2nd nasty dream

ok let mee whine... i just wanna whineee...Had a nasty dream last night.. (mon nite) so waking up on tuesday half out of the dream was not a good start... i had to go to a conference and it was horrendous. There's this thing about dream analysis.. you look at the elements in the dream - and then the 'emotions' behind it to interpret.

If i do this.. i see some things:

1. moving flowers / photography - i'm trying to take a picture of them but they keep moving
(emotion & my interpretion: disappointment at repeated failures)
2. colleague getting angry with me for delaying the group -- fear of rejection
3. being asked to dance by a guy! ooh! -- hopes of love / appreciation
4. being chased by a monster (the guy) -- fear of a relationship?
5. asking some people for their phone no but realised we exchanged before -- want deeper friendship with people but find that that's how much it goes up to..
6. finding safe haven 'from the monster' but keeping watch should it appear -- fear of the unknown and of unexpected changes

As you see.. it was a really nasty fearful dream which i should not dwell too much on but just move ahead and forget it. But it takes a bit of time... sometimes the images (visual) are so deeply etched in the memory - it's like dreams you don't forget for a long time. I still remember old ones from primary school.

Just one word today --> SIGH.

I'm not in an entirely positive state. After one big depressing email to the members in ministry, I sent another one to everyone to tell them to just pray - that I should be more strong as a leader and should not be angry with anyone. Does it sound hypocritical?

I think I am the biggest hypocrite. Saying all that is like trying to gain people's sympathy. But then again.. why can't I just complain? Deep inside - i wonder - why should I retract my words because I feel now a bit guilty for taking it out on everyone? SO am i really just throwing a tantrum or do i have a genuine case to be angry with the members?

But I think i don't really have a case. I have been given a 'task' as a shepherd to feed the lambs. The thing is how much do i believe in it? or do I even anymore? That's the question. I ask God is this the 'task' you want me to do?

Then - saying that - makes me feel all too important. like.. it's all about me. But if I don't do anything (aka just be a mia ministry member) won't I be shirking the responsibilities 'entrusted' to me? The question is how much I believe this is God's plan for me.

Ministry (or rather, spiritual) woes are not easy. They're in fact the most difficult woes - Because you're in conflict directly with God.

Then again.. ALL woes are not easy. That's why they're "woes".

Woe be to the sinner. Woe be to me.

GOD i need your saving grace to lift me out of this weird, irritating, inexplicable nasty pit.

Sam