| |
Life.. Oh Life! Oh life... It's full of surprises.. if you'd choose to view life in that way - innocent and idealistic, and dreamy if you'd like.. etc.
Good moods?
- I've discovered the possibility of changing your mood. We have the power to change our moods. AND this is not some religious jargon, it's psychology! I watched it on Discovery (or central?) and it was REALLY COOL! This guy learnt how to manage his anger in just few months. And to think we can be "Trapped" by our negative emotions and mind-patterns for years! No doubt, for mindsets it's not easy. But regarding MOOD - it's proven possible. And i've been in a better mood ever since watching that docu.
- Friends:
I've discovered that God is my bestest friend. I've no other. I've experienced the pain of broken friendships before. Great shock and sadness.
But now I know the value of friendship and therefore, will be a friend to those who want my friendship. But God is my BEST friend. Even a closest friend will never be able to truly understand my real feelings, my real hurts, my real needs. BUT God knows it all.
Protestant brothers and sisters?
- I've learnt how to do Christian-styled street evangelism, but that seems relevant mostly to those who are "ready to accept christ". What about those who are not? I now want to learn how to talk to people & friends to let them know WHY they are in such "PITS" in life - it's because of..... of .. of of.... there's so many reasons! I know it but then again, I just can't express it out in words.
How to express the deep worship in your heart - the action of turning your whole heart and control of your life over to a supreme ONE - Jesus - who is the solution to all our problems in the world? It's terribly hard for someone with faith to talk to someone without faith.... But to drive home the point, I have faith that God will see me through..
- I have been blessed by my protestant brothers and sisters in Campus Crusade for Christ. In their community I have grown and experienced identity, belonging and love. I hope that in return, I will be able to inspire them to be more understanding with Catholics and to be a Catholic "representative" from where I am... to make known the fact that WE DO NOT WORSHIP MARY!!! WE ONLY Ask for her intercession and we really only worship Jesus!
But one day I wonder if I would be able to do something that would be provocative enough to make a stand - to unify the gap - to say that we're all worshipping the same christ after all - ...maybe inter-talks? I dunno..?
my heart:
- I feel sad for people who do not WANT to accept Christ.. why? because beneath the whole facade of the human self, all our egos, achievements, outside looks and haughty behaviours, and all our self-pursuits, lies a broken self - a person who is lost - a person who is not whole - a person who is lacking - a person who does not know Joy - a person who does not know Peace.
"If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us." 1 John 1:8
Sin impoverishes us. It makes us always be INADEQUATE, LACKING, DISUNITED with God.
It also DECEIVES us and BLINDS us.. such that we think we are damn cool, or damned fine without Christ. BUT we are damned if we think that way!
Rather, it is only when we are united IN our Lord that we are made whole.
Finally - to some friends who think i've been working too much and working my head off.. I'd have to say... NO CHOICE! I'm a busy person..I've got fyp-school, string, youth ministry. But that's about it really - 3 big areas for now... Rest assured I'm busy because I have many commitments, but not too many that I'd go bonkers.. Thanks anyway...
 Wakeboarding! ANyone interested?
Sometimes what we say and do don't coincide.. and we put on fronts and facades of grandeur. And when we come to the Lord spiritually, we don't have peace. Because we are not living in line with Truth.
Well, after reading this book online - I found the motivation to come before the Lord and confess. I found the peace of being re-united with God once again. I don't know how "subjective" you can call this experience to be. But lest let our rational minds kick up some counter-logic to thwart that experience, I'd rather say, that I believe in faith it was God's Spirit moving my heart to even have the desire to pray and read this online book.
I found deeper understanding of the many ways we can be deceived, as Christians, believers, non-believers all the same.. we can be deceived to think we are alright, we are doing good, and we are righteous. But it is scary when we actually come to God and really ask God Himself - God, am I really alright? Am I really in line with Your Will?
And then the Holy Spirit comes and exposes all the areas of darkness and then we are left writhering under the bright light too bright for our own eyes. It is hard to admit our sins. Much more if we have no concept of sin. But then, God is Holy. Many things we do ARE sinful. It's just that we are deceived in this world. How much longer then, do we want to remain in the darkness?
