When I hurt

When I am "invisible" - when everyone expects things will be done. When no one comes to support. When I email important news and there is no response. When I ask for some passion for ministry to care for members, and I don't know whether the words have disappeared into thin air. When I do the work because no one else is doing. When the things I put time into gets ridiculed or passes by without anyone noticing. When the room is dirty and I do the sweeping and people just walk over unknowingly with their shoes. When people litter our youth room and expect someone to clean it up. When I try to be punctual. When I try to never miss one meeting. When I try to shift my own appointments just to be able to turn up at all the events - and others can simply say, sorry, i forgot.


Isaiah 49:1-6 ©

Islands, listen to me, pay attention, remotest peoples.
The Lord called me before I was born, from my mother’s womb he pronounced my name.
He made my mouth a sharp sword, and hid me in the shadow of his hand. He made me into a sharpened arrow, and concealed me in his quiver.

He said to me, ‘You are my servant (Israel) in whom I shall be glorified’;
while I was thinking, ‘I have toiled in vain, I have exhausted myself for nothing’;
and all the while my cause was with the Lord, my reward with my God.

I was honoured in the eyes of the Lord, my God was my strength.
And now the Lord has spoken,
he who formed me in the womb to be his servant,
to bring Jacob back to him, to gather Israel to him: ‘It is not enough for you to be my servant, to restore the tribes of Jacob and bring back the survivors of Israel;
I will make you the light of the nations so that my salvation may reach to the ends of the earth.’.

Who Compares to Him?

In the world, I am meek, indecisive, timid, quiet, boring, fearful of error, liking comfort, lazy, unthinking, irritable… so many things I really dislike about myself.

In Christ, I am hopeful, see a purpose, passionate, persevering, and dedicated, able to forgive, merciful, kind, patient, and loving.

My inner thoughts sometimes confuse me. They tell me it's ok, that sometimes I can just forget being Christlike, being all so good, striving for holiness, and goodness... that it’s time to relax a little. Or maybe even telling me that I’ve been wasting my time trying to be christlike all the time, for it is impossible, I should just be a 'normal' person. But what is normal? Being sinful? Being un-christlike? Being worldly? BEing NOT so holy? Being doubtful of Christianity? Being unbeliving?

Therefore, I am telling myself, don’t forget, when I have been touched by the Holy Spirit, I have been made new. A new life of Grace had filled me and changed me for Good. I have a new life in Christ.

Therefore, I don’t need to live by the world dictates. Why struggle with all those worldly emotions? God is offering me something better.

Every day when I really go deep into prayer, I am convicted - of the various things that are sinful in my life. I cry tears because I know there's so much more i could be, or that God wants me to be.... So much more... it's like the whole world cannot contain the love of God...

YET we want everything NOT of God. We want the privilege of being able to live life for ourselves, and callously without regard for what pleases or not pleases God. If we can justify it with rationality, it is correct. So if I can justify my actions, a sinful act could be correct. But is it?

I do believe God is alive and real and there to judge me at the end of the day. And He will also judge with Love - because everyone is like sheep fallen astray.

Also I realise that the more we grow in Christ, the more sensitive we will be to things that are ‘not’ of God – and the more difficult the struggles get, because previously we were dead to Christ but now being alive in Christ, even the smallest sin – feels like a big speck and a big weight upon us.

It is hard to describe the feelings… but I know that only spiritual warfare can get me through.

That said, if I can praise God and meditate on His Word every day and night, that would be great… though it will be a challenge… because I’ve been so plagued by tiredness, worry, stress, anger, sadness, and so forth, caused by simply, the fact that we are in the world. Everyone in the world will face all these things.

Real Joy – I know it is found in Christ. It’s just whether we want to find Him or not.

Many other joys of lesser degrees can be found in the world, even in sin and revelry. But ultimate Joy is in being forgiven, being set free, being able to see Eternity, the prospect of Life with God. Not being GOD, but being WITH God.

I shall try to lift my eyes to better things and worship Him more sincerely. This gets tough when you are just going through the motions.

Sounds like a love story? Yeah – perhaps, why I’m so ‘sufficient’ – is that I found a love story with God.

And if I sound like a lunatic... well, perhaps, an obsessed churchy one. I'm not totally "holy". But it may seem so - the way I rant about God.

Oh well... God is magnificent.

Restless

Few dreams this week.... shows my state of sleep - restless. hmm.

1) One part of one day's dream was about food. I was preparing food for a bunch of people and there was not enough, so i ate less and tried to make sure the others had more.

Context: Feels like my youth scene in church, olps. It feels like i wish that they will be fill, and in the busy-ness of the preparations, I just forgo my own wants and needs to serve the rest. Very much like Martha.Well, it makes some sense that my 2nd name and 1st name have the same vowels.. Mar - tha... : |


2) Then the 2nd dream of mention is this morning's dream. It was an epic drama battle scene gosh.... it made me want to blog and try to record it down ahaha.. !

It's sad! OK the context is all fuzzy now... it's a battle scene and there is an enemy. I have a gun. There are 2 others with me. There are parts where I am the one running up the hill and peeking. I can imagine myself decked with helmet and rifle (or whatever machinery) and doing all those shoot and hide things you see on typical battle scenes.

At some point in the fight, my companions are all gone and i'm the last one. I am now fighting 2 people. I pretend that all is lost and simply run and run and run from the two people. THey chase, laughing and thinking that they have won and that i'll be dead in a matter of time. But i have a plan... at a particular position I will sneak up upon a railing where I have the best view and then kill them off.

I manage to perch on the railing in time to have bulls eye shot at those 2 people. In the distance somehow (i have magic also?!) I turn an innocent girl into a glass doll (perhaps to save her from the bullets). The glass doll is like one of the japanese glass doll gift that I got from Jac! Haha, you'd see it in my room...

So the 2 people come into sight, and I kill them with relish.. somehow there are feelings of revenge and anger as I kill them and totally cut them into 2 with the some sort of double-handed machine gun i have (ok i don't know machines) - anyway, I was thinking make sure they are dead once and for all.

Then somehow the tragedy happens - thinking it is over I go over to pick up that glass doll girl, but the machine gun is still "on". As I step into the front ground this time, I'm the one who gets shot.... and it ends... I die....

And i wake up from this dream really amazed by the epic drama feeling of it... there were a lot more beforehand that I can't remember, like reasons for this battle, how my companions and I were strategising how to fight and how we actually ran to our various spots and hide-outs and the feeling of the running up the slopes... etc.

What a tragic drama/dream!