Evangelion is not for me...

I was looking at my previous posts and it looks as if I'm in a really weird state of mind... you can't really tell when i'm happy.. or sad.. or anything. For that matter.. I find sometimes that I also delude myself from my real feelings. What is reality?

I think it's not good to watch too much anime (uhm. some people would nod their heads). Okay not all anime, but particularly Neon Genesis Evangelion. Gosh it really gets to you and garbles your brain up. Ok it's late, it's 1am and i'm probably not really coherent by now. Then again, people go out clubbing till 2 or 3 plus booze and all.. so i'm pretty sane. Geesh.. this anime - of which i only happened to watch 1 episode (the last one) is so bizarre... truly bizarre... after watching (and catching no head or tail) i'm like.. disgusted, confused and wondering.. so??

Another of those animes that truly confound. For those who never knew christianity, this anime puzzles further, taking christian terms and elements and warping them altogether into one mish mash of a story. PS: Simon if you ever read this post.. i agree with you that I won't be liking this anime much.. hah.. geesh!!

Meanwhile... my post today is about 'Searching'. I think we're all searching... for something - whether it be love, success, fame, money, identity, belonging, security.. back to maslow's hierarchy of needs. My take is that we are never satisfied.

Even if we've completed the basic needs for food & shelter, there's still the next level of needs - belonging, relationships, job, achievements.. moving on to the highest ranks of self actualisation. Perhaps that's how people derive their sense of purpose and existence. That's a pretty high rank of need that not everyone can live to really fulfill. Even our personal goals - "to live a life of fulfilment" and "to live life to the fullest" banks on that basic need of self-actualisation.

Yet, I find that's totally in the natural. Natural mind, natural world, human thoughts, human mind. It's purely logical. Anyone can understand it.

And yet, I think (or rather, i know) i am searching. For the divine. Perhaps, all men are searching for the divine. That's what Christianity says. There's a void in our hearts that only God can fill.... we are made for Him and Him alone. I think and I feel in my heart - how so true it is. Even if i did everything i dreamed I wanted to do.. i am still not truly fulfilled. I am still lost.. there's still dark areas in my life. Only God can fill this wretched hole. Perhaps, that's how the song amazing grace came about. We are lost but found by God. Yet we like to remain lost.

Anyway, the other day while walking home, I thought of the word poignant. It means to me, beautiful and sad. And i think the word itself is beautiful. I can think of the music accompanying a setting like that. But as much as I do, it really means ---- sad. saad.... WHY AM I SO SAD? ok i seem to be going through a terrible mood swing.. the other day i was frustrated and now i'm sad?

Please do note, that my life aint' entirely frustrating and sad. I'm pretty much happy most of the time... very much so - but I blog about things that really make me think. So yeah.. this is what makes me think...

The very existence of our being... why? what for? Do we disappear into nothingness and be reborn at the end of our life? I don't believe that. So then.. it must be true that there's a heaven and hell and an eternal reality with God. or not.

SO THEN... if God is real... we'd think --> what must we do to earn that place with Him? certainly that's how a lot of people think. Some don't bother and say they dont' believe in God in the first place. But that doesn't change anything. Rather, they're on their way to a life without God and who knows what... For those who believe - it could be in various forms. Various half-truths.

We do not have to work for that place in heaven by being too good. Sometimes, we are only too good, so that we 'save' ourselves from losing face,... etc. So is that really good after all?

I rest assured in the Christian message - that in our most sinful moments, it is the time of greatest Grace. Jesus came to bear all the sins of the world, so that we may be freed from the power of death and be assured of eternal life. How awesome is that.

Ok after typing and thinking more of God... the effects of Evangelion is wearing off.. I'm more sane now. I believe.... that God actually fulfills our greatest needs - the need for a saviour. The need for hope - for a future.. the need for a sense of understanding of our very existence in the world. And as I type this.. I'm feeling extremely poignant.. like how great is it that I have this knowledge or point of view. And also a bit vulnerable... surely people will attack me - saying how stupid and how overly-spiritual I am.

Oh well. I think i've weathered enough trials - to know my faith in God is real.


And moving on... let's talk about something more positive:

- This Saturday, I'm going to be an animator at OLPS Youth Mass. Talk about moving out of our comfort zones. When I said yes to God, I never dared to expect this. Think of me up on stage leading everyone to sing 3 p&w songs... of which my voice sounds really bad in (Jesus you are my best friend is not the easiest song to sing!!!) AHHHHHH!!!! God help me!

- Oil Painting & Hip Hop lessons! --> Are absolutely fantastic. Develops the art and dance side of me. so now i have Music, Art & Dance... it's truly a M.A.D. World! What's missing is Exercise.. Maybe hip hop can join the ranks of exercise? I'm truly aching now...


Lesson 1: Composition & Tone

- New string lobang for November. I just realised that quoting the couple $500 is really too little. SHIZER!! That means $100 each. Sounds good, but the amount of practice times (plus all the cab i'll have to take to upper serangoon) just wipes it out and goes negative even. Ok i exaggerate. But how to re-quote now? Was just sounded out by pauline that we actually played for Christina Ong's daughter's wedding... -- That's super big. We can actually ask for more. Sigh.. Sam.. you're not really a businesswoman. Not one bit!

- Lastly.... some new dreams (once again, conflicting with my views earlier on how dreams still dun fulfill us -- but i'd say, they help make life more fun) --> VIDEO EDITING! And longer-term dreams ---> Learn a new instrument.. or brush up on the guitar with proper classical guidance. Others would be: other dance like ballroom, salsa, (after hip hop which i dunno how long i'll need to learn well). Even more --> to learn better Flash, PHP, and even wilder--> to move into music composition --> It's been also another dream to compose songs for a musical. YeS a musical. And back to video.. I never realised about it. But i once thought of doing a video to demonstrate the human's deepest weakness and God's loving kindness. How to do that eh?

Ok well.. what about writing a book? (ok i'm still stuck with my copywriting manual at work so I realise writing a book is pretty difficult)...

sigh.. i could simply go on and on.

ok it's pretty a long post being all about myself. I better stop the rant now. I just want to get to a new level of self-awareness and comfort, peace, and freedom. Jesus reigns!