weekend is actually so simple... here goes:
Q: If Jesus was here now in the same room with you, what would you say to him/do?
For this answer, I realise, that how much I serve in church is useless, because if I feel uncomfortable with this question - like... "oh dear, what would I actually do?" then what have I been doing in church? What have I been advocating? A relationship with Jesus? When this question makes my heart flutter with panic rather than excitement? I feel ashamed, and feel that despite having "Everything" in life, I have really nothing, if I do not know what to do in the presence of JESUS! What do I do if I were to die then - i may not even enter heaven because I am still so unworthy and "uncomfortable" because Jesus is Holy and pure! :P
Haha I like this:
I remember a new dream I had yesterday. At the start, I was in a town, but i'm a traveller also, not really a resident there but a lady came up and asked me where's the post office. I didn't really know but I tried to help her. Then turning my head, I saw it in the distance and felt rather relieved and told her, "There it is"! Apparently it's like a small post box cum flower shop selling a lot of knick knacks.
Next, I walk into a department store next to it and begin to buy 2 umbrellas coz it seems to be pouring outside (maybe just started). The lady earlier is no longer around. I wonder about how she didn't thank me (harhar). Anyway, I then walk out and seem to have used both umbrellas to shield against the heavy rain-storm. (quite reminiscent of recent weather).
Then a change of scenario in an instant -- I am now telling someone (i think my sister) something like, did you know you can walk on that path out to the ferry? It's a straight path down, rather than going around the sides.. etc. Then, I seem to be holding up a map and on the map, I can clearly see that post office, the department store and the path towards the "ferry" where I seem to have gotten out of that place (an island?).
Towards the north of that "town" was a university campus a bit like my sister's, but in the map it was referring to "Graz (Austria)" where Pauline was studying years back (hahaha)! And furthermore, on a closer look, the map showed a lot of swimming pools! Haha.. maybe I thought it was quite fun (yah, coz we visited Pauline in 2005, to have fun there!). Man, what a mish-mash of items in this dream....!
Then finally, someone (i don't know who, maybe Gavin) was now telling me that it's funny how the simpler looking item is really the most difficult (this is quite hard to explain by writing, it's very crazy, as with all my remembered dreams!).
So, now looking at some "meaning" of the symbols in this dream, it seems it leads to some conclusion - the need to wash away past troubles, be cleansed, and also the struggle dealing with emotions perhaps! Here's some symbol explanations taken from dreammoods.com that I felt did match my thoughts and feelings as I was dreaming on this:
Post Office
To dream that you are in a post office, signifies an important message from your unconscious or inner wisdom. It may relate to your need to reach out and communicate with others. Alternatively, the dream means that you are trying to maintain your beliefs or reestablish contact with someone from your past.
Umbrella
To see an umbrella in your dream, symbolizes emotional security. You are putting up a shield against your emotions and are trying to avoid dealing with them.
Path
To walk through an open path in your dream, signifies clarity of thought and peace of mind. It also symbolizes your progress. To see a blocked or windy path in your dream, denotes that you need to give serious attention to the direction you are heading in your personal and/or business life. You need to take time out to consider and rethink the consequences before acting on your choices.
(Man this was RAINY!)
Ferry
... mean that you are going through some transitional phases in your life.
Map
To see or study a map in your dream, suggests that your current life path will lead to fulfillment of your needs and realization of your goals. It also indicates that you are set on the path to self knowledge and self discovery.
Swimming Pool
To see a swimming pool in your dream, symbolizes relaxation, calmness, luxury and ease. You need to take a break. Alternatively, a swimming pool suggests that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. You need to cleanse yourself and wash away those past hurts. (In this dream, it felt more like the relaxation and enjoyment part).
I think one significant part was the last part - how the simpler looking thing is actually most difficult to do. It could mean a lot of things - like the simple act of forgiveness. Or the simple act of doing the right thing. But that is just so hard to do.
Overall, I can see that in this dream, I am firstly desiring to "help someone who is lost". But after I do so, I have to weather a storm (and use 2 umbrellas haha). Then after passing this phase, I can relax and tell others of how they could have done it - and I find enjoyment (swimming pool).
OK, that's enuff for now, my latest dream analysis thus far.
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