Tired Reflections

Today, I am just reflecting. I'm tired. I've come 1 full circle - worked 1 whole year - and yet i feel nothing's changed and I've even moved even further from God. I must be honest in saying this after all, this is my 'reflections'.

Yet I am confused. For all the things i'm doing, i sometimes feel that I'm the best person to ask about - if you're interested in the christian life. But I also feel i'm the worst person. Call me a christian when I don't really live it up in so many ways.

I ask myself why can I talk and counsel someone when I myself am none the better?

I ask myself do birds of the feather really flock together - which is - do people in ministry just come because we are able to share a similar bond that depends on how much our self-esteem is? And if there's no fit, people leave and go join other ministries? Is YAM's level of growth because of Me?

I hate to think of it this way...

And all these thoughts in my head can make me go crazy..

It's really no wonder God says that the peace from him is a peace that the world cannot give. I need that peace. That quiet. That stillness.

I have countless deflating thoughts running through my head these days. Deflating any little ounce of ego that i have.. condemning me.. bombarding me from every angle. Talk about arrows of the enemy. Some are my own. In fact, I don't recognise the difference... I just think everything is my thoughts. Things like.. 'no one else will bother anyway'.... or 'why do something just because that's the right thing to do'.. or 'you really look bad today'... or 'I don't think xx is really happy with me...'

Today I took a cab home after Jenny my colleague's farewell party at Bar None. Exhausted. And it was only 9:30pm. Money wasted again. Can't bother.

Ok look at it from a positive light - I had a quick journey home to save me time so i can spend time reflecting and praying. But as much as I prayed,.. much of me is cynical, questioning, doubtful. That's why God always has to tell us to trust in Him isn't it?

I hate so many things about myself - how is it possible to love others? And yet when i think about the good things about myself - i just think ... but at the end of the day, i'm just a weirdo... with weird tastes in 'old-fashioned' things like art and classical music.

Seesh. I really hate myself.

I wanted to start up a blog at olps youth and it's taking so long. No one on the same 'par' level to carry out this grand idea. So what happens next? Do i give up and say, maybe it's not GOd's plan after all and that it was my silly idea?

I need someone to talk to. Who? Maybe i just dare not talk about these things and just blog them down. Ok i think... just blog... just blog.. it will pass.. the issues will settle by itself... really?

But seriously, I think i shall end here once again.. before I condemn myself even more....

I am really blessed by http://godsrhinos.blogspot.com/. This is a fantastic blog by 4 close friends who share their insights. And i realise they post ever so frequently and have so many things to blog about. Truly inspiring and truly a dream for me. I mean.. it's so nice to see people sharing so deeply and on things so profound. In all my years in ministry, some of the insights are truly new and refreshing.

One entry made so much sense. It was Sept 13 (one month ago!). Here goes:

It's hard to imagine that God gave us 24 hrs a day, yet we take the 24 hrs and start to ration that time with Him.

"Slow me down, Lord, that i may not see the mess of life, but Your touch and Your presence in it all... Like this gift of Your flower in a field of overgrown wild grass.."For those of us who are struggling with an over-cluttered schedule, when life seems to be chasing you than you running your life, do not despair! It all begins with the awareness! (and indeed its a grace!) Thank God for making us feel tired, so tired that we can't seem to function the next day. Thank God for giving us that innate desire to have more time to ourselves(so that there'll be more time to turn to God as well). Thank God for the wonderful system of immunity in us that allows us to fall sick, feel pain when our bodies are less than well taken care of, the way we were meant to be.