Posting this song again "Desperate People" by Hillsongs United - as listening to it today takes on a new meaning (again!) - as also compared with the previous blog post..
Lyrics:
You cross the great divide, You took our place
You offered up Your life, for we have failed
The veil was torn and love remained
You are holy Lord
Distraction costs us, how we seek Your face
We offer up our lives to bring You praise
A love the walls cannot contain
You are holy Lord
Sam: The walls that we build up around ourselves, are broken down by God's Love
We're rising up in spirit and in truth
A living sacrifice we worship You
People undivided Lord hear us sing
We are Yours and You are our King
Truth hurts - but when we stand on it, we rise up - We come closer to Jesus who is Truth... out into the light..
This is our love
Hearts joined as one
Desperate for all You are
Lord break down these walls
And see how we love
Desperate for all You are
We chase Your heart
We didn't come to leave here entertained
Or worship under any other name
We're crying out for You alone
You are holy Lord
We're rising up in spirit and in truth
A living sacrifice we worship You
People undivided Lord hear us sing
We are Yours and You are our king
This is our love
Hearts joined as one
Desperate for all You are
Lord break down these walls
And see how we love
Desperate for all You are
We chase Your heart
Show us the way to Your heart
We found our voice
We found our cause
We're on our knees, the carpet's worn
We join our hearts
With distant shores sing to You Lord
When the lost sheep is found - they know where they are headed. For me, I know I need God, so I must not give up - must continue to praise and sing to Him for we are made to worship God.
This is our love
Hearts joined as one
Desperate for all You are
Lord break down these walls
And see how we love
Desperate for all You are
This is our love
Hearts joined as one
Desperate for all You are
Lord break down these walls
And see how we love
Desperate for all You are
We chase your heart
We chase your heart
Very nice event - great talks and powerful prayers with Bob faricy & Cheryl (surname i dunno) - on many types of healing and empowerment.
After the rally I had to get my car which was stuck in the carpark, and decided to run off home. I dunno, after attending most rallies, I am always left with a bad confused aftertaste which leaves me pretty unsociable. The internal mind and heart are fighting against each other. My heart says praise God, my mind says - Did anything really happen? IN this state, am I in no position to go mentor younger people man... I just wanted to run away and be like Jesus who went off away from the crowds to be - alone.
Well, earlier I had a funny experience. When we were praying in our groups of 5, I was put in the middle and Fr. Faricy talked about "middle" child... I was wondering I'm not the middle child. But then again, I thought, and hey I thought maybe I am the middle child after all? Did you know my mum was due for a boy 6 years before I was born? Unfortunately that 'brother' was not born. It was a miscarriage. I wonder what kind of pain my mother had - she never talked about it. No one talks about it as far as I know. I feel a kind of bitter-sadness and can only wonder. Maybe in my growing up years and getting more chummy with mum years - I can finally ask her one day to share more things with me?
It's weird. After years of ice-block, I find that we don't know each other. A mother doesn't know her child, a child doesn't know her mother... we know, but we don't know. We wanna know, yet we don't wanna know. It's Such an irony.
We prayed earlier for healing of self-esteem. I find this issue coming up out of the carpet again. Especially as I prepare to go to Boston to see Ju, maybe large amount of self-esteem issues arise from our growing up years as teenagers... seeing Ju, and being reunited as a family, is a great idea, yet it is also a difficult thing to imagine. Will we rejoice being together, or be reminded of past hurts and old wounds?
Like Cheryl (the speaker) said, forgiveness is a matter of the "will". How can I forgive? I must will myself to do so.... then let go (instead of forget). We may never forget but we can let go. I like how "forgiveness" is a "medicine" to the wounds we have. I look at my "wounds" in me and I feel the pain of the searing knife piercing my heart - still. It's still there. I don't know when I can forgive. This is not about my sister now, it's about my current life. I don't know how I can forgive someone who doesn't want to hear my apology. The hurt is not from the issue but about not being forgiven after I've said sorry. Is my sorry not enough?
