Pentecost Rally - GO!

Very nice event - great talks and powerful prayers with Bob faricy & Cheryl (surname i dunno) - on many types of healing and empowerment.

After the rally I had to get my car which was stuck in the carpark, and decided to run off home. I dunno, after attending most rallies, I am always left with a bad confused aftertaste which leaves me pretty unsociable. The internal mind and heart are fighting against each other. My heart says praise God, my mind says - Did anything really happen? IN this state, am I in no position to go mentor younger people man... I just wanted to run away and be like Jesus who went off away from the crowds to be - alone.

Well, earlier I had a funny experience. When we were praying in our groups of 5, I was put in the middle and Fr. Faricy talked about "middle" child... I was wondering I'm not the middle child. But then again, I thought, and hey I thought maybe I am the middle child after all? Did you know my mum was due for a boy 6 years before I was born? Unfortunately that 'brother' was not born. It was a miscarriage. I wonder what kind of pain my mother had - she never talked about it. No one talks about it as far as I know. I feel a kind of bitter-sadness and can only wonder. Maybe in my growing up years and getting more chummy with mum years - I can finally ask her one day to share more things with me?

It's weird. After years of ice-block, I find that we don't know each other. A mother doesn't know her child, a child doesn't know her mother... we know, but we don't know. We wanna know, yet we don't wanna know. It's Such an irony.

We prayed earlier for healing of self-esteem. I find this issue coming up out of the carpet again. Especially as I prepare to go to Boston to see Ju, maybe large amount of self-esteem issues arise from our growing up years as teenagers... seeing Ju, and being reunited as a family, is a great idea, yet it is also a difficult thing to imagine. Will we rejoice being together, or be reminded of past hurts and old wounds?

Like Cheryl (the speaker) said, forgiveness is a matter of the "will". How can I forgive? I must will myself to do so.... then let go (instead of forget). We may never forget but we can let go. I like how "forgiveness" is a "medicine" to the wounds we have. I look at my "wounds" in me and I feel the pain of the searing knife piercing my heart - still. It's still there. I don't know when I can forgive. This is not about my sister now, it's about my current life. I don't know how I can forgive someone who doesn't want to hear my apology. The hurt is not from the issue but about not being forgiven after I've said sorry. Is my sorry not enough?

Oh well, I also hope that person forgives me if my sorry was just a sms. IN my family, we hardly say sorry to each other. But like today's talk said, we have to pray for healing from memories or things that are passed down in your family.

For us - it could be the sin of narcissicism - of wanting people to think we look good. That "ai mei, ai mei" syndrome. I so hate it but yet I so am it.

Truly, I need healing also of self-hatred, depression and all these conflicting self-depreciation.

I wanna disappear, yet I wanna be "a light" in the world - it is truly ironic.

At this stage, it is true that only when we receive from God that we can give. I am nothing - on my own, but in Christ, I can do all things.