Tests of faith

What do I do? The car has another problem again. Can't start. For no reason. It was working well last night. And this simple small problem to me is like ever huge. The message at YAM tonight was good, say to your problem, "problem, I have a big God"... put God in persepctive, first, and we'll see that everything else is not as big as before.

But therein lies the struggle of faith. It is like struggling for air while having a cramp in the ocean. You wish there was a life buoy somewhere nearby but there is none. You have to depend on time, for the cramp to disappear on it's own, and you're wrecking your brain for an immediate solution, all the while, gasping for breath.

I think it is true when Gavin/Sury says that there is special grace during this time of Lent, where God reveals things even more, things that relate to Him being our saviour, our Lord, our God, our Father. I feel that this whole car incidents not one but over the whole CNY, till now, is telling me something... but it is an awful feeling because I still can't let go of it.

What? -- Fear. The fear of failing, disapproval, doing the wrong thing. Failing to drive safely, the disapproving comments of others, or just plainly how to react to negative circumstances. I think I fail in all areas. This is such a depressing feeling.

Today I fear again. What to do with the car? I can just tell my dad, run to daddy! But i am afraid. Why? Not because of him perhaps, but because I don't want to be seen at fault, I don't want to be wrong, I don't want to be the one who did something and caused the car. Seriously, I hate it. I hate it when things like this happens.. and then there's no one to blame.

And i feel like a little child again. Issues that does not seem fit for my age plague me again. Just tell dad. What's wrong with that? I just don't like it.

Sigh. feeling like a little child again... isn't it.

It's this time also that one feels like having a close someone to confide in. And I am also uber cynical. What's there to spend a whole life with someone if there isn't love?

I don't feel i could love anyone forever.

ARGH.