The challenge of Consistency.

Woooh I love this website http://www.japanesepod101.com/index.php.
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Anyway, been thinking about my blog, and how public or how not-public it is. And I just have to reaffirm myself, that my blog is my blog. It is for what I want to write to express, to share, to enlighten people who read this... about who I am. It is also about me, talking to me..... So i write at times when i am really happy, or really unsure. That said, there are some principals that I will never break... such as writing negatively about other people or writing angry stuff on my blog. If it has to be I will make sure it is only about myself, or things like my rants about movies... but not about people. What if they read it? I care for them too, even if it was my enemies. Anyway if you see my blog subtitle,.. it's about my reflections about my life and God. So i don't have to be worried about who reads this, whether you'll get offended by the "spiritual" stuff I say... coz the header says it so already.

Ok that said, so what's up lately.. a really crazy month of April ahead. It's not easy staying high and feeling good... especially the idea of knowing that I "want" to do so many things but that it is simply going to take up much of my time & energy. Or is this a state of "greediness"... or merely the idea of squeezing every waking moment dry with activities that "I WANT TO DO".. but that is not good and that God does not want me to do?

Let's see... what am I aiming to do this April? Start back my Jap lessons, Art lessons and take up 2 new things: Paper Toling (a craft that requires layering of various objects and results in a 3D-like pop-up feel to the image).... AND maybe sponsoring at RCIA. And when all these ends up as too noble and too artistic, ironically, I then jump back on the fence and decided to "take a rest", which means not even doing anything Godly at all, like personal prayer, sunday mass, so forth.

And so I question the motives of my pursuits. The doings, the work I do... if time to time, I run, and then stop and sit on the fence... and then run again... it's pretty inconsistent.

But therein is the challenge of consistency. Which is tough. So tough. Today, I just find myself in an honorable fix. To watch a movie, versus to attend a prayer event I had committed to only just over the weekend (which I forgot about and promptly told myself, i wanna watch a movie today). Now, the dread kicks in. sigh.

But then again, i forgo the movie (i will still watch it tomorrow)... and I pick up the initial engagement, telling myself that I should keep promises. Aw shucks i think...

Anyway... i am ranting now... the point is... I realise that behind the shell of the exterior that you see... is not some originally pure and holy person whose pure one desire is to worship God and do godly works. I struggle too. And when the world does not see the need for these things, it seems all useless that we do what we do. But why do we do this then? It's inexplicable. And i can only say that it is by God's grace and my utter dependency on Him, that i dare not "give up".

Isn't it so.