Tuesday Ranting

I'm on MC today again... I lurve being sick... hahaha... ok well.. it's a really good getaway because, I can just check my emails, and sleep... and dream...

I think I've had lots of dreams these two days. And lots of time with God. It's a wonderful time. Sometimes, God has to get our attention and therefore, allows certain things to happen to us (like falling sick).

It has allowed me to see the sunlight throught the small crevices in my so-called Cave of Discouragement and open me up to the infinite world out there where HE is Good and wonderful.

Nevertheless, it does not change certain facts, that I am tired. I am really tired. of many things. People. Planning. Doing things. Just doing and doing and doing... I don't mind doing many things but I think sometimes cynicism sets in.

Doubt. I wonder if ultimately what I am looking for in doing all these things is some kind of approval, benefit, companionship... yes, I do feel sometimes that it would be great if there were someone I can lean on. I feel sad that there doesn't seem to be any. Or I wonder if i'm too proud.

I told God.. If this is all a matter of will, then I will "WILL" myself to cling on. There is definitely a purpose and a reason why I have this desire to serve God and yet find myself frustrated by the lack of support and passion around me. And I wonder again, whether I'm just blind myself. Maybe there is, but I didn't ask? Didn't take time to find out? Was too self-absorbed? Could be too. So nevertheless, I shall just trust in God and not be too harsh on anyone and myself.

Last but not least,.. I have a dream of going skiing in Japan!

I have a minor fascination with japan... makes it wonderful to know that my friend from campus crusade, Dorothea, is in Japan as a missionary reaching out to people via music. She sings and plays the keyboard i think, in a small band. Wow.