The Guitar & other Ruminations

Tonight I heard the song SING (your love) on my com, from Hillsong?s For ALL You?ve Done Album? and on hearing that, I just wanted to jam on the guit. It?s one of my favourite songs. Mellow. Totally Guitar.

I think i must have played for over an hour. I get lost sometimes in it.. heh.. As I was playing? I just started thinking (and pouring out my heart) to God in the stillness of the music.

I mean,.. I?ve been feeling so down. Inside. So lonely. So tired. So unappreciated. So stupid. So unworthy. So less than another person. So much inadequate compared to others in the world. And these are valid feelings. You can't say that just because i help out in church so much, i'm such a loser. Precisely that is a misconception. Even if i were not a churchy person I am entitled to feelings like that.

I think perhaps, there's just a feeling that I want to have freedom and enjoy the things I like and not have responsibilities. Sometimes, life isn't all cheery at times. I tend to become melancholic at times. Personality trait? or just bad habit?

I think i am a walking contradiction. I want freedom but i stick within structure. I want to be different but i'm so un-differentiated.. I want to do things my way, but end up doing things the wrong way - aka like staying up thru the night to just simply - stay awake.

But why? It's because I just want to have a say over how I do things. PErhaps, its been a long awaited time of having no say or just doing things 'right'. So sometimes, we just want to do things 'wrong'. Do we always have to do things 'right' and conform to the ways people think is right?

What about mad scientists and crazy inventors who break the rules of living and even with their eccentricities, churn out wonderful innovations?

Sometimes, we prioritise things differently. And perhaps, people are at odds with my way of prioritisation. I admit there's still lots I have to learn but until I am ready to make any changes to life, I am just not ready. I know people wish for me to be so many things I am not. But I wonder why? and I just feel victimised - like. it's unfair. to have expectations.

Perhaps there really isn't much expectations - but then why do I feel that pressure?

I hate it. seriously. Yet i know i don't have a valid reason to complain.

Who can fill this emptiness of the soul?

It's easy to say that because I am already serving in church, i SHOULD have a more 'wholesome' personality and soul. But then this can't be said because no one is saved just by going to church or serving. Rather, I found things to do to make myself useful and possibly grow my potential and 'loving' aspects. But I am still a human and still weak.

Then another thing - sometimes a heightened awareness of our spirituality - to me its called a deepening relationship with God. But to the world it is simply folly - it's simply being an overly zealot and overly spiritual.

That's STILL the challenge and question i'm puzzling with. I still can't understand why people can't understand and why the rift remains. But it all makes sense when we put it in Jesus' perspective that the world and his kingdom can never go hand-in hand.

And so I think --- I?m living for this cause ---- All I want is a deeper experience of JEsus.

ANd it sounds hard to say. But this is waht I really want. In fact, I want nothing in this earth but I just want Jesus. And i know someone will disagree with that next.

But have they ever felt that intense longing for God? for A God? or for someone to save and love them?

We all feel that - and we need love - and My answer is that it's only found in God. Saint Augustine tells us that too - that our hearts are restless till it finds its rest in God.

Then i am brought to reflect that If I really want Jesus, I must let go of all sinful self and bitterness and let His love flow through me to others. That's also where it's challenging cos sometimes we don't wnat to be too loving or we fear. And there are also things of our old selves that we don't want to change.

So yes, tell me about those things but don't say that my work in church is not right...

PEople are friendly but how loving is that? When we are truly loving - (aka don't suan back, don't demean someone) - it comes across as nice yet pale..

PErhaps, at the end of the day, I am still a hypocrite.

And the tough part is why is this so hard.

Countless of times, I feel God asking me ? Do I really love him? To which I reply ? YES GOD I DO! Sometimes, I doubt even myself ? but I know that I love God (though sometimes or most times, I don?t think I?m really a very loving person compared to others who are more expressive with their love).

But then, I also know that God is not a condemning God so as much as I condemn myself now, Jesus loves me for everything I am - minus the sinful self. So then, I have hope and light ahead.

Indeed ? I believe God is leading me to something new ? He is always doing something new in our lives. For me now? It?s to discover His Real Love and to live in it. Truly living IN His Love makes me a conquerer.. not a defeated pawn.

God made me and chose me and sent me on a mission. And He wants to touch people through me. He wants to use all of us ? who would respond and say yes to Him. My cry is that more people will understand the spiritual truths in this world.

And the Truth can only be revealed by the Spirit of God ? through His People who are his Hands and Feet. I?ve said Yes to God. But not knowing what the road holds for me. I feel just like Peter. When Peter says he loves Jesus ? Jesus asks 3 times, Do you love me. And then he said ? Feed my sheep.

And then God says ? to Peter that he will be led to places he won?t want to go. I wonder ? what is ahead of this journey with God? It?s exciting indeed, challenging, indeed, it puts life on a totally different plane. It merges the natural and spiritual into one whole. AND you see the whole perspective of the universe from beginning to end.. and you just marvel at the whole creation ? the Beginning and the End ? The alpha and the Omega ? Jesus.

Jesus. He?s a mystery. Yet he?s so real. Yet he?s so far away at times. Yet he?s our best friend. It?s so ironic.

But then again, I realise that this passion for Jesus ? this love? is really awesome.. and when you really get in touch with your own inner need for Jesus ? you?ll know ? that only JESUS can fill your innermost need.

So back again to my silly ruminations - its a real conflict of feelings and thoughts. I'm being my own enemy here.. and I think I just have to let go and stop cursing myself.