Alternative Careers, Spirituality, and WHy I Serve in church?

WH has recently gone into violin teaching. Check out his blog: www.theviolinplayer.wordpress.com - I am impressed. It's so easy to swop lines eh? It's like the opposite of me... I take forever to settle down, and learn ever so slowly and all i aim for is stability and routine. I like organising stuff and I can just go on day after day. What is this??

Recently, I have been thinking and thinking and thinking. It's almost driving me nuts because I don't think I can feel what my heart says. Frankly, I don't know. I never know. I always don't know what my heart feels. I am ruled by the head most often. What my head tells me no, I can't bring my heart to say yes.

This weekend, I look towards church stuff again. Youth prayer meeting for OLPS youth, my own youth group "Youth Arise Ministry" and some admin duties. Planning for the committee mtg on Monday night. Seriously if i compare myself to any other fellow person out there, it seems crazy. Crazy. Absolutely crazy. Even I tell myself, you are crazy. Though I am not so enthusiastic nowadays, as compared to somewhere back around 2003,.. Inside I come down to the same reason. It's unexplainable. Don't expect people to really understand.

Frankly, I am also having to explain it to myself at times, why do I spend a lot of time in church or doing church work?

Ok my personal reason or understanding is something like this. I have a very weird life-view - that takes the form of Ecclesiastes.. there is a line saying "life is meaningless" and i seriously believe that now. I mean, for all that we do, eat sleep work laugh cry, everything dies in the end. WHen we die, we return back to the Lord. I believe in a heaven. So i believe we will go and see our maker. And we will see Jesus.

Ok my next reason is also - because I am weak. Perhaps the cynics may laugh at christians and say that religion is just for the weak. Those who can't do it on their own, make it on their own in life, have to turn to religion to find comfort in crowds. In other words, they are all losers. Yes, these are cynics. But I don't deny it. Religion IS for the poor, the hungry, the suffering. JEsus never came to save the rich or the proud. He came to save the poor. I believe that Jesus has saved me by giving me an awareness, of His reality, and giving me faith... a crazy faith at that.

Another reason - I believe that HE has something in store for me to do in my time on Earth. I am thinking what's the big deal if i made my mark in history, my name on some book, or some rock, or some person... so what? If we die, only our spirits will stay on for eternity. Then what?

I know why I am listless. I know why I have been slacking in my spiritual life (always complain to friends that I am not that onz anymore). I just don't want to face this huge responsibility, this huge calling that I know God can have for me. I don't even know what it is and don't want to know. I am just happy in the comfort zone.

But also perhaps even if i said YES GOD, it won't be so huge after all.. wont' be something like "Sam go and be a nun". nah. I am not thinking of that at all. IT might be something as simple as to be more present, pray at all times, to be of use when the time is right. Like to be able to say an encouraging word at the correct times, to administor God's love to people, to pray for them, to lift them up... to show the world that There is a God out there... etc.

What have I been doing? Nothing pretty much. I am running away.

God. Forgive me. But it's really hard to really answer Your call in my life.

Anyway, on a lighter note.. I am really busy but fulfilled this week. I miss my sister. JU.. hope you are ok!