Just read this online book.. JUDAS - Son of Darkness... It is enlightening for me.. hope it helps u too.
Judas Son Of Darkness How could Judas live for 3 years in Christ's inner circle and then betray the best friend he ever had? The darkness that surrounded Judas is for our enlightment. His grief and regret are described to draw us to the love of God. This booklet about the life of Judas helps us to understand the inclinations of our own human nature and the danger of a darkness that hides in the light.
Been busy again this weekend.. catching up with my work for my subjects..
- Did 4 lessons of jap hw all in one go! Wow that was exhiliarating!
- Did 100 word associations for the words Sugar, Natural & Healthy! That's 300 words! For Graphic Comm subject. And 3 sucky ads.. .I think I am not a natural copywriter.. Shucks..
- Went for a friend's Birthday Party
- Went shopping and bought 4 bottoms..and 3 tops.. and that shld solve the rest of the year.. after a few more tops that is.. hahaa..
- Had my growth group session last fri. Gosh,... it's not easy. It's one thing to learn from someone, but to facilitate/teach a group of people, it's another matter. I just pray that I won't think of myself better than I should, or likewise, worry too much whether I am worthy of leading a group of people or not.
- Fyp stuff... who wants to take up a stall for my event??? heaaa.ahaa... *deadish laughter*.. all the response so bad.. I'm hoping and praying that more ppl will come up to take up stalls. It's all effort effort effort on my part - the organiser's part - Events aint so easy after all. It's good to have a big event, but then u start to worry if people will actually turn up or not.. and looking from things, we aren't sure at all! OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME!!! AHHHHH!!!!
Hehe anyone into neopets? This is my shoyru... Shafire! I've got a red and blue shoyru Shafire and Shannay and a lupus called greyhound. hahaa.. my nick there is "seraphimea". I know neopets is a dying craze.. but well.. maybe coz i'm growing older? yikes.. but anyway, i think i'm still a child at heart.. .. ..
Yikes.. Praise the Lord that NorthEast CDC is involved now for my fyp... more money more money... but the hyped up workload is killing me.. still trying to recover sleep from last weekend... and coping with backlogged workload for my subjects at school.
Ahhh... scary scary.. and when u hear other people's fyp campaigns being like.. 10 roadshows that was done... u just go.. woah....*starry eyes*... *drop jaw*... *blank out*....
Anyway.. i won't start comparing with other groups. My group is unique and we are strong. Way to go Simon Isabel Esther Sam! I believe we can do it...
Gosh.. it's a lot of psychoing i have to do. But I believe that God is behind my FYP because it is only by His grace that we are where we are now. I can't say more.. I just dunno what's next... Will do my job and leave it up to Him.. to bring us comfort and assurance.. of the unexpected.
Maybe it will rain and we'll pray hard and it will stop.. hahaa..! Will God use it to prove His goodness? I dunno! :) I hope so..
Life's been busy! What's happened recently? despite having only 3 main subjects (fyp, graphic communication, and my elective- Jap) it's still busy busy busy! Why? Becoz i'm also involved in String, Youth Ministry, and that's quite enough... but it's been great... i'm always a busy person since young, these activities shld give me motivation and strength. Well... and they really do. (But I believe it is God really who strengthens me)
Sun outing (16th) - did some shopping with mum. It's been soo long since i went shopping!!!! Then, went blading in afternoon with the youth ministry fellas.. woah.. we went right up till the Changi Runway! I was seriously "dying" and my knees really hurt! BUT I'm so glad I bladed so much... (ache ache.. hehaa). Saw weihan at east coast and I was rather shocked that he goes to east coast every sun and blades there.. just the whole day.. how much time does he have? he's just as busy as me i think.... well.. Then I learnt how to say "in the name of the father and son and holy spirit, amen" in Jap from a fellow Jap fanatic frd whom i just got to know in youth group. Haha.. it was super funny.
