When All Comes to Nought

What happens when what you planned to succeed turns out a disaster? Total opposite of what you hoped it would have dreamt it to be?

Do you get angry? If so, whom can you get angry with? With no one to blame... who can we blame? God? Ourselves? People?

I had spent the whole of Friday night from 2 - 5am, and then Sat morning till afternoon, say 10am - 4pm.. doing up this video thing, and a flyer, for the youth mass. But what happens? Turns out the sound system can't work today of all days.. Impact lost. Words inaudible. Music garbled. As for the flyer, you see people reading it, and crushing it and putting it away. Or you see people not want to take it... Or what else...

So, ok... I tell myself, don't take it to heart. But somehow, my heart is not that strong.

I still hurt...

I don't spend so much time for no purpose?

I dun know why that strong a reaction in me... But i'm so pretty disappointed tonight. After the youth mass. And who can i turn to? I don't want to complain and just upset everyone too.

Maybe I want to turn around and blame someone. Blame God.... or no, God always has the bigger picture, and maybe he's trying to teach me something. Yup, i agree... but i can't help it if the emotions get beyond me.

I'm plain upset.

So blame who? The audio equipment == for failing at the most appropriate moment.

Or blame myself, for being over-perfectionist, and too uptight.. I could just shrug it off as an unlucky day... and smile again. But is there such things as lucky and unlucky? Not something God already knew beforehand?

So when I'm experiencing this, I know maybe there's a 'message' in there. There's always a message in the things we are experiencing. Something to learn from. Yar yar.

So then, what... maybe it's telling me, that I need to let more people in on the big idea, or maybe i'm supposed to reflect on this whole episode and find out what my dreams for youth mass really are.... and get everyone to work together, and not act solo..

Actually what I just wanted was as simple as to have something different in Youth Mass. And since no one was doing anything, I thought I would be a pioneer to start off something different -- like a home-made video... instead of the un-impactful P&W sessions we try to have each time.

Turns out, once again, people can watch, but can't understand. And this time it's not even because the message was too deep. It's because of AUDIO PROBLEMS!?!? stupid reason.

Maybe I just wanted human praise, and when i didnt get any I got upset..

All in all...

It's plan upsetting. To see effort go down the drain -- or so I choose to think.

Maybe it has a few good parts, like Mar & Abi did tell me it was good.

But why do I still feel so unhappy? Did I expect too much?

Can't I expect at least minimally that people could have heard the words?

But truth is -- no one could have helped this situation.. the audio system just chose not to work on that day! SO I didn't want to rant to people and get everyone sad... so my blog gets it now, - and so does the person reading this blog, unfortunately.. very sorry.. to you who's been reading till here, ok?


WELL... There are good things that happened too this week. Like going out for a night walk with Mama Penny on Thurs...

... Like celebrating Abi's birthday with the Ensemble people..., it was a pleasant outing to Blooies! And another good thing is to find that our Ensemble member, Aaron, has the same birthday as me! That part was pure amazing. I still laugh at the shock I had!

And well... tonight wasn't too bad lah... we went to Jac's house to watch Stardust. Nice show, but the comedy bits is not for me.

ANd yes, it was great to hear Sylvester doing his Testimony at the mass...


Ok ARGH Well, back to youth mass, Ultimately, I think today it was like me charging to battlefield (trying to touch people or change hearts) without a battleplan. Yes, and so, you only get hurt in the end. No one supporting, no one even knowing the plan I had in my mind... I felt like a lone ranger in my passion for the youths. Perhaps, i got too idealistic,... too happy producing the artwork, that I forgot I had to also convince people about it. (why should I?)

Whatever the case, I am just broken once again.

Why is it always so disappointing when we try to do more? In the end, why not settle for just bare minimal? Like we already are? It's so sad that our sessions have less than even 50 people turning up.. less even are the new people, or parishioners. The 90% majority are our ministry people.

Are all our efforts for nought?

And I'm imagining that God just shakes his head at me..

And so I ask, did God not speak to me, or did I not hear God?

Am I sinful or something therefore things does not go along smoothly?

This is just perplexing. Does anyone have the answers?


Well after all that talk, I went to this site and read this article. Which made me cool down. So it's not Why God? But Ok What Next? READ ARTICLE