Oh well, I also hope that person forgives me if my sorry was just a sms. IN my family, we hardly say sorry to each other. But like today's talk said, we have to pray for healing from memories or things that are passed down in your family.
For us - it could be the sin of narcissicism - of wanting people to think we look good. That "ai mei, ai mei" syndrome. I so hate it but yet I so am it.
Truly, I need healing also of self-hatred, depression and all these conflicting self-depreciation.
I wanna disappear, yet I wanna be "a light" in the world - it is truly ironic.
At this stage, it is true that only when we receive from God that we can give. I am nothing - on my own, but in Christ, I can do all things.
Tonight, I was looking at some blogs of really good looking, well dressed people, and I got discouraged and asked God - is the world really about images, appearances, looking good, fab, fantastic, stylish, up-to-date, super, better than the person next to me - and is it all about being up there, with the people who are "there" and the people who have "made it" in life and so forth?
I got the answer: "I am sending you out like lambs among wolves".
A quick check on the bible and it brought me to the verse Luke 10:3 which says "Go! I am sending you out like lambs among wolves.." Amazingly, the talk title for the pentecost rally which is today (23rd May) is also titled "GO"! Seems the Lord is already speaking to me before I even go for the rally.
And I just reminisce about today, being empowered by listening to talks again on the spiritual life - how to pray, how to develop a personal relationship with Jesus (again)... I just think it's a weird thing - this desire to be used in ministry for the purpose of God.
And well, I read backwards to Luke 10:2 and I see this special verse which ALWAYS touches my heart: The Harvest is Plentiful but the Workers are few.... (Luke 10:2) Think about it -- I was born on 10th FEB! 10-02.. ho ho...
Ok but well, I realise that this mysterious desire to serve, is because simply that I am "called". WE are called by God to "work" in the fields, to work for "the harvest". This is simply to tell people about the Kingdom of God - aka,... the Good news.
Now then, how do we do that? I think that's where we catholics have a lot to learn. We are so bad at evangelising.
I ask God -- why is it so painful? To serve, yet be seen as silly and folly in the eyes of the world. They think we're just "churchy". They think we're just pious people. Why? HOW CAN WE SURVIVE in this cold and cruel world?
Jesus just tells me... "I KNOW... I DID NOT SURVIVE"! >>>
To this, I am touched that maybe, I was not built to "survive" but to just "enjoy" this time I have here & not be afraid of "the world", to just be with Jesus and walk with HIM... and let Him lead me...
Your only Son No sin to hide But You have sent Him, From Your side To walk upon this guilty sod And to become the Lamb of God
Your gift of Love They crucified They laughed and scorned him as he died The humble King They named a fraud And sacrificed the Lamb of God
Chorus: Oh Lamb of God, Sweet lamb of God I love the Holy Lamb of God Oh wash me in His precious Blood My Jesus Christ the Lamb of God
I was so lost I should have died But You have brought me to Your side To be led by Your staff and rod And to be called a lamb of God
Chorus
Oh wash me in His precious Blood My Jesus Chris the Lamb of God
Things to learn in crisis communication:
- Acknowledge don't hide
- It's not against you personally
- Everyone is right in some way, no use to argue that you are right
- Keep calm, dun stress
- Love, dun curse
- Keep humble
- Pray for the best...
It's like... any normal argument between 2 parties isn't it? Except in these cases, it could be large populations involved like a company and its public audiences.
If Adam had truly disobeyed God and Jesus is the one who made peace, then every day that we are alive is a second chance for us to make right with God through Jesus. Every day that we forget this fact, is then just a waste of time.
Life is indeed like a box of chocolates.. one day you pick a nice truffle, but the next is praline (ekk!!) And you wish everyday is Ferrero Rocher!
Some people say, imagine the end before you begin anything. In life, if we imagine the end, we probably need to be prepared to hear how we'd die. If Jesus told the disciples how they'd die before they began journeying with Him, do you think they would? If we imagine our ends, do we find ourselves terrified with the fact that we may die horribly in a car crash, or a sudden heart attack? Perhaps, the answer is to cling on less tightly to this fleeting life on earth and imagine eternity instead of "the end".... can we imagine the beginning of eternity that takes place after "the end"?