To end off, what better- a movie - in my beachwear.. with my mum and sis.. haaaa.. we watched kung fu hustle.. i didn't like it though.. not enough emotional contact, jerky plot (but interesting ideas) and overly slapstick.. Think i'll prefer even the soppy korean dramas to this.
String (sat 15th) - The NTU band concert came and went last Sat, 15th. It was splendidddd... Though.... my playing wasn't... it sucked!
Drank coffee before performance coz was sleepy.., plus didn't practise the whole week, plus my scores kinda went missing just before the performance, and so I was in a very frantic state... Geesh... when we came to the slow part my hands were just wobbling so much, made me play a note earlier than expected... and i couldnt' play the bow straight (shivering) and had to soften my playing for a little while.. geesh!! Bad bad bad! Blame it on the coffee hhaaa! :P
Nevertheless,... it was really wonderful AFTER that, when we talked about dreams of having a string orchestra! And to play better pieces. And I remember the VJ string days when we actually played good songs, such as peter and the wolf, under Zhong Hao. It was fabulous. It was then, that I began to love string ensemble, and it marked history. I was IN. And now I wish to be in a String ensemble/orchestra.. forever... U can get "high" from music - aka playing music or listening also - so for me, it's not clubbing, not eeky old retro music.. but making music - playing in a symphony of sounds... shining at your part... bringing out the feelings in the music.. the feeling is simply awesome when you can play it well and get to the stage of enjoying your own music which u make. And of course, not just ur own music, but the total effect when combined with the full orchestra. Magnificent!!
Youth Ministry (fri 14th)- Wow we had our first growth groups session last fri. Seesh, i started without even an opening prayer.. but well... inexperienced but very exciting.. glad that God is using me in this way, and the going is tough. BUT, I know that I have this mission before me, which will succeed if I walk faithfully with the Lord each day. And I realise so much that I am accountable to Him, and that with greater knowledge (and greater gifts and blessings), comes greater responsibility (Spiderman 2!!) haha... eh... yikes....
anyways... This is the link to our new ministry blog: ACTS-cetera.. i did it all in one night.. at the expense of my health... that's why was quite disorientated thru the whole sun and mon... (But still managed to go shopping and blading on Sun!)- and so fyp suffered i guess???
Now back on track, tmrw will be dedicated to fyp!! and jap!!
Thank God! Praise the Lord! I got the jap class... okay I got the 4-6pm time slots for Tues and Fri, but this whole week, I just crashed coursed for the 1:30pm class. So then, after persuading the teacher last tues to let me stay till I registered for class (they dun allow u to sit in if you're not registered)... I managed to persuade her again to let me stay for the 1:30 class even though I'm in the 4pm class. Praise God that this teacher teaches both classes anyway, so it's much easier!
AND.. now that I'm 2 weeks back in jap lessons, I've gotta buck up!! Ganbatte to me!! haaha.. it's really interesting, to note that i'm finally learning this after having been interested since Yr1. I shld have fought harder to study jap last time, then can go on to higher levels if i wanted. Well, i'm happy now anyway.. just some basics.. shld be great!~! =)
Ohhhh..I'm spoilt for choice! So many fun General Electives to take but I can only take 1!!! So now it's between Jap or Drawing.. but I've signed up for this one called "visual culture and performance in contemporary singapore!"..mwahaha!! No vacancy for Jap and drawing... sighs.. have to keep trying.. or call registrar (which will be very soon coz i really want one of them)
Anyways.. little off-balanced for fyp but yep see below.. the flyer is out!! Everyone COME COME COME! Singles also can come and party the night away at the Marina Party! yeah! Serious!
Then.. youth group is on my mind now. Where is that power that moves behind those huge crusades, where you just feel that awesomeness of God's Spirit flowing... moving, working... inspiring.. I just want to know how that feels.. know how that works... and I feel like I'm all alone again, in this quest, in this crusade of souls for God. But not to worry, ALL I NEED is to mobilise my little team of 4 for this evangelism @ work project, which was spawned since September last year! Gotta move, gotta move gotta move!!!
Jesus reigns!
Before we proceed, pls read the warning label. We're talking a different kinda Valentine's Day. As most will say, not for the faint-hearted.
