New Ravings for the month of May

It feels like spring --- at least... maybe I feel in a very Spring mood. Maybe it's the fashion festival going on. But highly unlikely considering me? Maybe it's YAM's may events coming up that is going to be titled "Re:NEW".

Nevertheless, with every new spring, the winds of the seasons change... and some of the old dies with it.

I forget -- how it feels like to be really down. I forget how it feels like to be cynical and angry. It's like - blown away. I feel sad and poignant sometimes. But I feel like i'm in control, like i know and consciously choose to act the way I do...

Well, so much for that. Just on monday, i got a comment that I may be stressed - though i never thought it was showing on my face. SIGH. Well, last night, I dreamt i crashed the car. SO perhaps, these 'feelings' of control and peace sometimes wage battle with the rational mind in me... which is difficult, also lazy, and ironically, also idealistic and perfectionist.

Anyway... i have been sleeping really late the past few days, trying to do a freelance design lobang. It's pretty draining. Especially since i'm already tired when I start work on it at around 9-10pm. Man. This aint' it. Slog so hard for just another few hundred bucks.. i mean, it's good pocket money, but in the long-term, this aint' it.

So what is? Frankly I still don't know. I don't quite care so much what people think. But i think that what i'm most angry about is that even now, i still don't know what I want. Have I been brought up in such a comfortable sheltered life that it proves no reason to really think hard about my life path, direction, and work? Or is my passion in life really that simple? If it were, i wouldn't be facing conflicting feelings that vary between extremes of jaded-contentment... or dreamy-ambition... both sounds bad. Jaded, dreamy... its like i don't quite know what I want so i am carrying on wherever I am but still dreaming of the perfect day or wondering what is that perfect thing that I wanna be doing.

I can rave all about God and say that it is my passion to do God's work. But of course, that does not mean I must become a church worker. So that is out of the issue right?

What then? Am i so repressed that I don't know myself? So well hidden even from my own understanding?

Frankly, the whole issue is to do with my slow-decision making, lack of resolute ambition in what I really want to do, and willingness to just cruise on in life. I fear some big change, and I find solace in my leisure activities. That's a vicious cycle now isn't it?

It's like waht they call co-dependent relationships - when referring to how people relate/depend on one another. A negative behaviour, depends on the negative behaviour of another person, and there is no positive change because 2 wrongs does not make one right.. it just spirals out of control.. hmmm..

I feel very cheem tonight.