Upsetting art dream

I had a dream last night which left me crying this morning! It goes like this.

I was in an art class.. arrived back late because of "recess" that we had.. was with 1 friend.. and that friend kinda sat in the back row (4 chairs, other 3 were filled).. leaving me to sit somewhere else.. first row was filled, so I sat in the second row alone? the chairs were arranged in a messy curved order, so there's kinda lots of irregular space in between chairs and tables.. so I pulled my table to the right farthest side of the classroom (we were at the right side of classroom in general). I sulked.. feeling all alone. I remember seeing TNT sitting somewhere in the middle back of the class, and he saw what I did.

Then the teacher was talking about something.. (art maybe) and I remember being very very angry because he was blabbering about nonsense and to me it was not art. Then suddenly everyone began to paint, and I realised that I was not too sure of what to paint, so I frantically asked around-what are we supposed to paint? The ppl behind me said "a lost beanstalk". Okay.. so I proceeded to paint.. but only after a very angry glare at the teacher. It seems I said something to the teacher and he didn't like me, because it ended with me getting up to paint really angrily, feeling that i'll show this teacher what really is art.

While painting, I dunno why I painted a fortress from top view.. and put inside the fortress some "poisonous stuff" which was supposed to be let out into the fields (where the lost beanstalk lay). I drew a scorching sun, and it was hot, dry and arid.. then I was supposed to paint the lost beanstalk, but time was running out.. and it didn't seem to fit in.. (Then the picture changes, its now from the bottom view up rather than top view down). Then I realise that there's a pond near the fortress, and I try to make footsteps and ripples in the water (to show that the lost beanstalk had actually jumped into the water). Then I realised that the paint I used was so think that my brush had to swirl right thru the layers, and that it couldn't harden or dry.. with that I had to stop painting and submit. So fine. Looking at it, it was quite cool to me, and upon stepping back to look at the painting, it somehow had now light pillars from the sun upwards (plastic thin poles emitting light - so it now looks like a 3D structure rather than a painting.. ). I thought it was really cool, though unfinished, and though abstract and maybe no one would understand it, I thought it was MY creation after all.

Anyway, the teacher clearly didn't like it. So I wondered I'd fail this after all. Anyway, so I had to go. I was with Esther. I wanted to take a picture of the work, but didn't have camera. Walking out with Esther I asked her if she had, and yup she did. So she said hey lets take a picture together too.. but outside the glass window was reflecting behind us, and we couldn't take the pic, so I rushed in. But only to find that the whole installation was gone (the teacher prob threw it away). People were instead, taking pictures with some statues next to the pics, as if it never existed. Then I ran around the whole place. It was now a hindu garden, with white statues of the hindu deities. I thought to myself, wow these hindus really pray, what about me a Christian? Then I ran one round and still couldn't find the installation... being pretty flustered and upset, I stopped and broke down to cry. And so I woke up..

Dream analysis:

Sitting alone - from the feeling of being alone, and having no true friends. Being alone has been a theme in my life from young - so while I do have friends now, there's an inherent loneliness inside my heart. Perhaps, only that God can fill.

TNT - I seem to think he knows something about me that I don't know, because he seems to know some psychology and receives messages from God and it seems that he's always watching over my personality development..

Angry with Art teacher - This is probably the real hidden me. If I really hate the teacher, I switch off. I also hate following if something doesn't make sense, or is totally conformist. I like to create new things, and methods, and Art to me, was a symbol of freedom and creativity. This reminds me of me in kindergarten, when I refused to sing along with the rest of the class coz I thought the song was stupid. I sang my own song. What about today? Perhapd coz of the recent event with a priest whom I disagreed with his way of doing things, and could not find a reason for following his "order" and so I sulk and get angry but have to follow all the same, cos he's older, and he's a priest!

The topic being Art - I seem to be great at art in the dream, when I have a blank piece of paper, I have to think: How to draw/paint the object I want to paint.. and its cool. On the paper, I even tried a new formula.. using something I saw at an art gallery at Paragon,.. thick oil paint on the canvas, creating a very rough texture and not spreading the paint out but dabbing onto it to create the peaks and troughs. I was painting the sun.

The painting of the fortress - I dunno why this came about at all.. haha

Lack of time - usually in paintings, I am very slow.. like in exams I always have lack of time to finish what I'm writing.. a common theme too in my busy life.. I always need "more time!"

Painting cannot dry - this is reminiscent of my mosaic workshop which I went to just yesterday morning.. I had to leave the glue to dry and come back another day.. so perhaps.

The creation - thinking this is MY masterpiece even though people may not understand... I thought also of God of how he thinks each of us are his masterpieces. Everyone of us. Who cares whether people think its ugly or not,.. God loves us all.

The disappeared installation - This left me feeling totally regretful, angry, vindicated, under-appreciated, and alone once again. These feelings caused me panic to run around frantically looking for the lost item. Only to sink in despair realizing that it was really gone. I don't know what event in life causes me to feel that way.. but I believe it could be a lost friendship during the Primary 6 -- Sec 1 transition, when I cried for days after the realization that I have moved to secondary and have "lost" a friend in primary school sunk in. I felt my friend (who didn't contact me at all) had forgotten about me.. I didn't know then, that i could simply clarify and contact her first and I wasn't smart enough to know how, and I wasn't daring enough to confide it in anyone.

So then. What a upsetting dream but it tells me lots of things? about myself. :) Like how I so do want to take up art one day again, and how I actually like to be free and non-conformist..?! haha.. and that how some pains from the past still have to be settled.