Valentine's Day Wakefest at Marina Country Club. For both wakeboarders and people who wanna have a taste of the sport. Wakeboarding, great music (dj Godwin's spinning progressive house), BBQ fiesta - that's just the icing on the cake. Call 6388 8388 or click here to find out more.
(pls feel free to rip and distribute)
2nd back and it's getting to be a chore again. Shucks.. first day was tuesday - the Drawing class was cancelled - so I went for string ensemble and practised till late.. reached home like 11 something..
And today it's simple - just 2 lessons - but second lesson again cancelled - or rather, the classroom was locked, no one else in sight, and I'm wondering if I got the place and date wrong. But i was right.. there was someone else there looking for the class too..
Anyways.. its called Visual culture and performance in contemporary singapore - haha how i like these long names..
The first lesson is Graphic Communication, something like basics of graphic design and advertising... I'm glad I dropped Public Opinion and took this.. coz public opinion sounds bad all the same.. but then again,.. this class sounds just like my other class "Advertising and Copywriting" which I Sucked at. I think I just don't make the cut.. so how? But I'm really comforted by the lecturer who seems to be a great one, and someone who has a vision for his students. Perhaps I shld stay in this class.
And now I'm back in the library typing away hard on this noisy keyboard feeling tired and bored and lonely...
How to amuse myself further? Its back at NTU. The same old feelings come back again.. the boredom, the lack of purpose, the feeling that i'm just living to pass each day, there's no excitement, no friendships, no love, nothing.. it's just gray emptiness..
And as I hit away I'm just hating everyone. I just feel so angry I don't have a friend by my side. I am lonely and yet I don't find someone to talk to? I am kinda feeling so disjointed now.. on one hand, I'm fine.. on the other hand.. I'm desperately sad and down.
Oh well.. its time I came out and faced my fears.. what? Of what I really don't know.. fears of being lost in life..of existing, yet not existing.. of being insignificant.
Perhaps that's what i'm feeling now. Insignificant.
(Friends especially esther and my fyp mates...this has nothing to do with you.. it's just what I feel sometimes ok.. dun be alarmed)
*20 mins into this post and still on it*
And after some pause.. I realise that perhaps, I'm not really feeling that bad..
I can't possibly be that bad..
I'm a child of God.. a faithful servant,.. a loyal friend... a princess...
My father is the Lord of the Heavens...
How far can I go wrong? far perhaps, but never too far that I can bear...
And so I cool down, and surrender to His love and grace.. and I realise that perhaps I've just been hit by an arrow of despondency and negativity.
20 mins later, it's gone and I'm back to normal.
~*~*~*~
It's spiritual warfare I tell you...
Well, how to describe yesterday... First day of school.. no lessons, but did FYP at punggol... our project is gaining a far huger scale, and it's scary yet challenging! The adrenaline really makes you wanna go on, move, get things done, be where you're supposed to be...
Then Youth Group core meeting where we decided on plans for the ministry this year. IT was super. Although i had fyp at the back of my mind, i just couldn't miss this.. it was one of the best meetings ever.. vision set, hearts aflamed, mission passed on, everyone's raring to go!
I will be taking on a Growth Group (our version of Cellgroups) this year. You can't imagine the excitement - It's akin to drinking 5 Flaming Lamborginis! As a G2L (Growth Group Leader), The one criteria that is needed is to have love for people. And yet, the first thing that comes to me when I reach home last night, is a challenge to love.
Stony and tired amidst doing fyp stuff late into the wee hours of the morning, it is not hard to reply with a gruff response. Not that I can't feel, not that I can't love, but just busy. There are so many things in life to be occupied with. There's a time for grieving, but there's also a time for laughing. Don't underestimate me for not being able to "Feel" for others. I've many times felt so much - for the lost and dying in this world, for those who don't know Jesus, and wept silent tears. I've felt the feeling of those who are being lost, felt the feeling of those who are last and ugly and unwanted, and the feeling of those who don't meet their achievements. And wept silent tears. Just because I don't cry out loud doesn't mean I don't feel. I cry. I do cry. I do have my fair share of pain. But I keep it aside. I strive not because of the pain, but because I know that In Christ, I am victorious. I am ABLE to GET OVER IT! Over what? Over my own weaknesses, over the not-so-nice things that happen to me in life. And in Christ, He always gives us a hope for the future, a mission to live for.
