Dream 12 May 2011

Started reading this book about dreams & healing. Cool, very exciting. So it made me want to recall my dreams even more - I already like to remember my dreams so this book is just even more exciting now that there's a real purpose to doing so. It is able to help us understand our unconscious, and thus get to know our own thoughts and behaviour even better. Author is Episcopal priest, John A. Sanford.

So here goes, my dream of today... 12 May 2011...

In my dream, towards end, I saw a group of people climbing up a vertical slope (almost 90-degree) and I was commenting to an ex-colleague something like, wow, remember that which was previously so difficult to do?

Then in a next scene, I myself was climbing up. Long ago I remember doing a wall climb at the OBS camp and I did not reach the top. So this round, I was climbing, i remembered that I did not complete it before. So i climbed with caution. Amazingly my body felt light and it was easy to hold onto the rock bits that stuck out here and there for me to step on. With no trouble I reached the top and pulled myself over to the top.

Amazed, I was then thinking of the color yellow - as with Nikon brand - and commented to the same ex-colleague a "bright" idea that I had... During this time, we were kinda in a public bus and he went in first and I was following behind talking about work and stuff... and so as for this idea it was supposed to be some kind of ad campaign that would really work... it was like a fantastic slogan.. (though i forgot it by now). When I said it, i was very confident and it was a good feeling, and he was like... giving a thoughtful look also like 'hmmm' which felt like we just discovered a gold mine.

Rock Climbing
To dream that you are rock climbing, symbolizes your struggle, determination and ambition. You are not any letting obstacles get in the way of your goal. Additionally, the dream indicates that you have an edge over others.(Dreammoods)

>> Thoughts?
I think it's nice, a feeling of elevation, that bright idea, that spark, that "conquering" feeling of doing what you could not do in real life... I guess, it is the feelings of positivity and hope inside me and a belief that I can succeed. Though in real life, I am not even getting there, couldn't even scale a wall, and don't have any bright idea or advertising campaign big-idea that really I can pull off in my work place...

So what is this dream telling me? I guess, a replay of some of the daily events where I had that feeling that I really was in control of things. A feeling of wanting to share ideas with someone (as with the ex-colleague). It also reminds me that it's vastly different from what I am experiencing now. Now, I am feeling a sense of loneliness, no one to really share new ideas with, no one with the same ideas, wavelength, culture, interests. At work, people are rather quiet, talk chinese, and don't talk intelligent stuff... I really am very sorry for this, but I really don't find any conversation that interests me or challenges me. It's really really really absolutely dull. SORRY!!! BUT IT IS DULL!

At church, it is also EXTREMELY DULL! I am the task master, chore-chaser, room-booker, key/room-opener, music-player, time-giver, nice-smiler...

Personal life - IT IS DULL! I am just a worker, daughter, conscientious person but no matter how good or hard you work, wont' earn money kind. And I don't have a passion, an ambition, a big-idea of what to do with life. So i just carry on placidly.

SIGH... all the feelings are pouring out now thinking of this dream and what it really means to me.

SIGH... this dream recording exercise is gonna be a scary look into the depths of my heart and soul... But as the book tells, it is a worthy exercise, if we "dare" to go with the challenge that will come along with this knowledge of our inner beings. HMM!

With that, and with nothing else to lose, and with nothing else ahead to look for, I am keen to find out more about what else I could find within me so that I can live life to the fullest...

Consolation & Desolation

We enter Desolation when we fail to love, when we sin, when we go against the nature of God within us to do good.

We become lost, afraid and angry. We lose confidence or faith in God.

We then enter a period of struggle... the desert experience.

During this time, we question everything from the purpose of life, the meaning of my existence, God's plan for us, what is our value, our very self-worth.

Like Jonah in the desert who got angry that God killed the small tree that gave him shade, we are brought to utter humbleness, knowing that there is nothing we can do on our own - that it is GOD who gives, and takes away. It is God who gives us our very purpose of existence.

Then, we are called - to embrace the things - the ways of God. We struggle again between heart and head. Our head tells us - why be so holy? why be so good? WE struggle believing the lies of the devil.

Then finally, by the Grace of God, that moment comes. When we have mustered enough strength to "be" once again, the person that God wants us to be... perhaps we did a little act of kindness. Perhaps we made amends, forgave someone, or forgave ourselves. In the doing of that good deed, we free ourselves from the slavery of sin and God's love reaches into us again.

We then reach a state of Consolation, where our hearts become yet again confident - in the presence of Jesus within us - in the hope of salvation. Trust is restored and we can Love again without guilt or fear.

I just had a faint glimpse of Consolation - tonight... could it have been the super iced expresso with ice cream (my failed attempt at ordering "Affogatto" (expresso supposed to be hot)...?

I believe it is a little drop of God's grace.

I was asking all day for Help. God, why did I feel so lousy... bad, poor, aimless, empty?

And God tells me tonight... My Help comes from the Lord (Psalm 121).

And He has constantly been assuring me that He does not slumber... he is always watching over me.

I then shared some bible verses / article with Ju & Ma, something I felt suitable for them. And my heart suddenly expanded. It is a feeling I hadn't felt for a long time.

The joy that comes from Giving - Pure giving - Giving out of nothing - Giving out of a broken heart. A broken heart of human fraility, seeing so many things that are beyond our control, so many unknowns, so many uncertainty, fears, losses... that kind of brokeness... I believe exists in everyone?

God is mysterious and I'm still only discovering so much with each new day...