Love, Life and the Spiritual

Having a real late nite today... but good talk earlier with some good friends. It's always good to talk, banter, share, so forth. Our subject?.... from Marriage, to What-you-look-for-in-a-guy, to Past crushes and so forth... hwahaha it's like everything under the sun.

As I come home and rest and relax now at 3am... I just have a thought... I wonder if people see me as a calm, dependable, even say, successful in the things I do and I wonder if people do envy me?

Because, at the end of the day, like tonight, I don't quite envy myself... heh... it's like you know who you are deep inside. Outside people see the good things, but sometimes bad things are hidden. It's like everyone has a little 'dark' side to them. What we often see is usually the 'good' side.

I wonder, if at the end of the day, I am afraid of letting others see this 'dark' side of mine, that I close up to deeper relationships in life? Maybe it is a bit true, because at the end of the day, I am feeling like no one really knows me.

What is the dark side? The low-self esteem, insecurity, depressive thoughts and lack of goals and ambition in life. It is all these and maybe even more that I am reminded of today once again. Because when talking about one's love life and so forth, one is brought to think about what makes "me".... and our pasts and our very 'identity'.

That said... I wonder, how have I got out of those dark areas over all these years? I'm no longer a teen and why are all these thoughts coming up now?

I know it so - I know what God is up to... (at least I think i know) - I believe, he is bringing me back to the state of emptiness, so that I can completely let go and rely on Him and from there, can come new spiritual life.

It's hard to understand, and I don't expect anyone to understand so.

The struggle now is just whether I'd want to receive God's assurance and love through this process, or deny it and solve it my own way (like numbing myself and occupying myself with more noise and addictions like my drama & anime) or spiral into a worsened emo state.

Being the safe-player, I tend to fear God and come back to Him at the end of the day. He wants that coz the 'fear' of the Lord is Holy. (think "awe")

But as it is now, I know but I don't do. The flesh is weak. I choose to stay away. Why is it so? I also can't comprehend myself.

Our spirituality is so simple yet so complicated.

I better pray instead of thinking too much... yup it's 3am.