Melancholy...

I think I have been thinking too much... I am in the state of melancholy. Ahh.. its like somehow when u get into this state.. its like a black hole sucking away at you... it's just life-draining..

Maybe it all depends how you start the day. I overslept and missed my meeting with FYP lecturer, so my other 2 group mates had to represent our group. I wished I was there coz it's my responsibility as well.. but sometimes circumstances are beyond our control.

Then, I slept the whole afternoon coz i was too tired and too sianz to do anything else.. Somehow there's this overwhelming sadness.. the feeling like I'm not free enough to do what I want.. a constant struggle in myself... I want to talk to people, but I shy away and I don't talk. I want to meet up with people, but i'm either lazy, afraid, or plainly numbed by occupying myself with my own things - blogging.. my own entertainment.. amusing myself somehow.

At night.. it was a great String practice.. for this concert this Sat. But I missed the last MRT at 11:40pm! So I took bus 30 from Boon Lay to Bedok!!! And by the time i reached home.. it was 1:30am.. Not to mention I walked home from Bedok MRT coz i didn't want to spend even more money on Taxi fare. I've been spending loads on taxi.. broke to bits now..

So well, that gave me super more time to ruminate and think and get even more upset with myself.

So now.. not sleeping once again.. coz i drank coffee and slept too much earlier on. Just pondering over life. once again. Wondering.. that perhaps, I just like being like this.. melancholic.

I guess, even though I'm able to be a positive thinker.. sometimes.. feelings and emotions are a separate thing from logical thought. Logically, I can tell myself... get out of it and be happy. But the sad feelings still remain.

Maybe because I've not fulfilled what I really want to do. And so i've gotta look real deep inside of me to find out what I really want.

And then I'm blessed by this uplifting writeup from the NTU Campus Crusade X-roads Blog:

SEM2- Issue 3 (3rd Febuary 2005)
Feel defeated...maybe, but dumped by God? Hardly!In the midst of hectic schedules and week after week of tests and project work, it is inevitable that we stumble in our walk with God. You might feel defeated and wonder if failure means that God has turned His back on you. But that is WRONG!

Crusade Staff Violet gave a meaningful talk about how failures point Christians back to God. She gave her testimony of how she collected $60 for discipleship materials but didn't return the money immediately and even spent some of it. As a result, God temporarily cut off fellowship from her.

However, she mustered up enough courage & confessed her actions to the other Staff Members and they showed her grace, forgiving her for what she did. It was indeed comforting to taste God's grace for the first time.God allows failures to point us to one crucial truth: We cannot live the Christian life on our own efforts.

Failure is inevitable in life; even Jesus did not pray that Peter wouldn't fail, but that Peter' faith will not fail. But Jesus promises in Hebrews 13:5 that He would never leave us nor forsake us, and that is a very comforting thought when we are in dire straits.

We let Jesus live in us when we are filled with the Spirit and the 4 key traits of a person of grace are:

1) The surrender of personal rights. We all want our free time to do what we want butâ?¦ God is asking us to give up these things unto Him. Are we willing to do so?

2) We are stewards, NOT owners. One day, we have to give an account for how we manage what is given to us.

3) Speech. We have to say something that will honour the Lord and build others up. (Ephesians 5:19-20)

4) Give sacrificially.

Violet also shared with us a prayer that we can utter when we do not feel like submitting to God. "Lord, you know I really don't feel like, but your plan is the best. I need you to fill me & set the direction for my life, in Jesus name, Amen."

Lastly, for the message to travel from our head to our heart, it takes commitment and surrender unto the Lord.


hmmm..... What is this feeling of the need for surrender?? and that I seem to be fighting it.. as much as I want to surrender to God everything.. my will, my desires.. its sometimes so out of tangent..