If dreams are the effect of our thoughts, then there should be 3 kinds of dreams (as with thoughts) - Godly dreams, our Own dreams, and Bad dreams. Godly Dreams are what takes us out of the mundane into the realm of faith, hope, miracles and creativity. Our Own dreams are what gives us motivation in life (to live out our 'dreams') and what we think we'd like to do. Bad dreams then counteract everything and inspire fear, dread and confusion. Are you lost in a bad dream? Jesus' mercies are new every morning.... new every morning...
When we are at wit's end, we dig deep into our heart and find only darkness and chaos. That is when a simple "Our Father" or "Hail Mary" saves the day.
I forgot most of my dream last night but I remember that I was in a room and the light was "off" and I was wondering how to make it work... I had to give it a hard knock before it flickered on again. This short segment (of the long dream which i forgot most of) kinda makes sense through this week as I re-evaluate my life and my life-plans, both spiritually and realistically... so forth... it's interesting!
Dream symbols which did mean something to me! (taken from dreammoods.com):
"Fix" - To dream that you are fixing something, indicates that you need to reevaluate and rethink a situation or relationship in your life.
"Light" - To see light in your dream, represents illumination, clear mind, guidance, plain understanding, and insight. Light is being shed on a once cloudy situation or problem. You have found the truth to a situation or an answer to a problem.... etc..
IN THE LIGHT Lyrics (DC TALK)
I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from You
I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do
What's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior
(chorus)
I wanna be in the Light
As You are in the Light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh, Lord be my Light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the Light
All I want is to be in the Light
The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control
Tell me, what's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior
(repeat chorus)
Honesty becomes me
[There's nothing left to lose]
The secrets that did run me
[In Your presence are defused]
Pride has no position
[And riches have no worth]
The fame that once did cover me
[Has been sentenced to this Earth]
Has been sentenced to this Earth
Tell me, what's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a Savior
(repeat chorus 2x)
[There's no other place that I want to be]
[No other place that I can see]
[A place to be that's just right]
[Someday I'm gonna be in the Light]
[You are in the Light]
[That's where I need to be]
[That's right where I need to be]
That's it, the latest news... I'm gonna get a Shakuhachi (Japanese Bamboo Flute) to jazz around with. For fun! Eugene's quite keen on it too ;) Hehehe... it's gonna be fun coz we're not alone. It's crazy, there's no where to learn in SG and we probably will have to go for an online lesson over Skype.. hwaha.. whatever said, I am only doing this on a whim. Maybe i'll get tired of it or not keep up but ahh well who cares!
WHY Shakuhachi? It's a bit like the Native American Flute. But I like it because I once heard a flute part in the princess mononoke soundtracks and I kept wondering "what is that sound"? Later tried to search for what kind of instrument it was, and I think it is the Shakuhachi. Then again, I am also not so sure, coz there's really no info on that ... so it could just be the normal flute. In any case Shakuhachi is interesting in that it has a history right through to Zen buddhism. Not that i'm into that, but i just like the ancient sounds... so close to nature.. and it's just a bit rare that is also what makes for the intrigue.
An interesting find of jazz shakuhachi & violin together in a weird cute-sy jazzy song...
PaoYen's suggestion -- to play Black Orpheus together... hmm if I visit HK!
Anyway, I was just reading a summary list of philosophers and their views of the meaning of life. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meaning_of_life and I was wondering which I do agree with. I think it would be these philosophers:
Aristotelianism: That what is virtuous is not just studying it, but being virtuous. What is virtuous? That every skill and inquiry, action, choice, is thought to have some good as its object, with a goal. Where everything has a goal, action A achieves goal B, but B also has a Goal, C, and so forth, it stops at the Highest Good which is its own goal. The Highest Good is not desirable for the sake of achieving some other good, and all other ‘goods’ desirable for its sake. This involves achieving eudaemonia, usually translated as "happiness", "well-being", "flourishing", and "excellence". All these are identical with the good life and successful living.
