God is the most beautiful.

Pain.


Low Self-esteem. A silent disease. It corrodes from the inside, no one watching, but only the bearer suffering in silence..

I wonder. Why do I feel so much pain? It's because of this silent killer, A small word - just one line - 'long hair suits you better' - makes me feel ONCE AGAIN to be not beautiful. Aren't we all human? We long for approval. We long for people to praise us. And when we don't receive them, we hunger. The startling truth of humanity, experienced in my life.

Once again, for the millionth time, I feel that something is not right with me. Either my face, body, weight, clothes, this, that and now - my hair.

Short hair? It's the mark of rebellion against femininity. Girls ought to have long hair - the notion that humanity carries. But when girls chop off their luscious locks, they are indirectly rebelling against society norms. Well, today it's normal. All part of fashion and image. But for me? It is a liberation. I feel great! I feel good having short hair once again (I had it when I was sec 3!) I feel young again. I feel like I can be active and sporty. I feel great!

In short, I do not regret having cut my hair. But why? Even if I wanted to shut my ears, one sentence is enough to kill. And I spend the night in utter pain, like as if I were lying on the hospital bed waiting for death.

It was painful. Indeed.

But because of this, I am brought back to God and this morning? I awake with joy and consolation from HIM, full of thanks for Him dying on the Cross. HE Is the most beautiful one on Earth. No matter how much we try at beauty, we will never match HIS beauty. Why then do humanity strive so hard?

And ministry? my desire is simply to serve the Lord. I totally hate it when because of the ups and downs of ministry (isn't it typical?) that people watching are able to comment that it's no good being in ministry. Oh God! That's such a lie! Such a fallacy! Being in ministry is a calling. It's a radical notion. It's a spiritual revolution! Who knows how much I have changed from that time being touched by God in 1999? Who really understands? HOW MUCH I have transformed? They only look at the outer appearance and judge. And sadly I haven't passed that test.

For example, about music - listening to purely Christian music these days, its like an Utter Religious Stupidity. But where you can have fashion statements, I can have Christian Statements isn't it?

These questions perplex me. Today I am going to empty out my heart. There's nothing like emptying yourself till you're totally 0% and then letting God fill you up. Today I am too bandaged up to be myself anymore.

And I Just wait on the Lord.