FUrther Rantings continued

Back home after a really cool dinner with Ju & family at Werners, this german place! OOh!! Schnitzels and Fleischkase... pork knuckels, oxtails and potato in all forms - fries, mash, salad, stirfried, Gee! I like the place. Will certainly go back again!

Talking about food, i think there's so many places I've yet to try out. Man what have I been doing!

Meanwhile, the rave of the week is Art.. I feel I'm finally living out a dream. Yet it also feels like being a fish in the ocean. Where do you start? Will I really carry on doing art after this course? or is it a fad to come and go? can i really bring out me through art?

Today at office a topic was about bfs and gfs.. and I just felt like geesh. As much as I say I'm happy being single, there's certainly a part of me - of anyone - who wonders what would it be like to be loved and to love someone. Then we say -- it takes two to clap - and things like - perhaps the right one hasn't come yet...

Oh well, its an area that I dare not and have not thought much about. Why? DO I fear?

Frankly.. i think I have buried my feelings - so much so that I don't feel - very neutral - neither too happy, neither too sad (more sad than happy when i'm alone, more happy than sad when with people...) But because of buried feelings - I feel restricted - don't know how to laugh - take life too seriously - and don't mix with people very well. Sometimes, I just bash myself like this isn't it? Call it self-depressive mode starting to kick into action.

It's like half of me watching the other half of me sink.

I was also going through some old blogs and found this really upsetting one related to art. hmmm! http://auburnskye.blogspot.com/2005/05/upsetting-art-dream.html

BIG SIGH!

Life - what is life? I can't find joy in going out to enjoy life - I can't find joy in doing too much work (just get worn out) - I can't find joy in escapism because i know i'm running away (from what?) and so then - when will we truly feel satisfied?

I know the answer is in God. That's why I cling so tightly to God. But i know also that i haven't let go of everything - all the deepest hurts and pains.. In fact, people go through life sometimes never really giving it up at all - and they become bitter or develop certain attitudes to cope with it. Look at me.. as much as I'm walking a steady path as I am now, sometimes I feel emotionally unstable inside.. though no one really really sees it. or do they suspect. i dunno. I guess this is normal part of life - being emotionally vulnerable at times.. sometimes going though deep thoughts, and sometimes just letting go and enjoy life.

I think I protect myself by trying to be strong - and not confide in anyone. I don't think I ever want to hear what people have got to say about me. I just fear the worst. If i hear something bad, I know it will crumble the very faint wall that I've been building. In fact, I sometimes bash that own wall of mine.. and end up feeling so broken -lost - and in most desperate need for God's saving Grace to lift me up.

Perhaps, all these woes and feelings are simply a spiritual journey towards total dependence on God - because after all, Jesus said that He is the vine and we are the branches, apart from HIM we can do nothing.

So I think what is really happening is that I'm realising how much of 'nothing' we truly are - and that our total being must be found in HIM otherwise we are living our lives separate from HIM the vine of eternal life. Why settle for the life that will end, when we can choose eternal life?

So as much as I struggle in my feelings, I know that I better walk by faith.

God - please use me as your instrument - to bring peace, love and charity to others!

Amen!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So then, I just heard one of my fav songs of all times - River of Dreams by Billy Joel. And i thought the lyrics makes lots of sense to me now... (I have never looked hard at the lyrics previously..) Here it goes:

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
From the mountains of faith
To a river so deep
I must be looking for something
Something sacred I lost
But the river is wide
And it's too hard to cross

And even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and I stand on the shore
And try to cross to the opposite side
So I can finally find out what I've been looking for

In the middle of the night I go walking in my sleep
Through the valley of fear
To a river so deep
And I've been searching for something
Taken out of my soul S
omething I would never lose
Something somebody stole

I don't know why I go walking at night
But now I'm tired and I don't want to walk anymore
I hope it doesn't take the rest of my life
Until I find what it is that I've been looking for

In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the jungle of doubt
To a river so deep
I know I'm searching for something
Something so undefined
That it can only be seen
By the eyes of the blind
In the middle of the night

I'm not sure about a life after this
God knows I've never been a spiritual man
Baptized by the fire, I wade into the river
That runs to the promised land
In the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep
Through the desert of truth
To the river so deep
We all end in the ocean
We all start in the streams
We're all carried along
By the river of dreams
In the middle of the night