Cynicism: In the Hellenistic period, the Cynic philosophers said that the purpose of life is living a life of Virtue that agrees with Nature. Happiness depends upon being self-sufficient and master of one's mental attitude; suffering is consequence of false judgments of value, which cause negative emotions and a concomitant vicious character. The Cynical life rejects conventional desires for wealth, power, health, and fame, by being free of the possessions acquired in pursuing the conventional.[60][61] As reasoning creatures, people could achieve happiness via rigorous training, by living in a way natural to human beings. The world equally belongs to everyone, so suffering is caused by false judgments of what is valuable and what is worthless per the customs and conventions of society.
I think I'm very much just into these two. I like the Cynic ideas of rejecting conventional desires for wealth and so forth, perhaps it's coz I just feel that these things do not bring one true happiness.
Besides that, it would then be my Christian values... the idea of knowing Christ, and serving Him, Christ as a personal saviour, the concept of sin and salvation... these then take predominance.
Ok i can't go on, it is getting too cheem for my simple brain.
8 May 2010 - Esther is married! Soo happy for her!
Anyway, tonight for our session at YAM (youth arise ministry) we spent 30 minutes at the Adoration room to contemplate the blessed Eucharist, which is the body and actual presence of Christ. It's been a long time since I made my way to the Adoration room, and I told God, thank you for finally getting me here, somehow!
As I continue to reflect, my mind turns to what we just heard at the YAM session, about the Eucharist and how it is the body of Christ, the Sacred Heart of God. In one miracle it was found that the bread that we often consume during Holy Communion actually turned into flesh and the wine turned into blood. Scientific research proves that the flesh was made of muscle tissue from the heart, and blood was AB (i'm that too!). So the Eucharist we have is the actual body of Christ. Without it, our church is empty.
Anyway, there was another point that made me think - Why did the apostles preach so boldly only after their pentecost experience? It is because they received "LOVE". After even 3 years journeying with Jesus, it is not enough to make them convicted. Rather, they had to experience the infilling of the Holy Spirit, their "God-Experience" --- and this was more like a receiving of God's Love - an intimate personal revelation to them that GOD IS REAL after all!
Tonight, as I sit at the adoration room, at the start my thoughts dull and gets filled with so many other thoughts, and I slowly get sleepy. But then I hear a tune "Stop in the name of love... before you.." (hahaah) and I momentarily 'wake up' and wonder whether it is my imagination... but I remind myself that God sometimes our imaginations also to speak to us, that since I'm before Jesus himself, I shall trust that it is HIM speaking to me right there!
Next, I notice the neatly placed pots of greenery & flowers in the Adoration room, and I get a thought: - That Jesus is telling me, "I go and prepare a garden for you." and He goes on to say... "What flowers do you want?"
Just think of it... it's like how I would treat my friends... I'd take joy in giving them the things that will make them happy. So Jesus is like that too?! That extremely simple realisation makes my heart pulpitate faster... A tear begins to form in my eye. I never thought of Jesus so personally, that perhaps, I don't have to do things all the time and that sometimes He would like to do things for me?
Then the next thing that happens, I started to try to 'worship' God saying "You are beautiful Lord,"... etc. But then I have this thought, like Jesus is telling me, why do I always have to worship Him, can't I let Him tell me the same thing back too? I was astounded once again.
Then finally, there is the song which goes "HE" but this time, I sense Jesus saying it all in the first-person perspective. Once again, a new way of thinking...
HE (by Richard Mullan - James Richard) (Changing the "HE" to "I", in first-person narrative):
Jesus is saying to me...... :
"I can turn the tides and calm the angry sea
I alone decides who writes a symphony
I light every star that makes your darkness bright
I keep watch all through each long and lonely night
I still find the time to hear a child's first prayer
Saint or sinner call and always find Me there
Though it makes Me sad to see the way You live
I'll always say I forgive
I can grant a wish or make a dream come true
I can paint the clouds and turn the gray to blue
I alone knows where to find a rainbow's end
I alone can see what lies beyond the bend
I can touch a tree and turn the leaves to gold
I know every lie that you and I have told
Though it makes Me sad to see the way you live
I'll always say I forgive..."