WHY LIVE FOR THE DAY? When we can live for tomorrow, and for eternity? THere's so much to do, so much more to go, for the Kingdom of God.
Will anyone understand what I am feeling? I feel. I feel. I hurt too.
Worship is when you're aware that what you've been given is far greater than what you can give. Worship is the awareness that were it not for his touch, you'd still be hobbling and hurting, bitter and broken. Worship is the half-glazed _expression on the parched face of a desert pilgrim as he discovers that the oasis is not a mirage.
Worship is the 'thank you' that refuses to be silenced.
We have tried to make a science out of worship. We can't do that. We can't do that any more than we can "sell love" or "negotiate peace."
Worship is a voluntary act of gratitude offered by the saved to the Savior, by the healed to the Healer, and by the delivered to the Deliverer. And if you and I can go days without feeling an urge to say 'thank you' to the One who saved, healed, and delivered us, then we'd do well to remember what he did...
... We, too, were rescued by One who journeyed far from only God knows where.
Haha! I know it now!!! My resolutions for 2005!
Before I go into that, Just wanna thank God for the beautiful past year, and that I could celebrate the new year with my family. We went to Orchid Country Club for the New Year Countdown, with 2 other families who're best friends of my parents.. woah... so meaningful.. they're the same bunch of folks whom I went to Perth with. This time, their sons (Dad's Godsons, so my God-brothers) were at the party too... Marcus and Leonard..Me and Ju.. what an adventure..we so totally DID NOT want to do Line Dance! Anyways, it reminds me of our funny escapades when we all went on the Superstar Virgo (or Leo???) cruise some 5 years ago! Woah.. time flies! Now everyone big liao!!
Then well, having not had enough fun, I went to join the john10-10 bunch at Delphne's house..for a overnight VCD marathon! We watched Shrek2, Austin Powers Goldmember, and Taxi (1 or 2? I was too sleepy to notice).. And now I've rushed back home to prepare to go out again for an urgent and necessary FYP meeting... which though it seems sad to have to be done on New Year's Day but the adrenaline which rushes thru just makes me go on. I wonder... Organising events.. I believe this is the kind of feeling which drives them on even though it's such hard work? Perhaps I should also really really give it a go. Yup yup.. PLUS work at mum's shop... WAH! I think I'm superwoman... okay maybe 1 at a time.. hehe... So finally my resolutions (hope u're not sleeping by now): Very crappy - 3 Rs! 1. Relationships - Build relationships, be more open, be less guarded and let my real self emerge.. be less shy and work on those complexes... survive working world culture... (since i prob will really start next year).. and develop a closer fellowship (koinonia) with the Holy Spirit which means more sharing, acknowledging the presence of the Holy Spirit, and praying in the Spirit. 2. Real - Be real, accept reality, being as real as possible ensures great efficiency; Do away with false masks and appearances, say what i mean and mean what I say, be a real friend, be a person of integrity.. Be real to myself, do away with false idealism, and deceptive lies. Be true. Seek the REAL thing.. authentism.. Jesus - Truth... 3. Read - Read. Go deeper in knowledge of God. Read all the 15 books on my list - only completed 1 this hols!!! Fulfill my desire to know how, why, what.. equip myself to explain and share the gospel. Fill my mind with useful things. Read the Bible - manuscript of life! AND THAT'S IT! I'm pretty pleased with these 3 Rs! Thank God for inspiring me in the cab, on the journey back from Delphne's house! haha.. Just like that, after praying just the day before (i was totally clueless), for God to inspire me with the resolutions for 2005... Then suddenly I remember that Goal #1 was something I thought of during this year! Goal #2 is an issue that I wanna deal with. Goal #3 is something tangible that I can work towards to. Amen. :)
|
|
