Depressing Thoughts

It is depressing when we get thoughts about how one's work has not been good enough, compared to all those excellent stuff out there.

Let's face it - i don't think i'm cut out for competition. It sux. Trying to outdo the other... i complete sux at it.

In the working world, that's where I fail to. To be No.1, one must have a competitive spirit. And i believe I have none.

I just want - peace and harmony - like my disc test shows.

Truly, it is a very very very difficult thing. What am I cut out to do and where can I work best? I really question myself.

I wanna try doing art once again.. it's like a place where no one can touch you... on one can say it is ugly, because in art, to each his own. My art is my art. No one can say it isn't art.... it is defined by the artist. Or perhaps, the wannabe.

I don't want to do things where there are standards to meet... maybe it's a fear of failure... not meeting the standard..

And i do believe that that fear is ingrained in so many of us in our academic-based society of singapore...

It's seriously crippling... i can't feel free... i can't feel happy because i'm always falling short of 'a standard'.

And that's where, i believe my ultimate dream in life will have to lead me to. A place where i can continue to strive, be useful, rather than have to produce results because I found that when I am required to produce results, I balk.

In other words, all the above, is my self-given stress..

sigh...

If i were to just stop thinking, then of course, all is good.. .everything is nice and happy,.... u know what i mean ;) hehe.

Cheers!