Having a real late nite today... but good talk earlier with some good friends. It's always good to talk, banter, share, so forth. Our subject?.... from Marriage, to What-you-look-for-in-a-guy, to Past crushes and so forth... hwahaha it's like everything under the sun.
As I come home and rest and relax now at 3am... I just have a thought... I wonder if people see me as a calm, dependable, even say, successful in the things I do and I wonder if people do envy me?
Because, at the end of the day, like tonight, I don't quite envy myself... heh... it's like you know who you are deep inside. Outside people see the good things, but sometimes bad things are hidden. It's like everyone has a little 'dark' side to them. What we often see is usually the 'good' side.
I wonder, if at the end of the day, I am afraid of letting others see this 'dark' side of mine, that I close up to deeper relationships in life? Maybe it is a bit true, because at the end of the day, I am feeling like no one really knows me.
What is the dark side? The low-self esteem, insecurity, depressive thoughts and lack of goals and ambition in life. It is all these and maybe even more that I am reminded of today once again. Because when talking about one's love life and so forth, one is brought to think about what makes "me".... and our pasts and our very 'identity'.
That said... I wonder, how have I got out of those dark areas over all these years? I'm no longer a teen and why are all these thoughts coming up now?
I know it so - I know what God is up to... (at least I think i know) - I believe, he is bringing me back to the state of emptiness, so that I can completely let go and rely on Him and from there, can come new spiritual life.
It's hard to understand, and I don't expect anyone to understand so.
The struggle now is just whether I'd want to receive God's assurance and love through this process, or deny it and solve it my own way (like numbing myself and occupying myself with more noise and addictions like my drama & anime) or spiral into a worsened emo state.
Being the safe-player, I tend to fear God and come back to Him at the end of the day. He wants that coz the 'fear' of the Lord is Holy. (think "awe")
But as it is now, I know but I don't do. The flesh is weak. I choose to stay away. Why is it so? I also can't comprehend myself.
Our spirituality is so simple yet so complicated.
I better pray instead of thinking too much... yup it's 3am.
Ahh... a perfect tune to listen to when I'm down. It's immediately healing and calming. So "zen"... It's a new development that I kinda like the Shakuhachi Flute (Japanese bamboo flute) and am thinking that maybe I can learn it one day!!! But so far, seems it's a bit hard to find information online... oh man.
Anyway, came across some news that there was a recent 5-day event by Esplanade, "A Tapestry of Sacred Music", featuring cultural sounds from around the world and there was a performance "Sacred Sounds of Japan". Interesting... Read more at http://supermerlion.com/sacred-sounds-of-japan/
The sound is fascinating, yet, not sure also whether I can really appreciate this kind of music all the way or all the time.. Anyway for now, I kinda like the "faraway" zen-like sound of the shakuhachi flute... ho ho ho...
Anyway, to follow up from my previous post, this article really is good:
The Gift of Loneliness
Adapted from The Single Journey
from Christianity Today International
I feel lonely. Life is fun, busy and packed with many good things to do and enjoy about. There are good family members around me, and friends all around. But nevertheless, nothing can change the fact that there is an inner self within me that feels lonely. I hide that beneath the cheerful exterior and busy noble self. But that cannot bury the overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Maybe I long to have some more meaningful relationships around me... develop closer friends with the acquaintances around me, become more open to people around me and share more of me with others. But I fear. I fear rejection, my negative traits projecting onto other people, making them unhappy. Humans are needy aren't they? We always need emotional connection and when that is insufficient, we crave. Have I been independent for too long? or have I simply been lying to myself? Or is this just a passing feeling? I hope to think so... coz Life is so tedious.
Life is an opportunity,
benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.
"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires
of your heart." Psalm 37:4
