Feeling Grateful.

I am grateful. I am grateful that I can have a good dinner with my mum and dad, having good food. Grateful for all the blessings I have. Grateful for my talents in music. Grateful for a life with a silver lining, nothing to ‘really’ worry about.

Next – I am tired. I want to serve God’s people but I don’t want to do this without a proper goal or long-term plan. I am worried that I will still continue to serve and serve and serve… it’s been 10 years since I started. Now, what?

I need to pass on to younger people. That transition itself is not easy. Not because I don’t want to (I am not the hog-leadership kind of person!) But because I can’t find the people. Or at least, I don’t know how to find them. I need to learn more about resource management and am utterly grateful for that little advice from V.. at like 1am plus after our usual Saturday night prayer meets.

I want to find new things in life. I still want to discover new things. I am not ready to settle down like other people who find their other halfs and are already looking at a future together. I don’t have such a person. As such, though it sometimes feels worrying or wrong… it can also feel right. I am free.

I want to get into a positive lifestyle. As it is, everything is as positive as it can get. But it can get even better. There are people out there who live out life even more gregariously. They go the extra mile. I wanna be such a person.

I wanna travel, hike, learn new things, and meet new people. Life is an adventure, yet to be explored.

Yet my greatest enemy is also myself, my comfort and my “little” world.

How do I cross the great divide to get into that world beyond?

And do I “Really” wanna go there? What does it mean? Does it mean to give up some things?

Would it be worth it? AM I daring enough? What do I really want to do? What does “that’ world mean or is it just an abstract feeling of the need for “more” “more” “more”?

Should I just be happy with the things at present? My comfort zone? Be grateful and happy and not long for more things… or should I long for more? What is the way?

People say that there are the “lost” people – who do not know God. Maybe I am one such person at this stage of life. I am “lost” once again. Even though I know God, I don’t know what He wants me to do and where to go anymore. So I need to calm down, lie low and begin to retrace my steps again. But time and tide waits for no one. Work in church still goes on. I am still needed.

How then to “not” be needed?

These are such questions that go through my head. Exasperating isn’t it.