2nd day back at ntu

2nd back and it's getting to be a chore again. Shucks.. first day was tuesday - the Drawing class was cancelled - so I went for string ensemble and practised till late.. reached home like 11 something..

And today it's simple - just 2 lessons - but second lesson again cancelled - or rather, the classroom was locked, no one else in sight, and I'm wondering if I got the place and date wrong. But i was right.. there was someone else there looking for the class too..

Anyways.. its called Visual culture and performance in contemporary singapore - haha how i like these long names..

The first lesson is Graphic Communication, something like basics of graphic design and advertising... I'm glad I dropped Public Opinion and took this.. coz public opinion sounds bad all the same.. but then again,.. this class sounds just like my other class "Advertising and Copywriting" which I Sucked at. I think I just don't make the cut.. so how? But I'm really comforted by the lecturer who seems to be a great one, and someone who has a vision for his students. Perhaps I shld stay in this class.

And now I'm back in the library typing away hard on this noisy keyboard feeling tired and bored and lonely...

How to amuse myself further? Its back at NTU. The same old feelings come back again.. the boredom, the lack of purpose, the feeling that i'm just living to pass each day, there's no excitement, no friendships, no love, nothing.. it's just gray emptiness..

And as I hit away I'm just hating everyone. I just feel so angry I don't have a friend by my side. I am lonely and yet I don't find someone to talk to? I am kinda feeling so disjointed now.. on one hand, I'm fine.. on the other hand.. I'm desperately sad and down.

Oh well.. its time I came out and faced my fears.. what? Of what I really don't know.. fears of being lost in life..of existing, yet not existing.. of being insignificant.

Perhaps that's what i'm feeling now. Insignificant.

(Friends especially esther and my fyp mates...this has nothing to do with you.. it's just what I feel sometimes ok.. dun be alarmed)




*20 mins into this post and still on it*
And after some pause.. I realise that perhaps, I'm not really feeling that bad..

I can't possibly be that bad..

I'm a child of God.. a faithful servant,.. a loyal friend... a princess...

My father is the Lord of the Heavens...

How far can I go wrong? far perhaps, but never too far that I can bear...

And so I cool down, and surrender to His love and grace.. and I realise that perhaps I've just been hit by an arrow of despondency and negativity.

20 mins later, it's gone and I'm back to normal.

~*~*~*~

It's spiritual warfare I tell you...